Open Letter #3

I often think about you. What you look like, how you smell. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of what you will look like. When I lay in bed at night i wonder what your doing and if you're ok. I say the same prayer every night;

Lord keep him safe. Watch over him. Keep him from harm and danger. Prepare his heart for me and prepare my heart for him. Bless the work of his hands. Help him to find me and me to find him.

I imagine what our life, our love will be like but I can't stay there too long. Longing and sadness will begin to fill my heart. Bitterness and envy will begin to fill my soul and that is not what I want in my life.

I often wonder why we are apart when I want you to be near. Everything happens in time and there is rhyme and reason to everything that happens in life. My head knows that but my eyes cry tears of frustration cuz all I want  to do is carress your face or hold your hand or look into your eyes or see you smile or hold you close. Things we often take for granted. Things we desire sometimes more than air.

All I can do is imagine how you look and feel and smell and taste. For now I pray; that the bitterness will not creep in, that my hope won't die, that the tears will stop falling, that God will keep you safe, and that the rhyme and reason will make sense to me. And wait till the day that I find you and you find me and I can finally stop dreaming cuz it will be real.

All my my love,

Your Future Wife

Life Isn't Always a Fairy Tale...

I'm a person who can get lost in a book. My head in the clouds. I've been so many places, with so many people in my fantasies and imagination.

I was a dreamer. I was a person who looked for happy endings and silver linings.

Often enough life changes you. Maybe I grew up too sheltered. Maybe I lived in a bubble... that's finally been burst. A glass house... now shattered into a million pieces. A tower of cards... now knocked over.

I miss who I used to be. I really liked her. This jaded miss has finally broken. She's realized that you don't get older, fall in love, get married, have babies, grow old together in the span of a two hour movie. Sometimes your alone, by yourself, ...Single

We don't always get what we want when we desperately want it. We don't always have it waiting for us when get done living, running, funning. We don't always because....

Life Isn't always a Fairy Tale

...to be continued

Chante's Got a Man at Home

I love this song.



I guess you could call me Chante ;)

... to be continued

In Love Once

I was in love once but it was a young, naive, almost obsessive kinda of love that wasn't any type of healthy. I think back on it often. How I wanted him so badly to love me back. How I did almost anything possible to get him to love me back.

And now after he broke my heart and years have passed I wonder who was that person? Why did she allow such poor treatment? If it hadn't ended the way it did would I have had the strength to demand better or walk away?

I remember how eager I was to fall in love when I was a teenager. I've loved love stories since I was a kid. I love to hear the stories behind how couples met. Asking then how did they know that they had found the one. They all get that faraway look as if reliving that moment when they realized, "Oh boy my heart is in trouble." lol

I've always wanted that story. But living after a broken heart I wonder if my heart is strong enough to attempt love again. I'm nurturing and loving by nature. I can very easily show love and I let people into my heart but I haven't given my heart to anyone.

Love isn't easy, it can hurt, and it can be scary. I still want my story but I wonder if my heart is not too fractured. If I have the strength to not settle. If I believe with all I've got that God has that man and that story waiting for me at the right time. That I would be able to know him when I see him and not be afraid to love him.

We throw love around so causally in today's society when it isn't really love at all. But I want real love, true love, romantic, there with you in the trenches, all consuming, you complete me love.

Sometime you wonder if that even exists anymore...

Reading The Divine Matchmaker and it inspired this post because as I began to read their love story something in me opened up and began to weep because I realized though I've been in love once I never experience love like that. And I envy it.

The next, and hopefully the last, time I fall in love I want that "tingle" that lets me know, "this is what love is". No convincing, no wondering, no trying to change or mold just that "tingle".

... to be continued

Love is ... Action

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

You decide to love someone. Its not just warm fuzzies and tinglies that run around in your body, butterflies that flap their wings because the object of your affection has entered the room. Love is action. Its a conscious decision to put someone else's thoughts, wants, needs and desires before your own. Its a conscious decision to forget past wrongs, its a conscious decision to not be rude, to be patient with them, to consider their feelings. Love is protecting one another, love is trusting each other, love is hoping in everything that they are to you, Love is never throwing in the towel. Love never falls out of love. 


If you "fall" out of love with someone then you decided that. Love doesn't just stop. And if it does I wonder if it was truly love to begin with. This isn't just romantic love but all love. We throw the word love around so carelessly knowing full well that we have no intention of being true love to that person. Trust me I don't always get this right but I do take love seriously. There are many people I care about deeply but there are few that I love honestly and truly. I love people who at times don't deserve my love but then again there are times I don't deserve their love either. Who are we to judge who does and doesn't deserve love?


Love isn't about deserving it or not. If you truly love someone its no matter what they've done, said or thought.


Love isn't empty promises and sweet words. Don't tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Not with just flowers and candy but with eyes that express what words can't, with showing me grace when I do something u think is dumb, by not putting me down, by giving me a day off to remind me of why I chose you, by not lying to me, by not giving me a reason to doubt you. There are countless ways to show true love.


I know no one can perfect loving someone. Thats not what I seek but I want someone who is willing to make the same commitment to love as I do. I'm not a perfect lover of people. I'm not pretending to be, I only know of one person who was.

I just know what love isn't. And I won't settle for what it isn't.

.... to be continued

Being A Couple

I find myself in an interesting place. The longest couple I've ever been apart of is with my sister. Lol. For most of our lives we were know as "the girls". We've had our ups and downs but in the end we always come back to each other. Thats the nature of our bond.

Aren't we cute ;)

But now I find I'm in a different kind of couple. The male/female dynamic is interesting because my honey and I, we just don't think alike. Its a growing experience for me because things that I think are inappropriate Washington doesn't see why its a big deal. I get upset so easily and I have to realize that he doesn't think like me.

He frustrates me at times and I want to throw up my hands and walk away but u can't do that in a relationship. You have to try to work things out. You have to try and look at things from the others point of view. Relationships are work. Lol. (I know thats like a big, DUH!)

