Lacking Trust

I'm not very trusting. (Understatement of the century). I've been hurt. People who I don't know who try to play me I don't really care what they got to say. You don't like me, that's fine. I'll live. The thing is I've been hurt one too many times by folks who are supposed to have my back.

Maybe thats why guys don't really approach me. I can be standoffish because I'm always waiting to find out what their agenda is, what they want from me. I'm a cool chick and loyal to a fault but I have to deem you worthy of that trust. Now I'm very selective of who those people are, I wish I was more selective when I was younger.

In any case, trust is a huge issue for me. I'm sure many can relate. It causes me to wait for the other shoe to drop in all of my relationships. My track record of break-ups to get back with exes, secret wives, when I really like someone I'm always waiting for the relationship to fall apart like it has in the past.

I'm SCARED. I'ma be honest. I hate dating because I'm scared to fall in love only to have the bottom drop out of my relationships. It seems almost inevitable. People's word nowadays is like garbage. Its crazy.

But you can't love if you can't trust. And I can't get married unless I find a man I love. I'm a work in progress.  It means letting go and not leaning on my own understanding. God is in control. Hopefully, I let Him take the lead instead of trying to make something, that I should walk away from, work.

... to be continued

The Settlement

In my list of long-term goals I should be engaged at some point in the next 6-9 months. Obviously, at the rate my love life is going that ain't happening. I'm starting to feel anxiety creeping up on me. When you feel anxiety you start to SETTLE. Of all the words in the English language this has to be one of the scariest for me.

Historically, in my relationships I put my guys needs, wants, desires not just ahead of my own but I throw mine out the window because I don't want him to leave me. Now, I ain't about that anymore. I want to be with someone who puts my happiness first just like I would put his but.. where we don't lose our identity in each other.

That being said when I feel like I'm not going to reach a goal I start doing things to reach the goal. I.e. making concessions where I shouldn't be. I'm tempted to look for my good on paper man. That guy who, when you go down the list of great qualities in a man he hits most of those things. he probably won't be drop dead gorgeous but he'll be sufficiently handsome, work hard, treat you well and he might bore you just a little. I had my good on paper man. And I was on the verge of settling. (I shudder even when I type the word). He had a good job, polite, a gentlemen, sufficiently good looking but there was no spark and he bored me to death. I remember standing at the crossroads of pursuing it or letting it drop and... I let it drop.

As much as I detest settling REGRET scares the crap outta me. I don't want to wake up one day and say, "What the hell was I thinking?". I want to feel good about my choices. That's probably why settling scares me. Regret usually follows it. Though I fear being alone, I'd rather be by myself then settle and regret the path I chose in life. Its a hard balance. I'm trying to focus on God's plan for me but trust is hard especially when the tunnel that leads to your forever is dark and you can't see behind, in front, to the left or the right.

I'm trying but some days and nights settling seems like a good option. Its just something within me that won't let it happen.

... to be continued

Older Men & Me

I like older men. No question. They are distinguished, they've lived and ... I'm an old soul. Now I'm not talking about any run of the mill older guy. For me they look a certain way, carry themselves a certain way, have a personality that draws you in, are intelligent, ooze experience and are FINE!

I find that I don't always click with men my own age. And sometimes where men are concerned, they get better with time. However, I'm noticing that I don't get a lot a play from guys my age to begin with. I wouldn't say I'm model gorgeous but I'm a good looking girl. I'll be 26 next year (I can't believe it actually) and I can't get a guy in his twenties to give me a second look but let a man 40 and older get a gander at me and they be eyeing me hard on the train, on the street, etc. Its a little unnerving.

Even the security guard in my building at work has been macking it to me hard. The other night as I was leaving to go home he told me i need to leave the boys alone and be with a man that will treat me like a princess. Unfortunately for him he looks to fatherly, and he's probably old enough to be my father.

That being said I'm 4 years and 5 months (gotta be precise) from 30. I'm not getting any younger and as I get older this doesn't seem to bode well for me. Eventually I'll catch up to the age of these older men and they'll be looking for women who are 25.

