Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Social Calendar

So I have become a very popular lady as of late. Jay is back (see previous blog "Good Friend") and T-Bear is so sweet, and Trig is still sexy as hell. I'm fielding calls and texts and dates...

But you know wats sad? Mr. E is still MIA and that's the person I most want to spend my time with. (sigh)

I've never been more busy, more confused, and more excited, scared...AHHH!

Well, life is pretty nice... for now.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Do we all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Same guy two very different personalities. Good and Evil. I'm realizing that this rages in all of us. Today as I was reflecting I realized that this is true of me and my relationships.

I seem to categorize men into those I would sleep with, those I want to be with and friends. Do we see a problem here? For those who know me you'd know that I practice abstinence. So you could see how the first category is a dangerous category.

That is where Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes in. For those I want to be in a relationship with and who are friends I am Dr. Jekyll. I am respectable, honest, wholesome. Most of them are afraid to talk suggestively in my presence for fear of making my ears bleed. And curse? No way. Because with them I set a standard. However when we come to the category of those I would sleep with I'm Mr. Hyde. I'm like this totally wild, out of control person. I do things I wouldn't normally do, I say things I didn't even know were in my vocabulary and I can be a borderline ho. (It pains me to have to recognize this about myself). Bottom line: I become a player.

I was forced to acknowledge this this week. This passed Monday I went to see Trig. (I mentioned him in a past blog.) We went out and I knew almost instantly he wasn't relationship material. But I was incredibly attracted to him. Danger! I felt Mr. Hyde looking to make an appearance. And he did or should I say she did.

I became calculating. I turned my flirting up, started touching him a lot more, trying to measure how far I could go without going too far. Then I went in for the kill. I didn't sleep with him but I know that the more I see him the more likely that it will occur.

The problem is the war that these two figures rage within me. Mr. Hyde feels good in the moment but causes way too much damage after the fact. But I fight the fact that she desires to make more and more appearances as of late.

I am Dr. Jekyll. I am respectable and wholesome and good but how do I temper the Mr. Hyde that longs to emerge and run rampant?

I don't know what to do...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Lady Lost Her Mind

The lady I'm referring to is my aunt. We all knew she had problems but she took it too far this time. "This Lady Lost Her Mind".

Sunday was my grandfather's funeral and up to that day she had been giving my whole family grief about every little thing. Yelling at my other aunt (her little sister), stressing out my dad, pissing off my uncles, and totally destroying what little relationship she had with the rest of her nieces and nephews. But Sunday, oh my goodness, on Sunday she took it too far.

The service was beautiful, everything was flowing. Everyone was saying such wonderful things about my grandfather and if that had been how the funeral ended the tone of this blog would be totally different. But it didn't because as I said "This Lady Lost Her Mind".

So we're at the part of the service where you could go up and say things about my granddad. It was going well until she got up there to speak. First of all, everyone was given clear instructions to go to the mic on the side of the pulpit to give their acknowledgments and you had 2 minutes to do so. She goes up onto the pulpit. Right there with that move we knew that there was gonna be a problem. Then she busts out literally a ten-page document that she proceed to read for the next 20 minutes. The preacher wanted to stop her but she's the daughter of the deceased, how would that look? So we were all stuck.

Now it was bad enough that she got on the pulpit, slapped down this 10 page obituary about herself (that's how it sounded), and proceeded to read it. But what pissed me and the rest of my family off is how she then in this document bashed my aunt, her sister. We sat there floored as she totally ripped her a new one (her sister -the good aunt- had been the one who took care of my grandfather throughout his entire illness. She's a nurse and worked long hours at the hospital to come home and take care of my granddad, her father.). For Miss. Thang to get up there and lie saying that it was a burden to her and that she couldn't take it anymore and all this nonesense was total disrespect. And then to tell the bold faced lie that she, herself would sit at my grandfather's bedside when we all knew she didn't even come up to see him until her sister yelled at her was beyond comprehension.