My sister and I are so in-tune to each other that we know when something is not right or wat the other wants to say before they say it. It doesn't even seem like work. But we have had our ups and downs. Plus, our sister relationship has taken years to develop. Its not really fair to compare the two is it?

I'm finding that I need to be more understanding, more patient, and give Washington a chance because....

He really cares. He cares about my feelings, is becoming acquainted with my moods, and he's trying and I need to try just as hard. No relationship is perfect. Its about give and take. Learning and understanding your partner. Growing with them. Being patient, faithful, and loving. He's willing to make things better because he wants to make me happy. And thats important. I have to return that effort otherwise wats the point of being a couple?

So, I need to give my relationship a chance to grow just like I worked hard to grow my relationship with my sister.

It makes me wonder wat is holding me back from that?

.... to be continued

I Wanna Be Your Man

This song takes me back to a school dance in Love and Basketball. A lot of my posts have been songs as of late. Hmmm. *shrugs* Ok, so I have an interesting situation right about now.

I'm talking to the Personal Trainer (PT) on Saturday and he tells me that if we weren't being held apart by distance I'd be his woman. Awh, that sucks. Cuz we are, we still talk everyday but I'm in NY and he's in Georgia. Where is the justice?

In the mean time, new prospect intro coming, I've been talking to Washington (he's a Redskins fan). I actually started talking to him before I started talking to the Personal Trainer but PT has stolen my heart. Anyway, he really seems to be feeling me and we also talk everyday. Now, I like him too but some how talking to him feels like I'm cheating on PT or at the very least being dishonest. I'm not that type of girl and I hate that feeling.

Also this passed Saturday, Mr. E emailed me (of course not answering my email) but why did my heart go all a flutter again and I was ready to forgive him all things? *smh* What the heck is wrong with me?

The MC hits me up that same Saturday talking about, come over and cuddle and watch movies with me. Honey is still lurking in the shadows trying to make something happen even if its by sheer force of will and I'm just like "What is going?"

But what takes the cake is today my friend, Poppa, hit me with the I should be your man, your should be my woman pitch. Adding in at the end, "You should give this young guy a shot." Now we have been hanging out a lot more lately and I did start to feel these vibes he was sending my way (We ladies always know when a dude is trying to make a play for us. We get this sense that somethings changed.) but I was hoping and praying that what happened wouldn't happen. Now he didn't just come out and say it but... I'll explain more in a later post.

Can you see my interesting position. I'm getting all these vibes that they all want me in some way. A confidant, lover, ride or die chick, friend. Some of them are a lot more vocal and clear than others about what they want but all in all they seem to be saying the same thing, I wanna be your man. I wanted just one guy but I'm finding myself with more than one guy wanting to be with me. Their actions speak towards that.

I feel like all of them expect me to say "Yes, I'll be with you and only you". They have all gotten used to me being there, answering them, talking with them, vibing with them but I chalk that up to me being a friend.

The three I really like are the Personal Trainer, Washington, and Mr. E. And to be honest if PT lived in NY this wouldn't even be an issue. And if Mr. E wasn't so busy this scenario wouldn't exist at all but anyway. I could be a girlfriend to any one of these men and potential be happy for a time but I want to be with the right one not just anyone. So I want to take my time making my decision.

2 issues arise from this

1. They may not want to wait. Which means I could miss out on that guy or if I make a hasty decision I could pick the wrong guy.
2. Once I decide he may say, "You know wat, on second thought, you're not the one for me".

*sigh* The last thing I want is hurt feelings on all sides. I don't know why I thought this would be easy.

Singleville... *smh*

...to be continued

What Makes A Good Birthday Gift?

That is the question plaguing me this day.

This is the situation. A man's wife's birthday is coming up and he buys her scented candles. He gets her a card and buys a card for the kids to sign too. He takes her out to dinner and then gives her the gift and when asked if she likes them she says, "They're ok." She says this because she doesn't feel this is a gift a husband gives to a wife. Its not personal enough. :-/ She'd rather have gotten socks!

Now it may be just me (I'm not a married lady afterall) but I think the fact that he remembered, took me out, and actually bought me a gift is a feat that is much appreciated and would be greatly rewarded. Am I wrong here? Yeah it might not have been what you wanted but appreciate the effort.

Nowadays, its hard to find a man who has a job, takes care of his responsiblities, can put it on you something serious, and gives you a gift on your birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and Christmas. C'mon ladies, is it necessary to nitpick on the fact that the gift wasn't personal enough to your standards? Have we become that rigid that we can't appreciate the effort our men make for us when so many often don't?

But the most pressing question is, What qualifies as a good and personal gift that a husband should give a wife? I mean men give ther wives really nice, expensive gifts but don't pick them out. They send someone to the store with a charge card and say here's the limit get her something nice and they are just as surprised as their wife when she opens the gift. How personal is that? Wouldn't you rather get a gift where your husband went to the mall to decide whether or not you'd like the lavender scented one or the strawberries and cream? I mean that's love cuz what man likes to go to the mall or shopping period? Lol.

I don't get it. Since I'm one that doesn't expect to get anything on her birthday besides text messages and facebook posts (I cherish those by the way) if I received a gift, even if I didn't love it I'd never let the giver know it. Why? Because they cared enough to go out and spend money on me. Cuz they remembered and took out time in their day to acknowledge me. In as fast paced a world as we live in I don't take those things for granted.

After all, isn't it the thought behind the gift that really counts?

Life's too short to be ungrateful. (I realized I just sounded like my Grandmother. Lol.)

... to be continued.

The Audition

Whether they know it or not any man that steps to me or crosses my path is auditioning for the part of my husband.

Just like any audition there are those that come prepared and those that have no clue what they're doing. There are those that thought they might audition just to see what it would be like or cuz they thought it was a fun thing to do. While others stepped up to the plate ready to work. There are those who look like they will be a perfect fit but end up being all wrong for the part. Then there are those who look like they won't make the cut and surprise you.

