Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In Love Once

I was in love once but it was a young, naive, almost obsessive kinda of love that wasn't any type of healthy. I think back on it often. How I wanted him so badly to love me back. How I did almost anything possible to get him to love me back.

And now after he broke my heart and years have passed I wonder who was that person? Why did she allow such poor treatment? If it hadn't ended the way it did would I have had the strength to demand better or walk away?

I remember how eager I was to fall in love when I was a teenager. I've loved love stories since I was a kid. I love to hear the stories behind how couples met. Asking then how did they know that they had found the one. They all get that faraway look as if reliving that moment when they realized, "Oh boy my heart is in trouble." lol

I've always wanted that story. But living after a broken heart I wonder if my heart is strong enough to attempt love again. I'm nurturing and loving by nature. I can very easily show love and I let people into my heart but I haven't given my heart to anyone.

Love isn't easy, it can hurt, and it can be scary. I still want my story but I wonder if my heart is not too fractured. If I have the strength to not settle. If I believe with all I've got that God has that man and that story waiting for me at the right time. That I would be able to know him when I see him and not be afraid to love him.

We throw love around so causally in today's society when it isn't really love at all. But I want real love, true love, romantic, there with you in the trenches, all consuming, you complete me love.

Sometime you wonder if that even exists anymore...

Reading The Divine Matchmaker and it inspired this post because as I began to read their love story something in me opened up and began to weep because I realized though I've been in love once I never experience love like that. And I envy it.

The next, and hopefully the last, time I fall in love I want that "tingle" that lets me know, "this is what love is". No convincing, no wondering, no trying to change or mold just that "tingle".

... to be continued


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