Lady Dee is Back

I was gone for awhile and I'm back. With a new outlook and a new approve to this blog. I'm once again single and have experienced quite a few changes in my life. I realized recently that I missed bloggin. I missed writing about the experiences in my life, the struggles of being a single female, and just being able to vent.

This time around my posts will be more reflective, honest, open. This is like an online journal. I may be the only one feeling what I feel or experiencing what I am experiencing but... maybe I'm not. Maybe someone will relate, maybe they won't but either way...

Lady Dee is back.

...to be continued

Remembering Today

One of the scariest days of my life as a New Yorker. I will never forget it. Sitting in Spanish class when I found out the Towers had been hit. All I knew was that my parents worked in Manhattan. Wasn't sure how close to World Trade they were but at that point we weren't sure what was going on and if my whole city was under attack. They dismissed us from school and Flushing was bananas. The lines for the buses were insane. I was the first one to get home. I walked into my house calling peoples names and no one answered. I went into my parents room and turned on the TV and watched the footage. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't know if my parents were ok, I didn't know if now I had to take care of my sibs by myself. Life was totally uncertain. Phones weren't working. I sat frozen, eyes glued to the screen watching and praying. And then after what seemed like forever my mom came through the door. A little later my dad came in after picking my bro up from afterschool. Then my sister came home. And all the worry and fear was gone. Then it hit me that for many families across my city their loved ones didn't come home. Its a very sobering, humbling thought. We all slept in my parents bed that night, something I hadn't done since I was a kid. I hoped that when I woke up the next morning it was all a bad dream. 

I can't believe its been 9 years already. We were all so paralyzed. Planes were now scary things. The Airforce was flying overhead. It took a long time for things to be normal again. But my city came together. Acts of bravery and heroism displayed unselfishly. We helped each other.  Its sad that a tragic event is what it took to make people care about others. Death and destruction don't recognize color, faith, or gender. We shouldn't either. The only way to destroy hate is with love. Love one another, let go of grudges, forgive, show kindness when its not deserved, give a smile and say Good morning because your alive and grateful. It won't only start a change in you and your heart but it will begin to make a change in others as well. 

The Greatest of these is Love

Thats what the Bible says because the Lord knew that hate will destroy but that love brings life. If we don't learn anything else from this experience I hope we learn to love one another. If we do then we'll make our world a better place. A safer place.

In Love Once

I was in love once but it was a young, naive, almost obsessive kinda of love that wasn't any type of healthy. I think back on it often. How I wanted him so badly to love me back. How I did almost anything possible to get him to love me back.

And now after he broke my heart and years have passed I wonder who was that person? Why did she allow such poor treatment? If it hadn't ended the way it did would I have had the strength to demand better or walk away?

I remember how eager I was to fall in love when I was a teenager. I've loved love stories since I was a kid. I love to hear the stories behind how couples met. Asking then how did they know that they had found the one. They all get that faraway look as if reliving that moment when they realized, "Oh boy my heart is in trouble." lol

I've always wanted that story. But living after a broken heart I wonder if my heart is strong enough to attempt love again. I'm nurturing and loving by nature. I can very easily show love and I let people into my heart but I haven't given my heart to anyone.

Love isn't easy, it can hurt, and it can be scary. I still want my story but I wonder if my heart is not too fractured. If I have the strength to not settle. If I believe with all I've got that God has that man and that story waiting for me at the right time. That I would be able to know him when I see him and not be afraid to love him.

We throw love around so causally in today's society when it isn't really love at all. But I want real love, true love, romantic, there with you in the trenches, all consuming, you complete me love.

Sometime you wonder if that even exists anymore...

Reading The Divine Matchmaker and it inspired this post because as I began to read their love story something in me opened up and began to weep because I realized though I've been in love once I never experience love like that. And I envy it.

The next, and hopefully the last, time I fall in love I want that "tingle" that lets me know, "this is what love is". No convincing, no wondering, no trying to change or mold just that "tingle".

... to be continued

What Temperament Are U?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperament Are You?