I don't know what to think. How can I already feel passed my prime in my twenties? There is something seriously wrong with that. Maybe I'm not in the right space to meet men who are not old enough to have birthed me. Like I said I like older men but these men that have been eyeing me aren't my cup of tea. And the ones that I've seen that are... are married. *sigh*

So is my life. Looks like my mother's wish that I wait till I'm 30 to get married will come true. Not cuz I want it to but because I couldn't get a date unless I walked to a guy naked and told him to come home with me. Ok, maybe that would work but I ain't doing that. Lol.

My resident older man, 6'8 is a tempting settlement. He wants me something fierce, he's not my cup of tea looks wise but there is a connection between us. I just don't want to settle. (More on that later) I don't love him which for him is okay. But its not for me. Now if 6'8 looked like Boris Kojo, or Sherman Moore or Lance Gross it would be on like Donkey Kong (That game was popping back in the day. Lol.). But he doesn't and I know I sound shallow but I like what I like. And while I like 6'8 I don't like the fact that when I'm out with him I don't want people to know I'm with him.

I did that looooooooooong sidebar to say that I love older men but I don't want to feel like that is my only option and that I have to settle. *gasps for air* You would think I talk this much in real life. I don't. Lol.

...to be continued

Reminiscing

For the last few weeks I've been taking long distance trips down memory lane. After the funeral of the Ex I was replaying in my mind all the times we spent together. Wondering if things coulda ended differently between us. The answer: Maybe but most likely it would have all played out the same.

Its amazing that after someone dies no matter how you ended you want to remember the good times.

My mom has been great through this entire process by the way. I've been able to talk through it with her and its been therapeutic. She got what I meant when I said that I felt disconnected at his funeral, like the person they were talking about I didn't know. It seemed like I had this totally different experience of him.

I didn't cry and I wondered why. I thought I woulda been a basket case. But I realized I grieved for him when we broke up so I felt sadness, especially for his family, but I didn't feel deep sorrow. Like something I treasured was lost to me forever, I had already through that already. He had been lost to me years ago.

So during this trip my mom said to me, "What was it about him that made you so comfortable? That allowed you to be who you are? You need to figure that out and find the guy you can have that level of comfort with." That sounds like amazing advice. Why didn't I think of that?

Taking a look back is a good practice, you always need to see where you've come from but you don't want to stay there. I'm looking forward to moving forward.

... to be continued.

I Wanna Be With You

I wanna be with you

If only for a night

To be the one whose in your arms

Who holds you tight

I wanna be with you

There`s nothing more to say

There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way

I wanna be with you

That Mandy Moore song is old but is so beautiful and captures an emotion that all people want to hear from another person. "I wanna be with you baby." I know I do. (I still remember how it made me feel back when I was a nerdy teen in high school.)

Last night in Singleville was an interesting night. Skittles calls me. (see Young Bucks on the Come Up ) Now when he does he usually gets me frustrated because he doesn't like to annouce himself. Now I always know who it is but its annoying. (I view it like a like kid game he like to play with me and it always reminds of the fact that he's still young) Your probably wondering why I don't just save his number in my phone. He doesn't have a phone so he calls me from all these random numbers. Saving any one of the numbers he calls me from would be useless and a waste of time.

Anyway, we usually don't get into anything deep when he calls. He tells me he loves me. I tell him ok, whatever you say. This goes on for a few minutes and then we hang up. (Ok I hang up) I know your thinking, "Man she's a bish to him." The thing is I've been hearing this song and dance for almost as long as I've known him. I've never taken it seriously because I just thought it was a little boyhood crush that I thought he'd grow out of. (He met me when he was 13 and I was 18.)

But last night, although that is how I thought the conversation would go, that's not how it went at all. Of course he said to me, "You know I love you right?" And I obligingly say yes. And then he says, "Why can't we be together?" He's asked me this a million times and I've given him the same answer a million times but last night he wouldn't let it go. Then he asks, "If we were the same age would we be together?" Crap. The one question I had hoped he'd never ask me. I had to answer truthly. And the answer is that its a strong possibility. Now I can't make any promises that it would be the case but if we were on equal footing I would seriously consider it. I shoulda told him know. But its just not in me to lie. And that would be a big lie.

