Friday, May 22, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Do we all know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Same guy two very different personalities. Good and Evil. I'm realizing that this rages in all of us. Today as I was reflecting I realized that this is true of me and my relationships.

I seem to categorize men into those I would sleep with, those I want to be with and friends. Do we see a problem here? For those who know me you'd know that I practice abstinence. So you could see how the first category is a dangerous category.

That is where Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes in. For those I want to be in a relationship with and who are friends I am Dr. Jekyll. I am respectable, honest, wholesome. Most of them are afraid to talk suggestively in my presence for fear of making my ears bleed. And curse? No way. Because with them I set a standard. However when we come to the category of those I would sleep with I'm Mr. Hyde. I'm like this totally wild, out of control person. I do things I wouldn't normally do, I say things I didn't even know were in my vocabulary and I can be a borderline ho. (It pains me to have to recognize this about myself). Bottom line: I become a player.

I was forced to acknowledge this this week. This passed Monday I went to see Trig. (I mentioned him in a past blog.) We went out and I knew almost instantly he wasn't relationship material. But I was incredibly attracted to him. Danger! I felt Mr. Hyde looking to make an appearance. And he did or should I say she did.

I became calculating. I turned my flirting up, started touching him a lot more, trying to measure how far I could go without going too far. Then I went in for the kill. I didn't sleep with him but I know that the more I see him the more likely that it will occur.

The problem is the war that these two figures rage within me. Mr. Hyde feels good in the moment but causes way too much damage after the fact. But I fight the fact that she desires to make more and more appearances as of late.

I am Dr. Jekyll. I am respectable and wholesome and good but how do I temper the Mr. Hyde that longs to emerge and run rampant?

I don't know what to do...


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