I Wanna Be With You

I wanna be with you

If only for a night

To be the one whose in your arms

Who holds you tight

I wanna be with you

There`s nothing more to say

There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way

I wanna be with you

That Mandy Moore song is old but is so beautiful and captures an emotion that all people want to hear from another person. "I wanna be with you baby." I know I do. (I still remember how it made me feel back when I was a nerdy teen in high school.)

Last night in Singleville was an interesting night. Skittles calls me. (see Young Bucks on the Come Up ) Now when he does he usually gets me frustrated because he doesn't like to annouce himself. Now I always know who it is but its annoying. (I view it like a like kid game he like to play with me and it always reminds of the fact that he's still young) Your probably wondering why I don't just save his number in my phone. He doesn't have a phone so he calls me from all these random numbers. Saving any one of the numbers he calls me from would be useless and a waste of time.

Anyway, we usually don't get into anything deep when he calls. He tells me he loves me. I tell him ok, whatever you say. This goes on for a few minutes and then we hang up. (Ok I hang up) I know your thinking, "Man she's a bish to him." The thing is I've been hearing this song and dance for almost as long as I've known him. I've never taken it seriously because I just thought it was a little boyhood crush that I thought he'd grow out of. (He met me when he was 13 and I was 18.)

But last night, although that is how I thought the conversation would go, that's not how it went at all. Of course he said to me, "You know I love you right?" And I obligingly say yes. And then he says, "Why can't we be together?" He's asked me this a million times and I've given him the same answer a million times but last night he wouldn't let it go. Then he asks, "If we were the same age would we be together?" Crap. The one question I had hoped he'd never ask me. I had to answer truthly. And the answer is that its a strong possibility. Now I can't make any promises that it would be the case but if we were on equal footing I would seriously consider it. I shoulda told him know. But its just not in me to lie. And that would be a big lie.

The thing with Skittles is that I know that he wants to be with me and that he would treat me right. However, he has so much instability. He is still a kid (which is evidenced in some of the things he says) and while thats all good I haven't been a "kid" for a while now. My mindset and outlook has always been a mature one and I just don't think we are on the same level.

Trying to convey this to someone who says that they've loved you since the first time they saw you is an impossible task. He is still set on being with me and marrying me. I almost died when he told me that he wanted me to wait 7 years for him so that we could get married. In 7 years I'll be 30. And while its possible that I might still be single by then. That is not my goal nor my hope.

I guess for me, I'm just trying to understand why he wants to be with me with such intensity. What does he feel I will give him? Why does he give me such loyalty? It a little baffling to me, especially after some of the things he told me. He treats me with a lot more respect than all of the females he deals with. (he treat those other girls a little doggish :-/) Its almost like reverence. I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal because I will most assuredly fall off. So I asked him, "What happens when you get tired of me? What happens when I get old?" He said he'd never get tired of me and to him I'm not old *sigh*

Oh, boy. What girl doesn't what to hear that? Who doesn't want to be loved like that? But I've said it before and I'll say it again. You can't live on love alone. I wish you could but you can't and I need stability. I thrive on stability. I need someone I can lean on because so many lean on me. He is such a gray area. Nothing with him is black and white. And just the thought of teetering and struggling makes my palms sweat and my heart race. The only thing I could tell him is that if were meant to be God will make a way. (Cuz right now I can't see us together) He said he's been praying for that for the last 5 years. Lord have mercy. Would it be wrong of me to pray the opposite of his prayer? Yeah that's what I thought.

Now while I'm talking to Skittles I'm texting Mr. Feel Good. Now he is still in the friend category but we've been talking a lot lately. Like I've said before he is incredibly sweet and recently we've shared with each other some of our plans for the future. (I love a man with goals) Which was really nice. So last night were texting and I start to see him use possessive language. Basically saying your mine. This was kinda out of left field so I say, "I'm your?" And he says yes.