Some I knew weren't right for the part. Then there were others I thought would be a good fit but they weren't ready. Still others made it all the way through the process only to pull out at the last minute.

Some were really enthusiastic but weren't the right fit. Others took so long to respond that they lost they're spot.

This role is not an easy one to fill. This I know. I will admit that. There have been some call backs. And a few table readings. However, the role is open.

I'm hosting open casting calls as we speak.

Welcome to Singleville. Open casting call. All men are welcome except Them Men and they know who they are. From now until my Wedding Day.

... to be continued

I Think I Love You

Whenever a man asks you "Do you believe in love at first sight?" after three dates warning signs should flash and sirens should blare. When the MC texted me this, why did I pray that he didn't say say "I love you." What he texted was just as bad.

I Think I Love You

How can he know that? Yes, I do believe in love at first sight. I believe that you can know if you want to be with someone instantly, that you can feel a pull so strong that you know you are meant to be with that person forever, and that butterflies will flutter in your stomach uncontrollably. I just wouldn't go to that person after hanging out 3 times and tell them I think I love you. Rejection is a ... you know.

So I understand that but... I guess I'm just a cynic. I don't understand why he would feel that way about me. And to be honest this gave me pause.

I think he's a great guy, I enjoy the time I spend with him but those 4 reservations are constantly in play in the back of my mind. I hate to admit it but I thought to myself, "I wish that a certain someone else was telling me this".

I just don't feel what he feels at this moment, telling me he feels like we are soul mates and that I'm stuck with him. I'm trying to figure out if this is game he trying to run on me. What's his angle? What does he feel that I can offer him that makes me worthy of forever? Why is he so ready to settle down now? Is it me specifically he wants or is so ready for marriage that any woman would do?

When someone tells you they "think" they love you it shouldn't cause more questions than answers. While I'm flattered I'm also FREAKING OUT.

I don't want to hurt him. Lord help me.

... to be continued.

'Don't Let Go' reminds me of Lawrence (*sigh*)... I heart him

I love music so every song takes me back to an event, a moment, a dream, a poem, a story... Music is my life's story if you will. So this is just a snippet of the many songs that hold memories for me. For most songs I remember the first time I heard it, where I was and how I was feeling. So you see it runs deep. Picking 3 was hard but these are a few artists you should def checkout if you haven't already.

Don't Let Go by En Vogue
Besides just loving this song period. I remember this song because I love to write, have a vivid imagination and back in jr high when I wanted to be a playwright on Broadway this was one of the songs that would have been in the play. The play was about one of my crushes who I felt just needed to move our relationship to the next level and lose control (with me of course). It was to be this dance number I choreographed. I mean I had it all done (in my head of course) maybe it will one day happen. Who knows but every time I hear this song I think of my crush who was so fine and I wanted him to be mine. *sigh* It gives me the warm tinglies. Lol.

Float by Anthony Hamilton
Once again, I love this song just because. And Anthony Hamilton is my man. His voice melts me. You have to listen to it a couple of times before you get the full meaning of the song. Its sexy and sensual and it takes me back to about 4 years ago. I sent the song to a guy I was seeing at the time. I told him to listen carefully and maybe we can "float" together. Needless to say he loved it and I loved that he loved it and ... yeah that's all I'm going to reveal about that at this time. (I don't want to kiss and tell) This song... ooh... excuse me while I daydream.

Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
This one takes me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to my kindergarten graduation. This was the song we sang. It's so true that the greatest love we could ever find is inside of us. That was such a great achievement in my then young life and as I've gotten older I've learned that children really are the future and we have to love and nurture them. I know that I had a lot of that growing up and I thank God I did or I wouldn't be who I am today. Plus, I totally love Miss. Whitney and thats probably the first time I ever heard of her. Thus started a long love affair with good music. I can't wait for her comeback.

I Laid It All Out There

So a couple of weeks ago I finally finish "Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey. Its a good read. Although it tells you all the things you know to be true and don't want to hear its something I needed to read and let permeate and sit.

I say this to say that I realized that I need to let these guys I've been talking to know up front what I'm about and what I won't compromise on. I don't want to waste their time or mine. Like I've said in the past, my goal is to get to out of Singleville and into Marrywood. In order to do that I have to find a guy that fits who am and what I want and not be holding on to something I know just won't work out.

I'm the type of woman who in the past has just gone with the flow and not really said anything when I was unhappy with a situation. I was always afraid the guy would dump me. Well that strategy wasn't working out cuz I would get dumped anyway. So I think I'll try a new strategy. Its called be myself.

If my friends piss me off, they know. Why should I pretend to not be mad at a guy I'm dating if I am mad? Hey, I am who I am and a guy that I potentially want to spend the rest of my life with needs to know that. What's the point in hiding it right?

So after reading the book I got inspired. I sent out a text to a new prospect (I'll introduce him later) telling him who Lady Dee is and I sent an email to Mr. E letting him know what's up.

If you don't know who Mr. E is read Myster E. He happens to still be a mystery to me but I decided that I don't want the mystery that surrounds our relationship to be there any longer. I like to know where I stand with people. I like labels. Some people don't but I do. It helps me know my place and my role in the lives of the people around me. I'm a co-worker, daughter, sister, youth leader, friend, etc. I hold many titles and they define the relationships I have with those people.

He refuses to give us definition. Its almost as if he's afraid to. I have asked in the past and then let it go but this time I ain't backing down and either he gives us definition or I'll slap the friend label on him and that will be that.

This ambiguity that we have opens the door for too much misunderstanding. What happens if he finds out I've been dating during the year I've known him? Does he have the right to be pissed? No. But could he be? Yes. I'd rather avoid all that madness and mayhem. I don't need it, I don't want it.

