Thursday, April 23, 2009

Its been a year

First I must apologize for my lack of blog activity. Life has been a very chaotic affair recently. I'm just now coming up for air.

Its been a year since Mr. E and I have met and still I get no face time. I hate to say it but I can deny it no longer. I'm getting a little pissed. I've really been patient but when does patience run out and you either lose it or just give up? I'm not into the losing it part but I don't want to give up either.

But seriously, a year?! (Give or take 5 days, but whose counting). Me! I'm starting to go crazy not that I wasn't there already but I just can't seem to have a normal relationship with a man and its frustrating the heck out of me. Could I be unconsciously sabotaging myself by allowing myself to choose guys who are either emotionally or in Mr. E's case physically unavailable?

What's crazy is I've finally found a man who is emotionally involved but I can't for the life of me get a face to face sit down. If I could somehow find someone who has both... what? I'm finding that I am completely lost in more ways than one.

Sometimes I just want to scream because just when I think I've got my head above water something pulls me back under. The thing is I care and I could do what most women would do, use him for my emotional needs and get another guy to satisfy the physical but then I would be torn and besides I've been there just on the other side. I know how it feels to be used and I can't do that to another human being.

So that brings me back to, "Its been a year". 365 days where he and I could not coordinate a time that we both were free to meet. My thing is I would've made time but I feel like he has things in his life that are a lot more important to him than me and I'm beginning to realize that for me I need to be a priority in my man's life. It makes me wonder how much he really does care for me. While I don't think he's seeing another woman (I could be wrong) I can't help but ask myself if this goes farther do I want to be 2nd best to his job? I know the answer my brain is screaming and that gives me pause.

The question I face now is: What can I say to address how I'm feeling delicately? And depending on the response am I strong enough to let him go?

However, how do you let go of someone you possibly never had in the first place.

(shaking my head to clear the cobwebs) But I'm getting ahead of myself. I have to let him know what's going on wit me first, right? Lord give me strength cuz I'm a wimp and don't like to make waves.

This single girl is going where she hasn't gone before... scary!


Post a Comment