What hurt the most was the fact that my aunt (the good aunt) who sacrificed so much for the love of her father was disrespected in front of a church full of people by a woman who was waiting for him to pass away so that she could get the money that he left to her. My dad was so insensed he started praying out loud and my uncle was a split second away from snatching her off the pulpit. And her daughter (the good aunt) was so hurt because she watched how hard her mother worked. And she too made a sacrifice. It can't be easy at 14 to watch your grandfather dying and pass away in your house.

You should have seen the looks on the faces of the people in the audience. Total disbelief that she even went there. And the realization that she was the one with the problem. She was looking for sympathy and she couldn't find any. Its because, "This Lady Lost Her Mind".

I was so pissed but in that moment as I saw the rest of my family sitting in the pews I was so proud because we kept it together for each other. Even as she could have caused us to fall down to her level we rose above it by letting her reveal herself as the foolish woman she is.

That was the only blemish in an otherwise beautiful celebration of my grandpa's life. He would have been ashamed of her display but I know that he would say we must forgive the ignorance of one who knows better. So in the spirit of the example he set I shall do so. But she has done some almost irrepairable damage to her sibling relationships because "This Lady Lost Her Mind".

You know what's truly sad, if she ever got sick, the same sister she threw under the bus would be at her bed side to take care of her cuz the rest of us surely wouldn't. And that's the bridge you burn?

I hope she never needs a hand to help her up cuz she'll soon realize that she ain't got none willing to reach down to pick her up.

(shaking my head) I just needed to vent. I would have wrote it Sunday but I would of been cussing up a storm in here. I needed a few days to return to breathing normally.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I like to relax with Anthony Hamilton

Ligne Roset Maly Bed

I get into my bed put on Anthony Hamilton and totally zone out. The music totally mellows out my whole body and before I know it I'm out. Perfect de-stress. That and shoe shopping. :)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Technology Gives New Meaning To A 3 Way

I know that title makes it sound like this will be a dirty post. Sorry to disappoint. Or maybe not. Anyhow, in the last week I learned how one can cheat on someone and not get caught (not that I'm cheating on anyone. That would require me being in a relationship and me being capable of cheating which I'm not). I am not condoning cheating in anyway, shape or form but I now understand how it is possible.

A few posts ago I talked about exploring my options as far as men go. While I haven't plunged head first into "the experiment" I find that I am talking to 3 men through 3 different mediums, and in 3 different age groups. As always Mr. E is my on the top of the list and we communicate mostly through email. T-Bear (obviously not his real name) I met 2 weeks ago. I mentioned him in an earlier post, we communicate over the phone. And Trig whom I talk to through AIM.

Mr. E is my older man. Sweet, good looking, sexy voice. He stimulates me mentally which is so important for me and he's supportive. I've been getting frustrated though with the scheduling conflicts we always seem to have lately and I feel that is something that keeps me from going any further at the moment. Still my heart is moving in his direction (although I tell it to halt). I can talk to him so easily and this could turn out to be the perfect relationship. Exactly what I'm looking for. Could.

T-Bear is younger than me (not by much though). This is new and different territory. He is also very sweet and I get a good vibe off of him. He is doing things which is nice to see and I feel a good connection forming. But the attraction remains to be seen. This is mostly due to the feeling that we may be in different places (this is mostly my issue though). To is credit he does try to talk to me almost everyday which I realize is something that I need from a guy. You like to know that you cross his mind. His voice is nice but it doesn't cause me to close my eyes and sigh like Mr. E's does. However, when I can create a friendship connection with you that bodes well for what can happen in the future. It means I trust you which rarely happens with people I just meet.

Trig is about me age. He's fine and very mysterious. He's nice but reserved. In many ways he reminds me of my initial approach to dating. Picky, laid back, and guarded. This is kinda exciting because I like projects. I want to find out more. I usually don't have to work so hard to get info out of a guy (which usually causes me to hit the door) but he answers my questions with such honesty and its intriguing. How serious this can get through is iffy because I feel our values differ greatly. I've learned a lot of interesting things about him. He appeals greatly to a side of me that is dangerous. The side that I've only let surface in her entirety once. So here I must tread lightly or I run the risk of entertaining some really outrageous fantasies (we won't go there though, hopefully).