Ok...ummm. Then he asks me, "Are you my lady?" Whoa. Now I'm put on the spot. Both on the phone and thru text I'm being told I wanna be with you. And I'm speechless. I haven't even met Mr. Feel Good in person yet so how can I know if I'm his lady? I don't know what chemistry we will have or if I can see myself being with him like that. Plus, even though our text conversations are good anytime we have a phone convo some how I always end up turned off.

So last night I went to sleep exhausted and confused. I thought that by hearing someone say "I wanna be with you" everything would burst into color and I'd get all warm and tingly and then say it back with gusto. But last night I couldn't. Everything in me wanted to be able to but I just couldn't. My question is why did my heart ache a little?

Oh, Singleville how you confuse me so. Just when I think I've got it figured out something happens and it says, "Ha! Nope, you haven't figured it out quite yet."

I still love the song though. :)

... to be continued.

TMI

I have found that guys like to talk. A LOT. They say that they don't. That women will talk your ear off but trust me, if you give a guy a comforting smile and a willing ear he will tell you his whole life story. And I've heard a lot of life stories. But how much info is too much info to share.

I've heard about baby mommas, ex-girlfriend cheated with another girl, almost got engaged, parents moved away without me, my moms kicked me out, I was engaged, my pops and I don't get along, my girlfriend used to beat me up. I mean and the list goes on. Its like I'm these guys therapist. Lol.

While I don't mind listening (you find out a lot about who someone is when you listen) some of these things were told to after I had just met them. I must come off as really trust worth. But some of these thing I feel a girl should be eased into. I'm all for disclosure but are you trying to keep me interested or are you trying to scare me away?

To be honest some of the things I've heard give me a complex about the guy. It also causes me to watch what I say and do around them. I mean, really, if he telling me all of this what will he tell someone else about me?

I get that everyone has baggage. I have baggage too, but I don't share it just like that. I have to feel like the relationship is going some where before I put myself out there. Now I'm not talking about telling people about your favorite color or food, that you like to play football or that you think Rihanna is hot, but dropping that the reason your last relationship didn't work is because you caught your girlfriend having a menage a trois with your best friend and his cousin Pookie into first date conversation is not the thing to do.

So I guess the question is, how much of yourself should you reveal when getting to know someone new? How much information is too much information? Should you reveal things in stages? Are there just some things you should never reveal?

I'm telling, you talking to some of these guys I feel like a psychiatrist. I just can't prescribe medication (I really don't have a license to practice either. *shrugs*) lol. Are guys looking for a psychiatrist or a girlfriend? Yeah I can listen but don't expect me to be your ride or die chick and I've known you all of 8 mins. Be realistic. And this goes for girls too.

Sometimes people share too much. I think in some cases I've heard too much which kills the love connection. So how much is too much?

Guys say we women talk a lot. They ain't got nothing on us. Lol.

... to be continued.

Conversation

I don't know about you but good conversation just does something for me. Tuesday night I talked to Spike (he works in media). The conversation blew my mind. Its probably because I was having a grown up conversation. Conversation that stimulated my mind, caused me to think and dialogue about important isseus. And I could use big words and he knew what they mean. (Heaven). This guy knew his mind, where he was coming from, and where he was trying to go. It was bananas. The only hang up is he is 12 years older than me (which isn't a problem for me) and he says he only dates women 10 year older or younger. Thats the cut off and I just miss the mark (sigh). But I must say I was really feeling the conversation and the thought of having more convos like that made my body tingle.

When you deal with guys like Spike and Mr. E you have to be on it and get some act right because they don't have time for games. Not that I play games but lately... I need to get myself back on track because I want to attract the Spikes and Mr. E's of this world. Intelligent, sexy men, with goals, that happen to be black and aren't gonna give you BS.

We'll see what happens. Either way, I'll have procured a friendship with Spike cuz I like to be around people with awareness of current issues. Keeps my mind sharp.

But I'm hoping that maybe something else will come from it (its rare to find a 6'2 brotha that works out both his body and mind). But time will tell.

And Mr. E... (sigh) Time will tell that too.

...to be contiuned.