But anyway, I sent him an email basically summarizing my short term and long term goals and asking where he sees this going and if his goals match with mine. While I will admit it was a long email (when I write I get long winded as y'all probably can tell) I had to put it all out there.

Did I do the right thing?

I'm tired of sitting back and not standing up for myself. I do think I've waited long enough for an answer to this question and if he doesn't give it I can move on with my conscience clear right?

Best case scenario I get the man I want. Worst case scenario I end up with a really good friend. The odds won't always like that that now I know that I can't be a passive player in this. I have to make it known who I am, what I want, and let them decide if their down. Otherwise it will be a waste of time and I'll end frustrated and me frustrated is not fun for anyone. Lol.

Well I sent this last Friday night. He has til not Saturday to respond or he will be put in the friendship box. And this time this single girl is sticking to her guns.

Oh Singleville... Mr. E what am I gonna do with you?

... to be continued

She's Gone!

She's gone. My sister has landed in Texas safely. Thank God. Was up at 5 this morning to see her off at the airport. Sitting in the car with my eyes all shut holding her pillows. Helping her unload her stuff. But my sister is in Texas. : (


Me and my sister have this amazing relationship. Yeah we get on each others nerves sometimes but we thick as thieves and if you mess with one you mess with both, ya heard. Lol. Anyway, we had never been apart from each other until she went away to college 4 years ago. (She graduated this passed May. So proud.) I mean we went to the same daycare, preschool, private school, and high school. People used to think we were twins. (Not now but back in the day)


So when she graduated and came back home we thought she'd be back to stay. Nope. She's an active person and her job as a house sitter (unemployed) wasn't gonna work for her so she applied to this teen missions school in Texas. Texas! Now there is nothing wrong with Texas but it is soooooooooooooo far from the NY.

When she went away to school yeah it was hard but her school was in the Bronx. She was only a bus and 2 trains ride away. Now she's a plane ride away. $4.00 roundtrip (Back then. Dag on MTA raising the fare.) is a lot cheaper than a $100 or more plane ride. : (

Thankfully she'll only be gone for a year but how will I survive Singleville without her? She's been there through all the antics, foolishness, joys, laughs... everything. The person to give me kick in my pants advice. Bust a gut laughing over a situation that almost pushed me too far. I know I can call but its not the same. Her facial expressions are the icing on the cake.


*sigh* I know I sound selfish. The truth is I'm gonna miss her. I miss her already but I know that she has to follow the journey God has set before her just like I do. Lord, can't they run a little closer together?

Well, I will survive. The year will be finished before I know it and she'll be back. Until then I'll miss her something awful. : (

... to be continued

Thinking Like a Man

Now if you've known me since my private school days (shout out to FCS) you'd know I was a tomboy. I clean up nice don't I? Lol. Anyhoo, I spent a lot of my time back then trying to be one of the guys. I was always competing with them. I wanted to be the best girl at every sport so that the boys would want to pick me for their team. I used to watch sports like nobodies business. Could name all the teams in the NFL and the NBA and most in the MLB. (Not now unfortunately. Teams be moving and I don't have the time to commit them all to memory.) And ESPN was (still is) my favorite channel. Sports Center. Yes sir.

Guys have always seemed comfortable around me. 1. I was quiet, didn't ask many questions. 2. I knew sports so I could easily add my 2 cents when I felt like it. 3. I wasn't trying to be thier girlfriend. (In the beginning anyway) In return I observed and listened. And for better or worse somethings rubbed off and stuck.

So here are the top 5 ways I think like a man

1. Don't interupt me while my game is on. During football season unless you want your head chopped off don't interupt me while I watch the game, highlights, and Mike'd Up with Mike Francessa. Now if you want to join me while I watch cool but don't talk to me about anything other than the game, don't touch the remote, and don't ask me to do nothing. I'm with the guys on this one.
2. I can understand the being with someone just to get yours with no emotions involved. Right now I can identify at least 3 guys I could call on the phone right now and be like I'll be at your house in 5 be ready for me. No strings, no attachments just take care of me and then I'm out and back home feeling satisfied. I do not exercise that power because I know how it feels to be used and I don't want to do that to anyone. But if my moral compass was pointed more to the south there would be a lot of brokenhearted dudes in my wake. Cuz I know I'd be able to walk away without even batting an eye. (Even as I typed that it sounded horrible. Even more reason for me not to do it)
   
3. I get playing the game just to see if you could bag. Lots of women get pissed off when a guy talks them up all night, seems to make a great connection with them, they give the guy their number and he never calls. Well I get why they do it cuz I've done it. I'm guilty. Its a thrill. You just want to see if you can get them hooked. Can you pull there attention? Can you hold there attention? Is it right? No. But its part of the game. I've definitely toned this down because my goals and objectives have changed but every now and then its a huge ego boost when I can get that guy I'd never talk to on the regular to be interested. (You know the really fine one that you know isn't what you need but defintely what you want.)
4. Checking out of a conversation. I'm the type of person who wants to solve an issue. And I'm willing to listen. After I come up with the solution I'm tired of hearing about the same blasted problem. I'm finding that when I'm conversing with a guy he carries the conversation most of the time and I'm sitting there saying, "Yeah", "Uh huh", "Oh ok". Now usually girls complain that guys don't listen. I can understand why. Some of the things I've heard, some of the marathon call sessions I've been apart of. It sometimes is all too much. So I get the checking out of the conversation. You just trying to keep your sanity.
5. Openingly oogling (checking out) someone. While it makes me self-concious as all get out when this happens to me I am guilty of doing this exact thing. When I see something I like I stare at it. Complete with the lip lick, undressing with the eyes, and looking you up and down. I'm bad. But I get it. Not saying that its appropiate but I get it. I think men are gorgeous and sometimes I don't want to help myself. I just gotta look and appreciate him and wish I had him.
   