So right now I'm entertaining three guys that I can keep totally separate from one another. There is no, accidentally sent you the wrong message or called you by the wrong name. In actuality they never have to cross paths. A couple of years ago this wouldn't have been possible. But now technology has opened this door.

The thing is, although I'm technically not doing anything wrong I feel like a player. Coming from the side of being played and trying it out in the past myself I don't like what it does to the other party and for me in particular it shows me a side of myself I don't necessarily care for. While it can be exhilarating in the moment afterward when the dust settles pieces are left to be picked up.

I'm a one man gal. Get to know one guy at a time, learn his ins and outs and my conscience is clear if he ever decides to ask, I'm I the only one. But people keep telling me get out there. Meet new people. So am I just a too old fashioned, do I need to leave my comfort zone and play the field?

My only concern is my heart. It seems I give it away freely. What happens if I give it to all and to no one person in particular. Then what? Will I be able to deal with that? Its one thing to have a divided mind, its another to have a divided heart.

While these new guys represent exciting new possibilities,

there is still Mr. E... be continued


Today is a terrible allergy day. My eyes are itching, I'm sneezing, my face is all puffy. I feel like a swollen, fuzzy peach that keeps getting squeezed. Not sexy at all. These are the days you wish you could take a big pill and poof ...all better. Plus, I'm sleep deprived. But I don't think they have a pill big enough for what ails me. I'm so out of it. The only bright spot is that it raining. Wash all this pollen away. I wish I was in my bed.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

At Peace

My grandpa passed away yesterday morning. Most will probably think me heartless with my next comment but tough.

I'm not sad. I'm relieved and happy. For the last couple of months its been hard, knowing that he could choke to death and then him falling. It was breaking my heart that the man I knew as strong and independent was becoming frail and dependent on others for his care. He was feeling like a burden when that was the furthest thing from the truth and he wanted to go home to be with the Lord.

How can you be sad that one of the people you love most is now free from pain? Will I miss him? Of course. He was my last living grandparent and one of the sweetest people in life. But just knowing that he's not suffering anymore, that he's finally with my grandma (his wife, who his missed all this time. She died October 2003), and that he's free gives me peace.

No more choking, no more falling, no longer frail because for him absent from the body is present with the Lord. He has a new body free from cancer, that stands up straight without assistance, in a place where only happiness can abide. I have happiness and peace knowing that he is free. And hope.

Hope that one day freedom will come for me. Freedom from choking, freedom from falling, freedom from fraility.

And one day, I'll see him again...

Monday, May 4, 2009

From the mouth of Babes

Yesterday I had a really good convo wit my little (well not so little anymore) cousin. It was almost inevitable that she would ask me who Mr. E is after reading my blog. So with the question she gave me some good advice.

We all know the saga with Mr. E and my growing frustration. It seems that I always put my eggs in one basket yet the basket never is able to hold up. So she told me to conduct an experiment based on my post Young is the new Black. I should give the young bucks (legal of course) a chance along with any guy that may tickle my fancy. After all I'm not tied to Mr.E. We aren't exclusive. (Truth be told I don't know what we are.) Instead of writing them off she said I should keep my options open.

While this seems like duh, I realized that Mr. E is like my safety net. While I do really like him I see that I was doing it again. That thing I do where even though I'm not really happy with the way things are going I tolerate it cuz at least he's there. ( I really should smack myself).

While I'm not about to throw down my player card (My cousin's got that covered), she did make an interesting point. If Mr. E sensed he had competition for my affection, might that jumpstart him to be more proactive in this relationship? It might. In the process, might I discover something new about myself? Probably. And who knows what may come of this experiment.

