Is Young the New Black?

Last weekend I was at my sister's school for a visit and it so happened that the NFL Draft was last weekend also. So on TV and all around me were single men all younger than me. When you start to feel old at 23 there is something seriously wrong. What also is seriously wrong is how guys 20 and younger can look like grown men. What are their parents feeding them? Whatever it is they need to stop. I say this after finding myself attracted to a high school senior who looked more like a college senior. I had to pick my mouth up off the fall and try (not really hard) to show my disappointment. When I think that he was 13 when I was 18 was uber disturbing to say the least.

Here's the dilemma (besides feeling like a pedophile) I don't date guys younger than me. I never have. Its hard enough to find something you have in common with a guy your own age. With someone younger, I figure it would be next to impossible. How can you discuss the origins of the Pythagorean theorem with someone who is just learning it (not that I actually talk about that but its good to have the option)? Yet, as I watched the draft and all the fine men who were selected this year (Aaron Curry and Michael Crabtree who both have amazing looks and skills) I wonder is the dating pool getting younger?

You can no longer go by looks because they all look old. The problem is that I have very old school taste (love the fashion of the 70s, listen to the Temptations, Roberta Flack, young Whitney and Luther) and the new school doesn't really hold appeal except that they are quite good looking. I'm more drawn to the old school. Which gets me looks from my friends but there is just something about a mature man. Guys my age? Most are lost, not working, haven't finished school, living off they momma. Or maybe that's just the ones I've dated. They no longer hold appeal I guess.

So I feel stuck. I'm 23. Too old to be dating someone almost the same age as my brother and too young (for some) to date the older men I also find quite attractive. Most of them are married anyway. (Just so you know I DON'T date married men) So what are my options? Do I move into the uncharted waters of the younger man? The world of fun and no commitments and raging hormones. The danger: are they ready for what I want? I'm on the fence. Maybe its just better to sit on my perch and admire from afar.

Luckily (or unluckily) where I'm from there aren't many temptations. (I still curse myself that I didn't go to school down south and get me a fine dark skin brother). I'm known as Grandma to most in my world. What young buck wants to date a Grandma?

Black is still the finest accessory to wear and it looks good wit everything. Are younger men now that new show piece? That goes with everything and is stacked with unharness potential and masculine energy? (Sigh)

Yet, Mr. E is still foremost in my mind at this present time. He's in the older man category and he scratches my mental stimulation itch that most young men don't know how to begin to touch. But idle hands as they say and before too long I'm gonna want to touch. My fingers are starting to itch. What is a single girl to do?

My favorite color is black.

What do you think?

...to be continued

London Bridges Falling Down

At 91 with throat cancer you would think that you would be out for the count, lying in your bed, letting people wait on you hand and foot. Obviously, you haven't met Cyril Herron. My grandfather is one of the most independent people I know. He wants to get up and walk around, and do this a do that like he is still 90 or something. Well this past weekend he and his stubborn self got up to do it himself, which comes as no surprise (when he was in the hospital he was MIA because he decided he wanted to go for a walk).

What is surprising is that he fell. Now if he was a spring chicken this would be no big deal but he's not. (Hence the title of this blog.) And the reason for concern. We all know he's not gonna take this lying down.

It just goes to show that God can make a lesson out of anything. How many times have I fallen? Tons. I'm not a young spring chicken in my faith (I've been a believer for 16 years). With each new fall it gets harder to get up from.

My little cousin is who found because even though nobody thinks she's listen she always is. Just like God is and before you know it help is coming.

When haven't we all felt frail and still wanted to show we could do it? When haven't we fallen? But I want to be like my grandpa. Although he fell (he's alright thank God) I know his spirit isn't broken and I know that he will try to get up and forge ahead again on his own.

The next time I fall I want to be able to get back up and try again. I don't want my spirit to be broken or to stop in fear from doing something great. My grandfather has taught me that life will try to knock you down but that doesn't mean you don't fight with everything you have left.
He's fighting, everyday, and we know that he won't necessarily get "well" again but his spirit, his heart, his pride that will never leave him.

Is my spirit, is my heart that strong? Does my pride in who I am in Christ trump all that life throws? With all the falls come new experiences, new challenges, new nuggets of wisdom. Will I have the courage to get up and forge on?

If God is always there ready to pick me back up, why not?

Didn't mean to be preachy, I'm just writing what's on my heart. I really appreciate your prayers.

I'll keep you posted.

Its been a year

First I must apologize for my lack of blog activity. Life has been a very chaotic affair recently. I'm just now coming up for air.

Its been a year since Mr. E and I have met and still I get no face time. I hate to say it but I can deny it no longer. I'm getting a little pissed. I've really been patient but when does patience run out and you either lose it or just give up? I'm not into the losing it part but I don't want to give up either.

But seriously, a year?! (Give or take 5 days, but whose counting). Me! I'm starting to go crazy not that I wasn't there already but I just can't seem to have a normal relationship with a man and its frustrating the heck out of me. Could I be unconsciously sabotaging myself by allowing myself to choose guys who are either emotionally or in Mr. E's case physically unavailable?