And the bonus: Being closed off. Many women want there man to be an open book. Sit down and talk about feelings and share. I'm not the sharing type of girl. The extent of the info I give are things the guys could/would find out on his own. While I probably know more about some of the guys I've dated than their parents they know next to nil about me. Why? Cuz I'm not one to volunteer information like that. I keep my personal biz close to the body. I'm with the guys on this one.

So whats the problem? Thinking like a guy is turning me into... well... a guy. Sure I've got all these great curves, awesome legs, and an amazing sense of fashion but this mindset is gonna get me in trouble. When a guy approahes me now its like game on. I've already decided before he gets to me if he's a friend, I'd sleep with him (if I didn't abstain of course), or if he's dateable. And I find that I'm stepping back emotional. It just doesn't seem natural to me. The roles seem reversed in a way. Do ya'll feel me or am I just special?

I guess that's why I'm still in Singleville.

... to be continued.

Dirt On They Shoe

I like to observe relationships (probably cuz I'm not in one). But I observe relationships to see how they tick and see the traits I want and I don't want in one when I am in one. So this relationship is one that I don't want to model. The title could probably tell you that.

Ok, so I've known this guy since we was little kids. We're about a year apart. Our moms are real tight. Used to hang with his sister. I've met a lot of his family. Yada, yada, yada. Me and him go way back. We'll call him Bamma cuz this dude got a booty on him, boy. Now I'm a girl who likes a nice, juicy... ok I was about to tell on myself. So I'll just say he working with a lot in the back and I'll leave it at that. Now back in the day I believe pretty strongly (he may dispute me on this) that he was feeling me. But at the time I was young, in junior high, and I was heavily into sports and thought boys were dumb. (Still into sports but my perception of the fellas has changed ;) ) Well, I think I hurt his feelings a little bit (ok, I know I hurt his feelings but c'mon I was young and dumb and this ain't the point of the story so I'm moving on.) Now as I got older, I will admit (begrudgingly) that I started feeling him (I mean he got fine on me all of a sudden) but I'm so over that now. I mean he's a good looking guy; gorgeous eyes, athletic, I already talked about the booty but... I don't just measure people by their outer appearence but their inner self and as the story continues you'll understand why I am no longer feeling him.

So he has been dating this girl for what has to be 5 years if my calculations are correct. Now I've heard about this girl, I've known about this girl (from his sister), I've seen this girl, I've even been in the same room with this girl with him standing right there and said hi to him but hadn't been introduced to her until recently. Ok, so that may not be that strange but it gets better (or maybe I should say worse). He has disrespected her so many times its unbelievable. At one point I knew more of his extended family then she did (he didn't introduce her to them until like 3 years in.) He has ignored her, let his sister disrespect her to her face, and in one case that I observed literally boxed her out of a conversation. I mean physically boxed her out like this was a baaketball game. I was outraged for her.

Now I respect her devotion to him but for me 5 years and no ring? No mention of marriage? Being disrespected to my face and treating me like you ashamed of me? You don't even introduce me to people you've known almost your whole life? "Not I", said the cat. "Not I." I woulda dumped his trifling tail such a loooooooooooooong time ago. Plus, homeboy was gone for a year at college without her. Only God knows what he was doing while she wasn't there. I mean he is fine and if he was treating her like dirt up here I doubt he would have any qualms about playing the field. (We woulda had a conversation about our relationship before he left cuz if he not thinking long term deuces. You do your thing I do mine. Its all good.)

After seeing all this I thought to myself, "Thank God I dodged a bullet because if he had disrespected me like that, ooh Lawd, I'd kill'em dead." Ok not exactly dead but I'd consider it. Lol. I mean he even treats me rudely at times (I never said we were friends). I let that roll off cuz I'm too blessed to be worried about his stupidness. You want to ignore me? Go on right ahead. My value is not found in you. You can pretend I don't exist and I can pretend you don't exist.

Why do I care so much? Cuz it hurts me that this girl lets him treat her like this. Everytime I see her I want to go over to her and give her a hug and say, "Girl, I'm here for you." Of course I can't do that. She'd look at me like I was crazy. But it causes me to ask, "Why do women, beautiful, bright, intelligent women allow men to treat them like the Dirt on they Shoe?"

I mean, honestly she could find a man who could treat her way better. What pisses me off is he knows better. His mother even corrected him the day that we were standing in the same room and he didn't introduce us. I'm not invisible. She's not invisible. Where are your manners?! (His mom ended up introducing us.) I mean let some guy try and treat his sister this way, he'd be ready to kill him. So why would you do this to someone else?

Frankly, if this was me, and it wouldn't be, but if this was me, the first time I was disrespected we woulda had a talk. The first time his sister got in my face it woulda got deaded right there. (Trust me, she has tried me before in the past and I had to squash that mess; fast, quick and in a hurry or one of us would not be here to tell the story) And if he didn't introduce me I woulda introduced myself.

This is my thing, if you ashamed to be with me that's on you but I'm not ashamed of who I am at all. And I woulda walked. Relationship done. I'd be gone, watch me sashay myself away from you, head held high cuz I don't need this BS. Puh-lease.

Where I see this ending up if they don't get married (or at the VERY least engaged) in the next year is that he will string her along and then some other woman (who is like his mother) who will put him in his place will saunter in. He'll dump old girl here because he don't won't need her anymore and he will marry this new one within a year. Two tops. I've seen it before. So she will have wasted all that time with him and what will she have gotten? Used and Abused.

Do I wish this for her? Not at all. But I don't wish for her to marry him either. I wish she would see enough value in herself to get up and walk away. In the long run her self-esteem will skyroocket with that decision. He's treating her like dirt. And I wish I could tell her but as my mom tells me, that's not my place.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around, "Why do women let men treat them like dirt on they shoe?" I don't understand it and while at times I have let guys walk over me a bit, I find now that I'm in the driver seat a lot more. If you don't like me. Fine. You don't call. That's cool but don't expect me to jump when you say jump. Ladies we need to find worth in ourselves because we are the prize. Don't ever forget that.

