So, in the crazy recesses of my mind. I've been thinking about the possibility of advertising for a mail-order husband.
Its crazy I know. I've been reading a lot of stories about mail-order brides recently. I'm fascinated by history and I have come to feel a kinship with these women in these stories. So of them fictitious and some of them real. They are ladies who felt unwanted, past their time, unpretty, plain or damaged, and lack confidence; like this was their last hope.
I've felt all these things on more than one occassion. I sympathize with these women who put all their hopes and dreams on a man they had never met and barely knew but for a few letters. This I know but sometimes when your at the wits end... you do some crazy things.
Maybe... I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind over this marriage and babies stuff. Sometimes when you want something so bad it starts to consume you.
My biggest fear is making a decision out of desperation. Marriage for me is forever. Its a big decision that I have to live with til I die. I want to make the best choices possible but my choices feel limited and that makes me anxious. Gosh, sometimes I wish I was a man.
...to be continued.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
When Your Heart Won't Listen to Your Head
Washington won't let me go.
I'm going through the cycle in my life when the desire to be married is really strong. Its usually once a month that this really strong urge comes along to be coupled up and it sucks because that's when you make bad decisions.
And Washington won't let me go.
I really don't need this right now. I am so tired. I need to meet the right man and my heart wants that person but sometimes our heart can be clouded by our desires so I need to keep my head clear. This is the time of no compromises.
But he won't let me go... ugh
... to be continued
I'm going through the cycle in my life when the desire to be married is really strong. Its usually once a month that this really strong urge comes along to be coupled up and it sucks because that's when you make bad decisions.
And Washington won't let me go.
I really don't need this right now. I am so tired. I need to meet the right man and my heart wants that person but sometimes our heart can be clouded by our desires so I need to keep my head clear. This is the time of no compromises.
But he won't let me go... ugh
... to be continued
Friday, May 14, 2010
Date Night
So 2 Fridays past (I'm kinda late writing this huh? lol.) I went out with 6'8. I wore this cute sundress, my hair was done in these nice curls; I had him dreaming about that outfit for days. I looked hot (lol) but anyway it was a gorgeous day. We went to the South Street Seaport. Went to this cute little restaurant and ate outside near the water. It was so romantic and I was definitely feeling the atmosphere so we kissed. And it was...
Ok.
Maybe I put too much weight on kissing but I want to be wowed when I'm kissed.
Now that being said. We have gone out every Friday since then. I always enjoy myself. Some of the places he has taken me have been amazing. We have kissed on more than one occasion but I still haven't been wowed and I'm still holding back...
Its interesting to me because I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that is giving me pause. Don't get me wrong, I think he's great and there is a great deal of chemistry and attraction between us but as I think of long-term; us meeting the others respective families, taking this relationship to the next level I question is this what I want.
I have thought about if this could lead to something. Marriage. He has talked about this candidly and his desire to get married and have kids. So of course I have thought about it. And he seems to think I make a good candidate for the position. But...
Will this make me happy? It would make him happy but would me just going with the flow of things be trying to fulfill his happiness and put mine secondary?
Its funny because I used to hate being home on a Friday Night but now I'm finding that I'm at a place where I don't want to have a date just to say I have one.
I want something meaningful. Now I've always thought this way but my actions didn't show this to be true. I don't want to be in a relationship just because I can, I want to be with the man I'm supposed to spend my life with.
Could that be 6'8? Anything is possible I've come to discover but at this moment I'm not certain or sold.
Lots to think about and pray about.
... to be continued
Ok.
Maybe I put too much weight on kissing but I want to be wowed when I'm kissed.
Now that being said. We have gone out every Friday since then. I always enjoy myself. Some of the places he has taken me have been amazing. We have kissed on more than one occasion but I still haven't been wowed and I'm still holding back...
Its interesting to me because I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that is giving me pause. Don't get me wrong, I think he's great and there is a great deal of chemistry and attraction between us but as I think of long-term; us meeting the others respective families, taking this relationship to the next level I question is this what I want.
I have thought about if this could lead to something. Marriage. He has talked about this candidly and his desire to get married and have kids. So of course I have thought about it. And he seems to think I make a good candidate for the position. But...
Will this make me happy? It would make him happy but would me just going with the flow of things be trying to fulfill his happiness and put mine secondary?
Its funny because I used to hate being home on a Friday Night but now I'm finding that I'm at a place where I don't want to have a date just to say I have one.