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

This sounds just a little bit too much like me. My gosh that's crazy.

... to be continued

Feeling the Bitterness

Have you ever felt bitterness just trying to rise up in? I'm trying to fight this feeling with all my might. I'm not trying to be one those people who throws herself a self-pity party and I'm not trying to be a tired, mad, bitter black woman that the world is so fond of portraying and hating.

But it is hard sometimes not to want to let those feelings over take you. Its actually easier to be bitter and mad then to rise above it and move on. In this journey we all will experience the desire to be bitter. To snarl our teeth and lash out at a world that sometimes deals us the short end of the stick.

We'll want to blame others and hold grudges and ... I've been there. But I'm reminded of the advice I gave my young people at youth group one night last year.

We can't change other people, the families we are born into, sometimes we can't change our circumstances or the way things happen. We can't control a lot of things but we can control ourselves. How we act, how we react, what we learn, how we press on- that is what we can change.

So I'm choosing not to be bitter because things aren't going the way I might want them to go. I'm choosing to trust God and the process. This is definitely not easy for me. At all.

But life is all about choices and just because bitterness wants to pull me in I gotta fight to get outta that trap.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13 

...to be continued   

Thinking Like a Man

Now if you've known me since my private school days (shout out to FCS) you'd know I was a tomboy. I clean up nice don't I? Lol. Anyhoo, I spent a lot of my time back then trying to be one of the guys. I was always competing with them. I wanted to be the best girl at every sport so that the boys would want to pick me for their team. I used to watch sports like nobodies business. Could name all the teams in the NFL and the NBA and most in the MLB. (Not now unfortunately. Teams be moving and I don't have the time to commit them all to memory.) And ESPN was (still is) my favorite channel. Sports Center. Yes sir.

Guys have always seemed comfortable around me. 1. I was quiet, didn't ask many questions. 2. I knew sports so I could easily add my 2 cents when I felt like it. 3. I wasn't trying to be thier girlfriend. (In the beginning anyway) In return I observed and listened. And for better or worse somethings rubbed off and stuck.

So here are the top 5 ways I think like a man

1. Don't interupt me while my game is on. During football season unless you want your head chopped off don't interupt me while I watch the game, highlights, and Mike'd Up with Mike Francessa. Now if you want to join me while I watch cool but don't talk to me about anything other than the game, don't touch the remote, and don't ask me to do nothing. I'm with the guys on this one.
2. I can understand the being with someone just to get yours with no emotions involved. Right now I can identify at least 3 guys I could call on the phone right now and be like I'll be at your house in 5 be ready for me. No strings, no attachments just take care of me and then I'm out and back home feeling satisfied. I do not exercise that power because I know how it feels to be used and I don't want to do that to anyone. But if my moral compass was pointed more to the south there would be a lot of brokenhearted dudes in my wake. Cuz I know I'd be able to walk away without even batting an eye. (Even as I typed that it sounded horrible. Even more reason for me not to do it)
   
3. I get playing the game just to see if you could bag. Lots of women get pissed off when a guy talks them up all night, seems to make a great connection with them, they give the guy their number and he never calls. Well I get why they do it cuz I've done it. I'm guilty. Its a thrill. You just want to see if you can get them hooked. Can you pull there attention? Can you hold there attention? Is it right? No. But its part of the game. I've definitely toned this down because my goals and objectives have changed but every now and then its a huge ego boost when I can get that guy I'd never talk to on the regular to be interested. (You know the really fine one that you know isn't what you need but defintely what you want.)
4. Checking out of a conversation. I'm the type of person who wants to solve an issue. And I'm willing to listen. After I come up with the solution I'm tired of hearing about the same blasted problem. I'm finding that when I'm conversing with a guy he carries the conversation most of the time and I'm sitting there saying, "Yeah", "Uh huh", "Oh ok". Now usually girls complain that guys don't listen. I can understand why. Some of the things I've heard, some of the marathon call sessions I've been apart of. It sometimes is all too much. So I get the checking out of the conversation. You just trying to keep your sanity.
5. Openingly oogling (checking out) someone. While it makes me self-concious as all get out when this happens to me I am guilty of doing this exact thing. When I see something I like I stare at it. Complete with the lip lick, undressing with the eyes, and looking you up and down. I'm bad. But I get it. Not saying that its appropiate but I get it. I think men are gorgeous and sometimes I don't want to help myself. I just gotta look and appreciate him and wish I had him.
   