Men PLEASE step up! We waiting on ya'll.

... to be continued.

TMI

I have found that guys like to talk. A LOT. They say that they don't. That women will talk your ear off but trust me, if you give a guy a comforting smile and a willing ear he will tell you his whole life story. And I've heard a lot of life stories. But how much info is too much info to share.

I've heard about baby mommas, ex-girlfriend cheated with another girl, almost got engaged, parents moved away without me, my moms kicked me out, I was engaged, my pops and I don't get along, my girlfriend used to beat me up. I mean and the list goes on. Its like I'm these guys therapist. Lol.

While I don't mind listening (you find out a lot about who someone is when you listen) some of these things were told to after I had just met them. I must come off as really trust worth. But some of these thing I feel a girl should be eased into. I'm all for disclosure but are you trying to keep me interested or are you trying to scare me away?

To be honest some of the things I've heard give me a complex about the guy. It also causes me to watch what I say and do around them. I mean, really, if he telling me all of this what will he tell someone else about me?

I get that everyone has baggage. I have baggage too, but I don't share it just like that. I have to feel like the relationship is going some where before I put myself out there. Now I'm not talking about telling people about your favorite color or food, that you like to play football or that you think Rihanna is hot, but dropping that the reason your last relationship didn't work is because you caught your girlfriend having a menage a trois with your best friend and his cousin Pookie into first date conversation is not the thing to do.

So I guess the question is, how much of yourself should you reveal when getting to know someone new? How much information is too much information? Should you reveal things in stages? Are there just some things you should never reveal?

I'm telling, you talking to some of these guys I feel like a psychiatrist. I just can't prescribe medication (I really don't have a license to practice either. *shrugs*) lol. Are guys looking for a psychiatrist or a girlfriend? Yeah I can listen but don't expect me to be your ride or die chick and I've known you all of 8 mins. Be realistic. And this goes for girls too.

Sometimes people share too much. I think in some cases I've heard too much which kills the love connection. So how much is too much?

Guys say we women talk a lot. They ain't got nothing on us. Lol.

... to be continued.

Quirkiness

I think my quirkiness shoots me in the foot sometimes. I am funny, but its that sarcastic, have to see my facial expression, situational kind of funny. So sometimes when I'm IMing, my replies can come off like I'm pissed. Which I'm not. Now for me to tell a straight up joke, nope can't do it, but I can drop down the irony and satire like nobodies bidness! lol.

While those who know me take it for what it is many guys just don't get my sense of humor. I can crack my family up with some of the quipps I be dropping but they know I'm joking and that its just a part of my personality. But this doesn't bode well for me relationship wise. Many guys take the jokes too seriously or can't handle me joking back with them. While sarcasm can make you come off as a bish, that's never my intention. Sometimes I have to make light of certain things otherwise they would break my heart.

I'm quirky. I always have been. I'm different, an outside the box type of girl. I don't really conform to the things that this world says is hot. I tried it once and didn't like it. I'd rather be misunderstood for being who I am and satisfied with myself then be a clone of what's popular and hate it. (But that's just me.) Not many people get that. So here are a list of some of the things that probably explain why I'm still single.

1. My Sarcasm
2. My "I don't care how I look today and if you do, go somewhere with yourself" attitude
3. My mean mugging stare (My mom and sis like to say I scare guys when I'm walking down the street, but its a defense mechanism because of some of the guys that have tired to talk to me. Some of them needed to get mean mugged. I actually didn't even know I did this till recently)
4. My Old Skool tastes (I like classic clothes, music. Soulful stuff. Old skool ideals. I was born in the wrong era I swear.)
5. My mothering nature
6. My "wiser than my years" personality (I seem to always be the youngest on my job, at leadership conferences, etc so I've learned somethings from the older folks I seem to always be around. While this helps in a lot of ways, one way it doesn't help is in getting a date.)
7. Being a homebody (People don't understand it but I spend most of my time out, at work or at church and what ever else I do at that time so when I get to be home and let my hair down, I enjoy it.)
8. My cynicism (Not much surprises me anymore and things that outrage people don't outrage me because I know how jacked up people can be. So why be surprised at the stupid messed up things they do? So I come off as a cynic. I say I'm a realist. *shrugs*)
9. My "I can have just as good a time by myself or in a group" mojo (I don't need people to have around me to have a good time and sometimes I like being by myself. Why is this detrimental to relationships? Because (and guys will say this is not true) when you in a relationship the dude wants to be all up under you, at least that's my experience. "Can I come over?, want to go out tonight?, baby what you doing?" There is such a thing as too much togetherness. I'm the type of person who can be in a crowded room and be in her own world. Sometimes I need space. Everyone doesn't get that.)
   
   And rounding out the top 10 things that make up my quirkiness...
10. My use of big words (You probably looking at me like, What? But I love words and I think in these big words that a lot of dudes don't know the meaning of. My sister likes to tell me I like to use my big dictionary words. But the underlying issue here is education. I want a guy on my level but many dudes nowadays don't complete college. I'm not saying that is a requirement to date me. My dad didn't finish college and he's one of the smartest people I know. But he's educated and that's what's lacking sometimes. I want an educated due. I hate the blank stare I get when I'm flowing and I realize I lost them with a word I used or when I can't even broach a discussion on a current events issue because I know they probably won't know what I'm talking about.

So... yeah. I have a lot of great qualities but my quirkiness is one of those obstacles that is keeping me in Singleville that much longer. Are the things on this list that terrible?

Would I change me? Absolutely not. I like who I am and I hadn't been able to say that in earlier times in my life. This just means that there is some special guy out there who is looking for a 5'4 woman, who likes old skool music, has a cooky sense of humor, uses big words, loves God and love to eat! He's out there. God's grooming him for me.

Mr. E...*sigh*

...to be continued

Young Bucks on the Come Up

Ok so this came to me out of a IM I got last night. I've talked about the phenomena of the young buck (see Is Young the New Black?) before but it just occurred to me that I've had a few pursue me.