I want something meaningful. Now I've always thought this way but my actions didn't show this to be true. I don't want to be in a relationship just because I can, I want to be with the man I'm supposed to spend my life with.
Could that be 6'8? Anything is possible I've come to discover but at this moment I'm not certain or sold.
Lots to think about and pray about.
... to be continued
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What Makes A Good Birthday Gift?
That is the question plaguing me this day.
This is the situation. A man's wife's birthday is coming up and he buys her scented candles. He gets her a card and buys a card for the kids to sign too. He takes her out to dinner and then gives her the gift and when asked if she likes them she says, "They're ok." She says this because she doesn't feel this is a gift a husband gives to a wife. Its not personal enough. :-/ She'd rather have gotten socks!
Now it may be just me (I'm not a married lady afterall) but I think the fact that he remembered, took me out, and actually bought me a gift is a feat that is much appreciated and would be greatly rewarded. Am I wrong here? Yeah it might not have been what you wanted but appreciate the effort.
Nowadays, its hard to find a man who has a job, takes care of his responsiblities, can put it on you something serious, and gives you a gift on your birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and Christmas. C'mon ladies, is it necessary to nitpick on the fact that the gift wasn't personal enough to your standards? Have we become that rigid that we can't appreciate the effort our men make for us when so many often don't?
But the most pressing question is, What qualifies as a good and personal gift that a husband should give a wife? I mean men give ther wives really nice, expensive gifts but don't pick them out. They send someone to the store with a charge card and say here's the limit get her something nice and they are just as surprised as their wife when she opens the gift. How personal is that? Wouldn't you rather get a gift where your husband went to the mall to decide whether or not you'd like the lavender scented one or the strawberries and cream? I mean that's love cuz what man likes to go to the mall or shopping period? Lol.
I don't get it. Since I'm one that doesn't expect to get anything on her birthday besides text messages and facebook posts (I cherish those by the way) if I received a gift, even if I didn't love it I'd never let the giver know it. Why? Because they cared enough to go out and spend money on me. Cuz they remembered and took out time in their day to acknowledge me. In as fast paced a world as we live in I don't take those things for granted.
After all, isn't it the thought behind the gift that really counts?
Life's too short to be ungrateful. (I realized I just sounded like my Grandmother. Lol.)
... to be continued.
This is the situation. A man's wife's birthday is coming up and he buys her scented candles. He gets her a card and buys a card for the kids to sign too. He takes her out to dinner and then gives her the gift and when asked if she likes them she says, "They're ok." She says this because she doesn't feel this is a gift a husband gives to a wife. Its not personal enough. :-/ She'd rather have gotten socks!
Now it may be just me (I'm not a married lady afterall) but I think the fact that he remembered, took me out, and actually bought me a gift is a feat that is much appreciated and would be greatly rewarded. Am I wrong here? Yeah it might not have been what you wanted but appreciate the effort.
Nowadays, its hard to find a man who has a job, takes care of his responsiblities, can put it on you something serious, and gives you a gift on your birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and Christmas. C'mon ladies, is it necessary to nitpick on the fact that the gift wasn't personal enough to your standards? Have we become that rigid that we can't appreciate the effort our men make for us when so many often don't?
But the most pressing question is, What qualifies as a good and personal gift that a husband should give a wife? I mean men give ther wives really nice, expensive gifts but don't pick them out. They send someone to the store with a charge card and say here's the limit get her something nice and they are just as surprised as their wife when she opens the gift. How personal is that? Wouldn't you rather get a gift where your husband went to the mall to decide whether or not you'd like the lavender scented one or the strawberries and cream? I mean that's love cuz what man likes to go to the mall or shopping period? Lol.
I don't get it. Since I'm one that doesn't expect to get anything on her birthday besides text messages and facebook posts (I cherish those by the way) if I received a gift, even if I didn't love it I'd never let the giver know it. Why? Because they cared enough to go out and spend money on me. Cuz they remembered and took out time in their day to acknowledge me. In as fast paced a world as we live in I don't take those things for granted.
After all, isn't it the thought behind the gift that really counts?
Life's too short to be ungrateful. (I realized I just sounded like my Grandmother. Lol.)
... to be continued.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
????
Today seems to be the day of question marks. 
I'm in this mood. Which is hard to explain other than unfulfilled.
I have all of these guys that I'm talking to and yet feel in no way that I am any closer to my goal of getting to marrywood. Yes I know, I should relish being single. Blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all and that's not the point.