The thing with Skittles is that I know that he wants to be with me and that he would treat me right. However, he has so much instability. He is still a kid (which is evidenced in some of the things he says) and while thats all good I haven't been a "kid" for a while now. My mindset and outlook has always been a mature one and I just don't think we are on the same level.

Trying to convey this to someone who says that they've loved you since the first time they saw you is an impossible task. He is still set on being with me and marrying me. I almost died when he told me that he wanted me to wait 7 years for him so that we could get married. In 7 years I'll be 30. And while its possible that I might still be single by then. That is not my goal nor my hope.

I guess for me, I'm just trying to understand why he wants to be with me with such intensity. What does he feel I will give him? Why does he give me such loyalty? It a little baffling to me, especially after some of the things he told me. He treats me with a lot more respect than all of the females he deals with. (he treat those other girls a little doggish :-/) Its almost like reverence. I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal because I will most assuredly fall off. So I asked him, "What happens when you get tired of me? What happens when I get old?" He said he'd never get tired of me and to him I'm not old *sigh*

Oh, boy. What girl doesn't what to hear that? Who doesn't want to be loved like that? But I've said it before and I'll say it again. You can't live on love alone. I wish you could but you can't and I need stability. I thrive on stability. I need someone I can lean on because so many lean on me. He is such a gray area. Nothing with him is black and white. And just the thought of teetering and struggling makes my palms sweat and my heart race. The only thing I could tell him is that if were meant to be God will make a way. (Cuz right now I can't see us together) He said he's been praying for that for the last 5 years. Lord have mercy. Would it be wrong of me to pray the opposite of his prayer? Yeah that's what I thought.

Now while I'm talking to Skittles I'm texting Mr. Feel Good. Now he is still in the friend category but we've been talking a lot lately. Like I've said before he is incredibly sweet and recently we've shared with each other some of our plans for the future. (I love a man with goals) Which was really nice. So last night were texting and I start to see him use possessive language. Basically saying your mine. This was kinda out of left field so I say, "I'm your?" And he says yes.

Ok...ummm. Then he asks me, "Are you my lady?" Whoa. Now I'm put on the spot. Both on the phone and thru text I'm being told I wanna be with you. And I'm speechless. I haven't even met Mr. Feel Good in person yet so how can I know if I'm his lady? I don't know what chemistry we will have or if I can see myself being with him like that. Plus, even though our text conversations are good anytime we have a phone convo some how I always end up turned off.

So last night I went to sleep exhausted and confused. I thought that by hearing someone say "I wanna be with you" everything would burst into color and I'd get all warm and tingly and then say it back with gusto. But last night I couldn't. Everything in me wanted to be able to but I just couldn't. My question is why did my heart ache a little?

Oh, Singleville how you confuse me so. Just when I think I've got it figured out something happens and it says, "Ha! Nope, you haven't figured it out quite yet."

I still love the song though. :)

... to be continued.

Standards

Recently I've been reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I thought I knew men pretty well but now I know that I knew nothing really at all. Its making me re-think all the things that I know about men and relationships. I've come to realize that my toxic past relationships have partly been my fault because I was an enabler. I allowed them to happen. How many times have I told myself, "If he had been someone else I would never have tolerated what he put me through." Countless. And that's the problem. Where have my standards gone?

No where because I do have standards. But somehow everytime I'm in a relationship I let them go lax or totally throw them out the window. No wonder my heart is bleeding. Standards are supposed to protect you from those who aren't worthy of your time, yet we always let them slide because we're afraid they will leave. If they leave we don't really need them anyway, do we?

I'm tired of allowing myself to be disrespected, my feelings to be tossed to the wayside all because I hope that someone will love me. I need to love myself.

Because of this week's book reading I've begun to look at my relationship with Mr. E with new eyes. I'm doing it again. I know what I want in a mate and I make excuses and let him slide on things that irk the hell out of me because I'm scared he'll leave. Why is this my fault? Because I'm not telling him about the things I want and need from him. I sugar coat everything, tell him its ok so of course he will continue to do the things that irk me because he doesn't know they do. And last night after what has to be my umptenth attempt to coordinate a date with him, I have call him later to see if he's available (which I'm expecting he isn't) and if he is available I won't get too excited because I expect him to cancel on me at the last minute. How did I get here (I'm a punk. I should be able to tell him this. I need to tell him this)? Again?