Last night a guy that I had talked to briefly (and when I say briefly I mean briefly, maybe a month, maybe) hit me up trying to rekindle something. While at first I couldn't remember much (I had talked to him like 4 months ago) it slowly came back including how old he was (he's 21). I also remembered that he and his friend had both tired to talk to me simultaneously (see The Last 2 Weeks). That in and of itself was high school games. But I entertained him. So we talking and he's trying to exercise some swag (which was actually pretty good). He tells me he's not in school and not working but has an interview to work at JFK coming up. (Side Note: Does everybody form the NY work at JFK nowadays? Everytime I've asked a guy lately where he works he say JFK. Just wondering.) So I think to myself, not in school, I'm a college graduate. No job, I currently work full-time as an accountant. How is this gonna work? But he's persistant. Wants us to hang out. So I tell him pump your breaks let me see a pic of you. Pic comes. Why does he look 17, 18 at best. That is the end of the discussion. What do you have to offer me? Now this is not the first time this has happened.

Poetry (his writing skills are on point) is a 20 year old who pursued me hard. I met him about a year ago. I love a man who can flow. In our first IM convo he told me he wanted to write a poem with me. Every response I wrote he wrote a counter poetic response. It was hot. It was original and definitely sparked my interest. After that he would send me poems thru email. Alll of them deep, heartfelt, and just plain awesome. Before I know it (like 3 convos in) dude is asking me to be his girlfriend. Whoa! Sure I was feeling his vibe but man, we just getting to know each other. He talking "I can be everything you need in a man. I want to give you everything mentally emotionally and physically." I asked why, cuz dude barely knew me at that point. Plus he was a full time student. I was still in school and working. So what, we were to live on love a lone? He told me because I had been hurt before and I deserved better. (Now I had been hurt but really?) This threw me for a loop. This just didn't sit right with me so I threw him the friend card and he stopped hitting me up. So recently he hit me up again with this same deal. But this time more intense. (In like the first IM convo he asked me to be his girl). Now I'm all for being bold but this don't make sense to me. So I say to him I don't usually date guys younger than me, send me your picture. Pic comes. He looks 16! I'm like, this is definitely not going to work. So I had to throw him the friend card again. At least he saw it coming but he wanted me to say yes I yours and thats not me. I weigh the pros and cons first. I do miss the poems though. Lol.

Finally, there is Skittles. (He is a candy fiend.) I've know him for at least 4 or 5 years. And he has had a crush on me since he was 15. But get this he is 5 years younger than me. (Yes, 5) He has been telling me since then that we're gonna get married and have kids. The whole nine. Now at first I thought it was funny and cute. Until I realized he was dead serious. Everytime he sees me he tells me, "You know I love you right?" Its so bad that every time my friends see him they tell me my husband is coming to see me. (No joke.) And boy is bold. Trying to steal kisses, if I'm not home when he stops by the house he gets upset, he even gets pissed if I have a boyfriend. So when he turned 16 he says, "When are we gonna get together?" I am 21 at this time. Do I hear statutory? So I tell him when he turns 18, graduates from high school, and comes to church. So when he turned 18 last year, back he came with the same question. He had the first, was working on the second (He graduated this past June. So proud!), and we won't talk about the third. This time I told him when he gets a job. I'm sure once he does that he'll be back. While he does look young, he is super attractive. Chocolate skin, athletic build, gorgeous smile but mad young. *Sigh*. If he were older I'd get with him in a heartbeat (Don't tell him that cuz then he'd never leave me alone) but as I said before, what we gonna live on, love a lone? Thats not me. Pros and cons. Love doesn't pay bills.

Why do I say all this. Because these young bucks are aggressive nowadays. They make it plain and they be bold. They older counterparts on the other hand, I've found, play way too many games. (Not all but a lot of them.) They also seem to be more into their careers. A lot of these young come ups through are sexy as hell and can get a girl in trouble. (Watching any college game now makes me feel dirty when I oogle the players cuz I know I'm older than almost all of them).

Now I'm not old, I'm 23, but I've been working for almost 10 years now so when a guy says to you I gotta get my money together and then we can go out and the date is to Starbucks (this has happened) there is a problem. We all know that they money is coming from the allowance they parents give them. Lol. Now I could wait for them to grow up and get older but then that means I'd be older too. (Skittles likes to mock me with this saying, "By the time we get married you'll be old." Ha ha.) But even if I wait for them to get older in age that doesn't make them mentally and emotional older. Dilemma.

I'm an old soul. I love old school music, poetry, history and discussing world events. (I know this makes me sound boring but really... oh who am I kidding I am a little boring but I'm ok with that. Lol.) Not much in common with a young buck at all. I mean I usually have very little in common with guys my own age. This probably explains my love and appreciation of older men. I mean just today me and my sis where talking about Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown and the little boy she babysits asked, "Who is Bobby Brown?" Ouch. I felt so sad.

The thing is I'm trying to get to marrywood. And while it may take a few years to get there I can't imagine waiting a few years for a young buck to get older then wait a couple more years for them to want to get married. I'm looking for a man who has a job (with benefits, lol), appreciates good music and can hold a decent conversation without too many "yo mas" and "you know what I'm sayings" in there. These young bucks are just a tease. Could I get a man with the cahones of some of these guys? You know a guy I can't get arrested for dating or I can at least take to a place that serves alcohol. Lol. To my older gentlemen, be a little aggressive, show some boldness (an not just about wanting to sex me up) and put yourself out there.

This single girl is waiting for the right man to step up. I know he's out there.

Mr. E...

...to be continued.

Updates

"What's going on?

(echo) What's going on?
Tell me, what's going on?
(echo) What's going on?"

Love that song. Who sings it?

Anyway, just thought I'd update you on the happenings in Singleville.