My goal is meet the man that I'm supposed to marry, that person who will fulfill me. I'm not talking about giving me purpose. I'm talking about someone who can give me all the thing I can't give myself. Companionship. Yes friends can give you this but at the end of the day they ain't lying next to you holding you and if they are what type of friends you got? (raising my eyebrow) Children. Yes I can adopt or get a sperm donor but why is that necessary? I'm still young and half the fun of having kids is making them ;). Sex. I don't think I need to explain this one but in case I do, I'm not trying to service myself so...yeah. Finally, love. All consuming, passionate, I'll do anything for you, can't get enough of you, you will still be hot to me 50 years from now love.
While all the guys I'm talking to are nice and they all give me some of the things I'm looking for its not the complete package and I always end up with the feeling "somthing's missing". And almost all of them lack my most important requirement. A relationship with Christ. *sigh*
So its like I'm back to square one. And even more depressing, on my way home from work this lady gets on the bus with her rolly backpack and her groceries. She had a nice body, tall like a supermodel, long hair, all the things society says you should have. And she was single. And I thought, that could be me in 10 to 15 years. On the bus struggling with my bags looking just sad with a big floppy hat on. I wanted to cry. That is my greatest fear I think. One of my mom's friends who I love dearly is an amazing woman but she's single too and still saying well maybe one day... I can't be like that. I'd go hoping mad. Justing sitting there waiting for my prince to come. I can't do this roller coaster ride for no 10 years I bearly can handle it now.
And the statistics aren't any better the ratio of black women to black men is like 8 to 1 (i'm pretty sure but don't quote me) which is like insane. And most men nowadays (notice I said most not all) want to hit it and move on. So the ratio is 8 to 1 where most just want sex and I'm celibate. Plus I'm trying to find the one that loves God, wants a commitment and has a job. Do you now understand my frustration?
The Lord knows all things. Including how long I'll be here in Singleville. And if I'm here much longer I might do something I ain't supposed to do. (I think I've already begun me dissent.) Lord help me.
Singleville makes a woman crazy especially when she is having less than holy thoughts.
...to be continued.
I'm in this mood. Which is hard to explain other than unfulfilled.
I have all of these guys that I'm talking to and yet feel in no way that I am any closer to my goal of getting to marrywood. Yes I know, I should relish being single. Blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all and that's not the point.
My goal is meet the man that I'm supposed to marry, that person who will fulfill me. I'm not talking about giving me purpose. I'm talking about someone who can give me all the thing I can't give myself. Companionship. Yes friends can give you this but at the end of the day they ain't lying next to you holding you and if they are what type of friends you got? (raising my eyebrow) Children. Yes I can adopt or get a sperm donor but why is that necessary? I'm still young and half the fun of having kids is making them ;). Sex. I don't think I need to explain this one but in case I do, I'm not trying to service myself so...yeah. Finally, love. All consuming, passionate, I'll do anything for you, can't get enough of you, you will still be hot to me 50 years from now love.
While all the guys I'm talking to are nice and they all give me some of the things I'm looking for its not the complete package and I always end up with the feeling "somthing's missing". And almost all of them lack my most important requirement. A relationship with Christ. *sigh*
So its like I'm back to square one. And even more depressing, on my way home from work this lady gets on the bus with her rolly backpack and her groceries. She had a nice body, tall like a supermodel, long hair, all the things society says you should have. And she was single. And I thought, that could be me in 10 to 15 years. On the bus struggling with my bags looking just sad with a big floppy hat on. I wanted to cry. That is my greatest fear I think. One of my mom's friends who I love dearly is an amazing woman but she's single too and still saying well maybe one day... I can't be like that. I'd go hoping mad. Justing sitting there waiting for my prince to come. I can't do this roller coaster ride for no 10 years I bearly can handle it now.
And the statistics aren't any better the ratio of black women to black men is like 8 to 1 (i'm pretty sure but don't quote me) which is like insane. And most men nowadays (notice I said most not all) want to hit it and move on. So the ratio is 8 to 1 where most just want sex and I'm celibate. Plus I'm trying to find the one that loves God, wants a commitment and has a job. Do you now understand my frustration?
The Lord knows all things. Including how long I'll be here in Singleville. And if I'm here much longer I might do something I ain't supposed to do. (I think I've already begun me dissent.) Lord help me.
Singleville makes a woman crazy especially when she is having less than holy thoughts.
...to be continued.
