Thursday, April 9, 2009


Recently I've been reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I thought I knew men pretty well but now I know that I knew nothing really at all. Its making me re-think all the things that I know about men and relationships. I've come to realize that my toxic past relationships have partly been my fault because I was an enabler. I allowed them to happen. How many times have I told myself, "If he had been someone else I would never have tolerated what he put me through." Countless. And that's the problem. Where have my standards gone?

No where because I do have standards. But somehow everytime I'm in a relationship I let them go lax or totally throw them out the window. No wonder my heart is bleeding. Standards are supposed to protect you from those who aren't worthy of your time, yet we always let them slide because we're afraid they will leave. If they leave we don't really need them anyway, do we?

I'm tired of allowing myself to be disrespected, my feelings to be tossed to the wayside all because I hope that someone will love me. I need to love myself.

Because of this week's book reading I've begun to look at my relationship with Mr. E with new eyes. I'm doing it again. I know what I want in a mate and I make excuses and let him slide on things that irk the hell out of me because I'm scared he'll leave. Why is this my fault? Because I'm not telling him about the things I want and need from him. I sugar coat everything, tell him its ok so of course he will continue to do the things that irk me because he doesn't know they do. And last night after what has to be my umptenth attempt to coordinate a date with him, I have call him later to see if he's available (which I'm expecting he isn't) and if he is available I won't get too excited because I expect him to cancel on me at the last minute. How did I get here (I'm a punk. I should be able to tell him this. I need to tell him this)? Again?

I don't usually demand a lot from a man, I think that my jaded view of them contributes to this a lot. They somehow always let me down so I ask very little of them. But I do expect a lot from them. I ask to be respected, sought after, not left dangling for days and weeks. I want to know where the relationship is marked to go so I can plan according ly. I want to be a priority, I want to be wooed but not smothered, and I want to have the option to lean on you when I want and need to. But men aren't mind readers and unless I tell him what I feel and what I need how will he know? I can expect a lot but he will always fall short because I don't lay my cards on the table upfront.

I stand at the crossroads or singleness and marriage. If I don't change my behavior I realize that I will be walking the road of singleness the rest of my life. With one foot in singleville and the other wanting to go in the direction of marrywood every decision I make, starting today will lead me closer to that destination or will lead me further away from it. What stops me is...

Will I be brave enough to step out on the faith that I am good enough and deserve better?

That is the question of the hour and by the end of the day I will know the answer.

Living in Singleville is hard.

... to be continued.


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