J is just about scrapped. The other day he text me asking when we gonna hang out. Ok cool. Then he says that if we make plans in advance I can't cancel. WTF?! So I guess I won't make plans in advance with you. Guys, don't try to exercise swagger you know you don't possess.

Trig is still in NC, still waiting for his court date and still hitting me up. (Isn't it funny that when he had access to me you always wanted me to hit him up. Now that dude is stuck he hitting me up all of a sudden. Hmmm. Makes you wonder.) Update done cuz anything romantic that could have been ended when he decided to get arrested. Next.

T-bear has run his course. After you break two dates with me without explanation or an "oh, my bad" you are done in my book. Breaking dates I understand (cuz then that would be me calling the kettle black) but for BS reasons or no reason at all... Sorry boo. But its cool cuz I wasn't really feeling him anyway.

Spike is, as I said, in the dog house. Ok so you read in Friday Night in the Village that I said he was there. But its not because he didn't pick up his phone. I was a little pissed at that, trust me, but it was the next day when he hit me up that got him chained there. See I still had a good time even though we didn't meet up but then you tell me "Why didn't you call." I did. "When it goes straight to voicemail it doesn't register as a missed call. Why didn't you leave a message?" I just didn't think about it at the time. "Well, you should of been more dilligent in trying to get in contact with me." Wait. Hold up. That statement right there is what got him chained to the dog house. More dilligent? Dude, c'mon now. I am not in school no more and you are not a class I need to pass. That's when I'm dilligent. If you wanted me there so bad why didn't you call me? *Crickets* Exactly my point. "I didn't have service." But you were checking your phone all night. Don't throw salt into the wind baby. It'll fly right back in your face. After that my perspective of him changed.

Mr. Smith. My poor baby just been going through some things. In one weekend his apartment had to get fumigated because he got bed bugs, his car got towed, and then after he got it out of impound it stalled out on him. Now, does it make me a bad person that the first thing I thought when he told me this story was "Oh, Lord I hope I didn't bring none of them suckas home wit me." I mean I feel bad for real cuz I care about him and the situation is jacked up but I really hope that none of them things took a ride home wit me. I mean I had been in his apartment before. That would be disastrous. (I shudder just thinking about it.)

Mr. Wall Street almost got cut from the team. But I'm into giving people second chances. The other day he walked me to the train station on my way home from work. (Nice). Invited me to his birthday party. (Really nice). And even offered to pay for me to get on the train. (Super nice.) I know what ya'll thinking, the paying for the train is super nice, gurl puh-lease. However, the train fare just jumped $0.25. Saving me a swipe gets you a pat on the back. Lol. Well he friend requested me on myspace which was cool. And then I looked at some of (ok all) of the pics he had posted. Looks can be deceiving boy. Cuz he looks really clean cut but in them pics he looks like he know how to get down wit the get down. And I'm not really a party girl. I thought Lord have mercy I don't know if I can keep up with him. (He told me my page was conservative and family oriented. I think there's a clash here.) But we'll see.

Now there's a new guy trying to make his way on the scene. He doesn't get a name yet cuz I don't know if anything will come of it yet cuz he kinda gets on my nerves. Its never a good idea to talk condescendingly to a girl you say you feeling. He done rubbed me the wrong way already so he gonna have to have some crazy swagger to keep me interested. We supposed to hang today. As of right now he's a fail.

City (see City: the OG) he's not new to me but new to you. I met him a few years ago by chance. He was fine then and he's fine now. He's that delicious piece of chocolate you know you shouldn't eat because it will go straight to your thighs but you are soooooooooo tempted just to take a little bite. The problem is, you never stop after the little bite. I saw him once again by chance and I almost melted. Lord forgive me. I knew I shouldn't have reached out to him again (we've been out of contact for a while) but I did (see, that little bite) and now he wants me to come see him. Knowing what happened the last time I saw him my brain is screaming ABSOLUTELY NOT! Well my body and mind need to get on the same page cuz I'm starting to contemplate going to see him. (That would be me not not stopping after one bite) And with him I probably won't stop after two either.

And finally Mr. E *sigh* When you wake up most mornings to a dream of you sexing him I think you got it bad. Would you agree? And it's not that rough, lusty stuff neither. It's that gentle, sensual, looks deep in your eyes as you cum together, next level lovemaking. (Whew. I need to fan myself) If he don't work it out that I get to see his sexy self I might just go crazy.

And Marvin Gaye sings, What's going On? Oooh I just love Marvin.


...to be continued

Why do I Abstain?

That is a good question because even I wonder why I do sometimes. (And then I turn on the news and I remember why. Lol) And men seem to be intrigued by it, mostly because they want to see if they can get me to change my mind. (Fellas only I can change my mind)

But other than the promise I made to God for purity (which I fail at miserably a lot of times, you should see some of my fantasies) I have two main reasons why I abstain.


1) I believe that sex is truly for marriage. People give me the side eye when I say this but its true. I could bust out some Bible verses on you about this matter but instead I give it to you this way. When you unite together during sex your bodies, your souls join together. I don't want to join with too many people in that way because along with the joining come memories and comparisons. As a married couple you become one (not literally but spiritually) and that's a connection that you share with no other person. When I join with my husband the first time I want it to be just me and him. Not me and him and his ex-girlfriend and my ex-boyfriend and my ex's ex's ex-boyfriend pookie.

2) I'll become addicted. Most people think that because I abstain I don't think about sex. That couldn't be the furthest thing from the truth. I think that I think about sex more than most woman. I'm a freak (point blank) and I know that if I do it just once I'll be like an addict looking for a fix. Real talk. People think that I'm innocent and in some ways I am but if they only knew... Mr. Smith even said to me, "Once you get some you'd probably be addicted." He never spoke truer words. Because of this and knowing myself I need to keep myself locked down. If I'm unleashed...watch out. Lol.

So these are the reasons I abstain. Love it or hate it. And my husband will be a very luck man. *wink*

...to be continued.