What's crazy is I've finally found a man who is emotionally involved but I can't for the life of me get a face to face sit down. If I could somehow find someone who has both... what? I'm finding that I am completely lost in more ways than one.

Sometimes I just want to scream because just when I think I've got my head above water something pulls me back under. The thing is I care and I could do what most women would do, use him for my emotional needs and get another guy to satisfy the physical but then I would be torn and besides I've been there just on the other side. I know how it feels to be used and I can't do that to another human being.

So that brings me back to, "Its been a year". 365 days where he and I could not coordinate a time that we both were free to meet. My thing is I would've made time but I feel like he has things in his life that are a lot more important to him than me and I'm beginning to realize that for me I need to be a priority in my man's life. It makes me wonder how much he really does care for me. While I don't think he's seeing another woman (I could be wrong) I can't help but ask myself if this goes farther do I want to be 2nd best to his job? I know the answer my brain is screaming and that gives me pause.

The question I face now is: What can I say to address how I'm feeling delicately? And depending on the response am I strong enough to let him go?

However, how do you let go of someone you possibly never had in the first place.

(shaking my head to clear the cobwebs) But I'm getting ahead of myself. I have to let him know what's going on wit me first, right? Lord give me strength cuz I'm a wimp and don't like to make waves.

This single girl is going where she hasn't gone before... scary!

Standards

Recently I've been reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I thought I knew men pretty well but now I know that I knew nothing really at all. Its making me re-think all the things that I know about men and relationships. I've come to realize that my toxic past relationships have partly been my fault because I was an enabler. I allowed them to happen. How many times have I told myself, "If he had been someone else I would never have tolerated what he put me through." Countless. And that's the problem. Where have my standards gone?

No where because I do have standards. But somehow everytime I'm in a relationship I let them go lax or totally throw them out the window. No wonder my heart is bleeding. Standards are supposed to protect you from those who aren't worthy of your time, yet we always let them slide because we're afraid they will leave. If they leave we don't really need them anyway, do we?

I'm tired of allowing myself to be disrespected, my feelings to be tossed to the wayside all because I hope that someone will love me. I need to love myself.

Because of this week's book reading I've begun to look at my relationship with Mr. E with new eyes. I'm doing it again. I know what I want in a mate and I make excuses and let him slide on things that irk the hell out of me because I'm scared he'll leave. Why is this my fault? Because I'm not telling him about the things I want and need from him. I sugar coat everything, tell him its ok so of course he will continue to do the things that irk me because he doesn't know they do. And last night after what has to be my umptenth attempt to coordinate a date with him, I have call him later to see if he's available (which I'm expecting he isn't) and if he is available I won't get too excited because I expect him to cancel on me at the last minute. How did I get here (I'm a punk. I should be able to tell him this. I need to tell him this)? Again?

I don't usually demand a lot from a man, I think that my jaded view of them contributes to this a lot. They somehow always let me down so I ask very little of them. But I do expect a lot from them. I ask to be respected, sought after, not left dangling for days and weeks. I want to know where the relationship is marked to go so I can plan according ly. I want to be a priority, I want to be wooed but not smothered, and I want to have the option to lean on you when I want and need to. But men aren't mind readers and unless I tell him what I feel and what I need how will he know? I can expect a lot but he will always fall short because I don't lay my cards on the table upfront.

I stand at the crossroads or singleness and marriage. If I don't change my behavior I realize that I will be walking the road of singleness the rest of my life. With one foot in singleville and the other wanting to go in the direction of marrywood every decision I make, starting today will lead me closer to that destination or will lead me further away from it. What stops me is...

FEAR.
Will I be brave enough to step out on the faith that I am good enough and deserve better?

That is the question of the hour and by the end of the day I will know the answer.

Living in Singleville is hard.

... to be continued.

The Unfairness of it All

My grandpa is still not doing well. My dad says that it getting harder and you just wonder why? My grandpa is the sweetest man you could know. Always willing to help. So loving, so active, so strong. And now... You wish that God would take him home. If anyone deserves it its him. You can never say that he wasn't a man of God. His life is a testament of his faith and commitment to the Kingdom. But God knows all and everything works for good for those who are the called according to His purpose. As a believer this is hard because you don't to see him suffer. But God knows how much he can bear and how much our family can bear. Although I wonder at the unfairness of it all I know God is good and that He knows what He's doing. I am so thankful for all the prayers for my family. The power of prayer is beyond words. It's something you have to witness to understand. No matter what happens, to God be the glory. Soon he won't be choking anymore and neither will I.

Choking

Grandpa update and it doesn't look good. The tumor on his throat is growing and it will continue to grow until it chokes him to death. It reminds me of how we allow things to choke the life from us. The rest of us is healthy but that doesn't matter. If one part is bad, thats enough to take life from you. I hope that the Lord releases him from this before the inevitable takes place. Just as I pray that the Lord releases me from what seems to be choking me now. Life is... As the burdens get poured on I look at my grandfather and see his faith and I think, if he can trust Him in the midst of this why can't I? When life is trying to choke the life out of me will I trust in the Giver of the life for the peace I so desperately want?

We will see on both accounts. We both want release. Will see how it happens.