So Pissed Off

"So pissed off
Lookin' at life through the glass that you
shattered"

That Angie Stone song is really speaking to how I'm feeling. First of all my day at work was trash. Then this...

BS that shouldn't have happened but did happen. I speak the truth. People tell me I'm too nice, that I need to set people straight. But when I tell the truth they get upset. Give me a break.

"You need an inner appeal so your anger just relieve
I never meant to cause you pain
But it was there before I came"

I try not to put people on blast but truth is truth and the anger you feel at me may be misplaced. Instead of looking at me, look at yourself. Because if the truth angers you then you don't like the truth of what you do. And the problem is with you. Many issues in the world today arise because we let people walk around like what they do is fine and never tell them what we truly think. I'm not talking maliciously but don't say nothing.

I write as a release. It's therapy because I have a lot of things going on in my head. Lots of thoughts that want to be released. Some people can't take the things that I have to say but I refuse to silence my voice. For so long I've said nothing. Just sat back and watched things and bit my tongue. Did that make things better? No. And then we'd just shake our heads and shrug our shoulders.

I'm done shaking, now I'm talking. If I can't talk about what's going on in my head here, in my own blog space, where can I?

I'm not putting anyone down just stating facts. In Singleville is where my life happens.

" Can't let you go on with it
Now cuz you pissin' me off
I don't wanna be stressed out
I don't wanna be stressed out"

I don't wanna be stressed out so I'll let it go and keep doing me.

"Brotha can I live, can a sister live
God damn"

Thanks Angie! Every time I listen to you I always feel better.

Never a dull day in Singleville.


...to be continued

????

Today seems to be the day of question marks.
I'm in this mood. Which is hard to explain other than unfulfilled.

I have all of these guys that I'm talking to and yet feel in no way that I am any closer to my goal of getting to marrywood. Yes I know, I should relish being single. Blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all and that's not the point.

My goal is meet the man that I'm supposed to marry, that person who will fulfill me. I'm not talking about giving me purpose. I'm talking about someone who can give me all the thing I can't give myself. Companionship. Yes friends can give you this but at the end of the day they ain't lying next to you holding you and if they are what type of friends you got? (raising my eyebrow) Children. Yes I can adopt or get a sperm donor but why is that necessary? I'm still young and half the fun of having kids is making them ;). Sex. I don't think I need to explain this one but in case I do, I'm not trying to service myself so...yeah. Finally, love. All consuming, passionate, I'll do anything for you, can't get enough of you, you will still be hot to me 50 years from now love.

While all the guys I'm talking to are nice and they all give me some of the things I'm looking for its not the complete package and I always end up with the feeling "somthing's missing". And almost all of them lack my most important requirement. A relationship with Christ. *sigh*

So its like I'm back to square one. And even more depressing, on my way home from work this lady gets on the bus with her rolly backpack and her groceries. She had a nice body, tall like a supermodel, long hair, all the things society says you should have. And she was single. And I thought, that could be me in 10 to 15 years. On the bus struggling with my bags looking just sad with a big floppy hat on. I wanted to cry. That is my greatest fear I think. One of my mom's friends who I love dearly is an amazing woman but she's single too and still saying well maybe one day... I can't be like that. I'd go hoping mad. Justing sitting there waiting for my prince to come. I can't do this roller coaster ride for no 10 years I bearly can handle it now.

And the statistics aren't any better the ratio of black women to black men is like 8 to 1 (i'm pretty sure but don't quote me) which is like insane. And most men nowadays (notice I said most not all) want to hit it and move on. So the ratio is 8 to 1 where most just want sex and I'm celibate. Plus I'm trying to find the one that loves God, wants a commitment and has a job. Do you now understand my frustration?

The Lord knows all things. Including how long I'll be here in Singleville. And if I'm here much longer I might do something I ain't supposed to do. (I think I've already begun me dissent.) Lord help me.

Singleville makes a woman crazy especially when she is having less than holy thoughts.

...to be continued.