Friday, December 30, 2011

Big Changes Coming?

Our of the blue Mr. E hit me up the other day and it thru my whole world upside down. We haven't talked in a year and a half. Maybe it was because the holidays were coming up. I don't know. Everytime he make surprise visits in my life something happens and its usually a relationship something. However, I'm not in a relationship, not even close to being in one.

Maybe I'm making this a bigger deal then it really is. Maybe nothing is gonna happen. But I've work myself up over this. Sometimes I wonder if I use his pop up appearances in my life to force me to make decisions in my life relationship wise. Whenever I'm trying to get comfortable in my relationship status BAM! here he comes.

Whatever it means even if its nothing I'm anxious and I don't like it. While I know that change at times is necessary I don't like it. And I'm afraid that whatever awaits me on the horizon I won't like that either.


... to be continued

Open Letter #3

I often think about you. What you look like, how you smell. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of what you will look like. When I lay in bed at night i wonder what your doing and if you're ok. I say the same prayer every night;

Lord keep him safe. Watch over him. Keep him from harm and danger. Prepare his heart for me and prepare my heart for him. Bless the work of his hands. Help him to find me and me to find him.

I imagine what our life, our love will be like but I can't stay there too long. Longing and sadness will begin to fill my heart. Bitterness and envy will begin to fill my soul and that is not what I want in my life.

I often wonder why we are apart when I want you to be near. Everything happens in time and there is rhyme and reason to everything that happens in life. My head knows that but my eyes cry tears of frustration cuz all I want  to do is carress your face or hold your hand or look into your eyes or see you smile or hold you close. Things we often take for granted. Things we desire sometimes more than air.

All I can do is imagine how you look and feel and smell and taste. For now I pray; that the bitterness will not creep in, that my hope won't die, that the tears will stop falling, that God will keep you safe, and that the rhyme and reason will make sense to me. And wait till the day that I find you and you find me and I can finally stop dreaming cuz it will be real.

All my my love,

Your Future Wife

Friday, December 2, 2011

Not Taken Seriously

I was told today (or yesterday) that why I talk I can come of like I don't know what I'm talking about.
*Pause* While this is being told to me I'm think, so people hear me talk and think I'm stupid?

I'm a nerd! So, if people think I don't know what I'm talking about they won't take me seriously. I'm so not happy. I'm a soft spoken person and its already hard for me to speak out loud. I'm used to be being out talked, ignored but I hate to not be taken seriously.

More and more I feel like I'm not taken seriously. And it hurts. Have you ever just hit a, what the hell am I hear for moment. I have worked so hard my whole life to be heard and now that I am people think that what comes out makes no sense? I'm frustrated beyond belief.

Its depressing to watch someone's face go blank on you while your mid-sentence all the wind gets taken out of you. It makes me wonder truly what I am doing. I often wonder if  I could become invisible again like I was as a kid when I didn't say anything.

Maybe I am too sensitive. At least that's what I've been told. But everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be taken seriously.

Unfortunately in my life, both personal and professional I'm just not. *sigh*

My world has been rough lately and ... it still is

.... to be continued