Reminiscing

For the last few weeks I've been taking long distance trips down memory lane. After the funeral of the Ex I was replaying in my mind all the times we spent together. Wondering if things coulda ended differently between us. The answer: Maybe but most likely it would have all played out the same.

Its amazing that after someone dies no matter how you ended you want to remember the good times.

My mom has been great through this entire process by the way. I've been able to talk through it with her and its been therapeutic. She got what I meant when I said that I felt disconnected at his funeral, like the person they were talking about I didn't know. It seemed like I had this totally different experience of him.

I didn't cry and I wondered why. I thought I woulda been a basket case. But I realized I grieved for him when we broke up so I felt sadness, especially for his family, but I didn't feel deep sorrow. Like something I treasured was lost to me forever, I had already through that already. He had been lost to me years ago.

So during this trip my mom said to me, "What was it about him that made you so comfortable? That allowed you to be who you are? You need to figure that out and find the guy you can have that level of comfort with." That sounds like amazing advice. Why didn't I think of that?

Taking a look back is a good practice, you always need to see where you've come from but you don't want to stay there. I'm looking forward to moving forward.

... to be continued.

Death, The Job Search, and Sprained Ankles

Your girl has been MIA and her life has been going at 110 miles an hour. The Ex passed away two Sundays ago and its affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. Will be going to the funeral shortly. As badly as he treated me back in the day I never wished death on him. I realized that he was such a big part of my high school and college years. It shaped the woman I am today. Although he would piss me off at times, he was a good person at heart. He was someone I thought would be there as I got older. We would have spouses and kids and be cool and it would make sense. His death and my reaction to it isn't making sense. I've been in a fog for the last week. (Secretly, he was my back up. The guy who if you still single at 35 or so you make a pact and get married, have kids, etc. Someone who through they make you raise your eyebrow at them at times is still someone you can tolerate, is familiar and will give you pretty babies. lol. Now I have no back up.) That may sound selfish but since I was 16 I thought I was gonna marry this dude. Now that ain't even a faint possibility. Thats a deep truth to accept.

My job search has stalled a bit. After 2 months of sending resumes and getting only one interview I'm starting to get tired. Smh. But I gotta be true to the process. I'm in it for the long haul.

And my ankle. This blasted ankle still got me at physical therapy. I'm getting more frustrated as my dance classes get closer.

And can you believe it is almost September? Wow. So far this year had been (as 6'8 says) Bananas! I don't know how much more I can take. This year needs to gain some upside to not be one of the worst years of my life. Wow.

...to be continued.

The Ex, the MC, and Mr. E

This will be a relatively short post. Let me see if I can pull this off.

Saw The Ex last weekend. Tell me why homeboy was surprised that I didn't give him a hug and instead gave him a pat on the back. Sweetie, we are not bffs. Fool done lost his mind.

Saw the MC Monday and had to give him the "I think we should be just friends" speech. It totally sucked. He's still talking to me but ...I miss the comfort that came with that relationship. But I had to. Everything was moving so fast and I just couldn't get past his kid being 3 years younger than me. I had to end it before we got too attached.

Times Up! Mr. E's deadline to reply has come and gone. I have moved him to the friend category and that's how he will stay. He will always have a special place in my heart but if he's not ready your girl's got to move on.

Three strikes :-/ Am I out? SMH

... to be continued

The Ex

He makes me sick.

I try to be the bigger person and be friends with exes. Thats just who I am. But I am only human and sometimes I see things that piss me off. (If you not sure of the foolishness he do see This Fool Has Got To be Kidding Me) Its crazy cuz when I see this particular ex I smile all sweet but secretly I'm thinking, "You are such a jackass and I wish I could tell you off." But I don't say it. I keep the peace. But the trash I peeped just now, I had to let go cuz I'm simmering ova here.

You should never remain friends with an ex if they are your friend on a social network. Delete them immediately because all the stupid ish they be doing pops up in your news feed. You look at they profile and your like who is this person? You be looking at they status like WTF?! We all know you ain't that holy and if you are now why wasn't you like that when I was dating you? Or you see some of the convos they have with people and you like oh hell naw.

Now usually I ignore them. I don't go to their profiles, only acknowledge them when they acknowledge me, and if I do pay attention to their status changes I get a little chuckle out of it and roll me eyes.

But today, in my news feed of course, a convo he having with a good friend of mine pops up. I don't know why I went to read the thread of this convo but I did and I'm like WTF?! It seemed a bit inappropriate to me. Now what he doesn't know is that all the dumb ish he did she knows. And we laugh about it, shake our head, and roll our eyes like, this fool.

Now I'm not trying to hate and I'm not mad because I want him back. (Been there done that, neva, eva, eva to return) I'm pissed for the lack of respect. (But why should I expect that from someone who didn't show me respect while we dated either?) Now I'm beginning to think that my girls were dead on the other night when they said he seemed to be all up under her. To do that in my face is a bish ass move and shows your true character.

I don't know why I expect him to do better than he does. He hasn't changed in six years why do I expect him to catch wisdom and respect all of a sudden? All I know is that every time I see him or wateva I leave feeling some kinda way (like murderous or at the very least want to rip his arm off his body and beat him with it).
The thing is when we broke up I coulda retaliated and f-ed him up. My sister was begging me to saying that if I didn't want to she would. Had people wanting to tell him off and ish and I kept that all back out of respect. Because I'm betta then all of that even though I would of thoroughly enjoyed it. (He still don't know that my momma itching to tell him about himself) But I'm about done wit this fool. I can be nice but for so long before I break on you.

One of these days all them things is gonna slip out my mouth and when it does I won't be sorry.

Breath girl breath. Had my blood pressure all elevated and stuff...oooooh

Pray for me

...to be continued