And the bonus: Being closed off. Many women want there man to be an open book. Sit down and talk about feelings and share. I'm not the sharing type of girl. The extent of the info I give are things the guys could/would find out on his own. While I probably know more about some of the guys I've dated than their parents they know next to nil about me. Why? Cuz I'm not one to volunteer information like that. I keep my personal biz close to the body. I'm with the guys on this one.

So whats the problem? Thinking like a guy is turning me into... well... a guy. Sure I've got all these great curves, awesome legs, and an amazing sense of fashion but this mindset is gonna get me in trouble. When a guy approahes me now its like game on. I've already decided before he gets to me if he's a friend, I'd sleep with him (if I didn't abstain of course), or if he's dateable. And I find that I'm stepping back emotional. It just doesn't seem natural to me. The roles seem reversed in a way. Do ya'll feel me or am I just special?

I guess that's why I'm still in Singleville.

... to be continued.

Reflective

This single girl has been doing some thinking and some house cleaning recently.

The Experiment that I have put into effect a little over 3 months ago has come to a point of evaluation. The guys I started the experiment out with are no longer prospects for anything other than friendship if that. (I've met some crazies, in case you didn't know)

Currently the only 2 prospects I have are Honey and Mr. E. I'm realizing that I care for Mr. E a lot more than I thought I did. And Honey reminds me of Mr. E in some ways which may be while he has been able to hold my attention.

I still talk to Mr. Smith on occasion but I feel that we are moving into that cool friendship stage. I care about him, I'm just not into him in a romantic way.

Mr. Feel Good is so sweet and can always put a smile on my face but at this moment I can't look passed anything other than friendship. I hate (I really do) that my feelings are based on seemingly superficial things. But usually for me when I nit pick like that there is usually an underlying more substantial reason. I just can't put my finger on it as yet.

So what has the experiment taught me????

1. I've learned that I am a sexy, intelligent, and worthwhile catch. My self-esteem has gotten a major boost from all of this. And while I know that value should not be found in the eyes of man, its still nice to hear. Lol. But I've come to truly love my body (including my big booty, lol), my mind, and the quirkiness that makes up who I am.
2. I've learned I don't have to settle. I like what I like. And there is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with that. My dreams, wants, and desires are just that. Mine. And the man that fits what I want is out there. I need to have faith.
3. Mr. E. I've learned that Mr. E is an integral part in me even having the ability to do this experiment. Yes this was birthed out of a convo with my cousin but before I had met him I had given up on relationships and meeting a good man. I had resigned myself to the life of a nun. (Yes, I know. I had a momentary lapse into insanity. Won't happen again.) The day I met him it was like the Ex who? Lol. And every guy I've met thus far has been compared to Mr. E. (Sorry guys) He's become so important to me in such a short time I couldn't imagine him not being a part of this journey. He makes my heart (among other things) flutter.
4. I've learned I'm changing. I'm being more up front. I'm being more assertive. Less afraid. More sure of me as a women and as a child of God. I'm starting to trust my own judgement again and heeding her wisdom.
5. I've learned that my walk with Christ trumps the booty anyday. I made a promise to my heavenly Father to wait til I'm married to have sex. And it has been a battle. These guys seem hell bent on testing my resolve. What they don't know is that the Holy Spirit walks with me and when my strength ebbs away his kicks in. I intend to keep my promise. Lord Help me.

While I continue my journey in Singleville I'm doing so more focused and not willing to lower my standards.

Thanks so much for following this journey with me. I found that I really love blogging and that its actually quite theraputic. Keep following the journey and leave your feedback cuz I truly do value your opinions.

Well the saga continues for this single girl. ;)

... to be continued