Although clubs may not be my thing I definitely felt empowered that night. Like a new Damaris. A little Dangerous, so I need not bring her out too often but maybe I need to be able to incorporate her more into my life. That takes chances and is less afraid and who seriously contemplates this man experiment.

While I haven't taken the dive on the experiment I have expanded my sights to other men besides Mr. E and things are progressing nicely.

This single girl is keeping her options open. As my cousin said, I'm moving my other pots to the front of the stove but I'm still keeping Mr. E simmering on the back burner.

Hey, I like freedom but I'm still really feeling him.

From the mouth of Babes...I like what I'm hearing.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Up in the Club

Last night this single girl ventured into a realm she's never been in before. The Club. Yes for people who know me they will be shocked. I'm not the club type of girl. But last night for my sister and her friends I stepped out and...

It wasn't that bad. It was a good experience for me considering it was my first time. I was in my zone, dancing and singing, it felt like I was at home dancing in my room. I could almost forget where I was. Almost. I don't have huge speakers blasting music through my body.

The adventure was in getting there. I will admit I was looking nice in my dress. It was fitting right, so much so that even before I got to the club a guy was asking me if he could drive me some where. Now I ain't crazy I wanted to go back home in one piece so we ignored that one. It was a weird experience for me because usually I can go unnoticed by most people but last night every person I walked by or that passed me by looked at me. I still don't know if I liked it or not. It was interesting though.

So when I get there my party isn't there yet so I wait outside for them freezing my behind off and frizzing my hair out cuz it was drizzling (the price of being cute I guess). So they arrive and we good inside and they are playing old school jams . Just my style and right up me alley. But I was playing it cool. After a while though, the club started filling up and I started feeling nice and before I knew it I was getting my dance on. I did not dance wit any guys, I was happy to dance all by myself. I didn't go there to hook up so it didn't bother me that I didn't

Highlight of the night: When a guy in the club proceeded to tap (a hard tap) me 3 times to come dance. Yeah, that didn't work. Step to me correct please. Sweet words will draw me better than a tap. He was pretty good looking but then when I heard his voice (he came to tell me "don't be like" that cuz I wouldn't dance wit him. Why is it that whenever you don't do what a guy wants you to do they say "don't be like that"? Like what? Its my perogative), total no go.

We were there till almost 3 am but this single girl had to go to work in the morning. As I am writing this I'm living off of 2.5 hrs (3 hrs max) of sleep. Its a miracle that I'm still awake right now. Finally upon leaving the club another guy comes up to me. A bit taller then me in my heels, chocolate skin (right up my alley), ok build, and rocking an accent."Why you leaving?" We all know the obvious answer to this question but I played along. I was feeling bold for some reason. I took his number. Don't think anything will come of it through. Which is fine by me. I don't know why but it always gives us women a thrill when you know a guy wants you even when you aren't particularly interested.

Then on the way home, on the bus I see this real cutie wit dimples, chocolaty brown skin, clean cut. I was feening for real. We kept making eye contact and I had this really strong urge to hit on him but I had to talk myself down cuz I was feeling way too good and who knows what I woulda done if I hadn't practiced some good old fashioned self-control.

Finally at 4 am I got home, undressed, washed my face and hit the hay. That was the happiest tired I have ever been. It was so fun.

I say all this because even in the midst of this new experience, the whole time I was thinking about Mr. E and how much I missed him. How I wished I coulda dance with him at the club. I think I had such a strong reaction to the guy on the bus because he reminded me of Mr. E.

Either I'm daft or I really like him. I'm really hoping its the latter and not the former. I'm pretty sure its the latter. But it just doesn't make sense. For a rational female such as myself none of this makes sense and yet I don't know how to describe what is going on. Isn't it irrational to miss him?

I feel a door to a hidden closet of my life was opened last night and stuff I've never felt or thought I wanted to feel came pouring out. Yet in the midst of that, the image of Mr. E came through strong. How crazy is that?

What is this single girl to do?

....she's trying to find that out for herself.