I don't usually demand a lot from a man, I think that my jaded view of them contributes to this a lot. They somehow always let me down so I ask very little of them. But I do expect a lot from them. I ask to be respected, sought after, not left dangling for days and weeks. I want to know where the relationship is marked to go so I can plan according ly. I want to be a priority, I want to be wooed but not smothered, and I want to have the option to lean on you when I want and need to. But men aren't mind readers and unless I tell him what I feel and what I need how will he know? I can expect a lot but he will always fall short because I don't lay my cards on the table upfront.

I stand at the crossroads or singleness and marriage. If I don't change my behavior I realize that I will be walking the road of singleness the rest of my life. With one foot in singleville and the other wanting to go in the direction of marrywood every decision I make, starting today will lead me closer to that destination or will lead me further away from it. What stops me is...

FEAR.
Will I be brave enough to step out on the faith that I am good enough and deserve better?

That is the question of the hour and by the end of the day I will know the answer.

Living in Singleville is hard.

... to be continued.

Choking

Grandpa update and it doesn't look good. The tumor on his throat is growing and it will continue to grow until it chokes him to death. It reminds me of how we allow things to choke the life from us. The rest of us is healthy but that doesn't matter. If one part is bad, thats enough to take life from you. I hope that the Lord releases him from this before the inevitable takes place. Just as I pray that the Lord releases me from what seems to be choking me now. Life is... As the burdens get poured on I look at my grandfather and see his faith and I think, if he can trust Him in the midst of this why can't I? When life is trying to choke the life out of me will I trust in the Giver of the life for the peace I so desperately want?

We will see on both accounts. We both want release. Will see how it happens.

Questionmarked Future

After coming home one day last week and just crying, full out torrential rain tears this single girl is going to be honest with herself. I've been fighting it and biting the bullet but after months of not being able to see what direction my life is going in and having completely lost the ability to formulate a dream Cinderella-like or otherwise I had to admit that it is indeed true.

Everything I've been reading lately or interacting with keep screaming the same message at me, when you put all your hopes and dreams in the wrong people they are bound to be shattered and picking up the pieces is a painstaking slow process of recognition, forgiveness, and rebuilding. To say that I am lost is the true understatememt of this month, year, age, eon for me. I'm stuck in a box that I wish to smash to pieces, but somehow I've convinced myself its safer in the box.

I put my hope in a someone who broke my heart. I put everything on him, all the things I used to dream about, he was there, in the dreams with me. And now he's not. The thing is I don't want him to be. (Trust me I know you probably don't believe me but I am being honest) I just want my ability to dream back. When your dreams and future are attached to a relationship and it doesn't work out you don't just lose a significant other, you lose everything that matters to you.

This bothers me other than not being able to dream or seeing where I'm going but because I no longer feel I have anything to offer. The future comes with requirements and prerequistes that I seem to be lacking. Something that is daunting for a girl who has never missed a class or has always been the first one prepared. I wasn't prepared for this and who ever is. When I think about what I am supposed to be...?????

Question marks is all I see. I'm the person that I tell my young people to stir clear of. Lost and floating aimlessly through the daily fluff. My biggest concern is my career, stuck in a job I hate but no clue where I should be. My second concern is Mr. E. He is driven, he is focused. He works hard to acheive his goals. And I am floating. Grounded and floating don't work. Either the grounded person will be made to float or the grounded person will let the floating one go. OR the grounded one can bring the floating one back to earth.

But which category do I fit in and do I even want to be? I dont' want a man to save me. In my world of strong, independent women that not an option for me which means. I need to get myself together. But how when all I see is ????

Question Marks that pop up everywhere and I go no where which makes me depressed.

I feel like one lost in the desert. My soul is dry and searching for refreshment and cleansing from the dust and dirt and grit of life.

Where is this single girl's future leading???

There those question marks go again.

Lord help me.