I Want To See You

So last Sunday I hit up the Personal Trainer.

*Before y'all start going in on me I realized that PT and I had originally started off as friends and I don't stop caring about people just like that. If I did I woulda emancipated myself from some of my family members and disowned some friends by now. Lol. I don't hit him up every day just once in a blue moon. If he crosses my mind I say hey.*

Well in the course of the convo he tells me that he's coming to NYC soon and if it were possible could we meet up so that he could apologize and hug me. He'd even let me smack him across the face and curse him out. *raised eyebrow* I thought about it for a minute because not too long ago I had been dying to see him. But then Washington flashed into my mind and there ain't no way I'm gonna let my curiosity mess up my relationship. Besides will I get anymore answers than the few I got the first time? Doubtful. So, NOPE, not gonna happen.

Plus, my mom woulda killed me (a slow and painful death). It woulda been playing with fire and not for me but him. I mean honestly, wat good can come from us meeting? *crickets*

Exactly.

But my readers, wat would u do if u were in my situation: Would you see him for closure or would you chalk it up as a lesson learned and stay home?

Men never cease to amaze.

... to be continued

He's Married!

So here's the entire story of what happened last night.

I have been talking to the Personal Trainer for a little over a month even though it felt much longer. I first introduced him as my text buddy. Somehow our relationship progressed so much further than that. We would talk everyday. When I mean everyday, I'm talking waking up to texts, talking before we went to bed, sometimes talking all day on Saturdays. And we were talking about some really deep stuff about our feelings, our families. I thought I had a serious connection with him. Mind you I was trying to figure out how this could possibly work because we didn't live in the same state and he was joining the army but when I asked him about it he said that he saw us as getting closer and didn't foresee our relationship changing. He even invited me to come to Georgia to spend the weekend with him.

So I'm thinking its all good, we're on the same page right?

We'll in my post Georgia Peach I talked about going to visit him. My Aunt read my post and commented on it, telling me to send her his name so she can check him out for me. Thinking everything was everything I obliged. She messages me back saying to ask him if he lives in Conyers and knows this woman. He does live in Conyers so I texted him asking if he knew her. I was thinking it was maybe she's a sister or a cousin or maybe his mother but this is what he texts back.

"Yes. She's my wife."

I paused. Like as if you pressed paused on your dvd player. I paused put my phone down and let it sit for a minute. I was stunned to say the least. Was this a joke? So I texted back, "R u serious?"

So wait about 10 minutes because thats how long I waited for a response I never got before I texted, "Were u ever gonna tell me?" He finally texts back

"Yes, but I didn't know how after I didn't tell you the first time we talked. How did u find out?"

How did I find out?! Why the heck didn't you tell me you (insert a random slew of expletives here). The thing is if my Aunt hadn't asked me for his name and then asked me to ask him if he knew that woman I would have never known. I mean I was making plans to spend money to go see this fool, I shared thoughts with him I don't share with anybody because he opened himself up to me. All the things he told me about his life he didn't think that telling me he had a wife and 2 boys was important? WTF?!

So he called me later that night. By now this had sunk in and hearing him talk I began to cry. I hate to admit that I did. And I held it together during most of the call but as I began asking him questions and he kept saying I don't know I couldn't hold it. I was so hurt. Like how can you not know? At any point you could have said Dee, I gotta tell you something. But no, I had to find out indirectly from someone else who didn't even know she was outing you. At least he came out with it straight up but my goodness... he woulda let me come to Georgia and cheat on his wife with me. And I would never know. What if she had seen us together ir found his phone? *smh*

When I asked him if he woulda ever told me he was like uh, well yeah but ... BS.

Then when I asked how he thought us could work he was like, "I was still trying to figure that out."

But what really took the cake was that he was more upset that he hurt me. Me? Not that he could've hurt the other woman he made a vow to, not the fact that a family was almost destroyed. No, he was more upset that he hurt me and mad me cry.

I kept thinking, how do you explain something like that to your kids? He coulda got me got by his wife and I woulda been oblivious as to why. He knows I'm not that type of person. I'm not a husband stealer. And he's been with his wife for years. Their oldest child is 12!

Only God in his awesome power could have orchestrated this. My mom kept telling me he was hiding something and this was more than coincidence that my Aunt would ask me to ask him this woman's name and it would be his wife.

My heart hurts but I thank God that this didn't escalate beyond this point. I can still pick up the pieces and move on cuz I did nothing wrong. I can still hold my head high.

Then he had the nerve to say, "Can I text you later?"

WTF?!

Singleville have mercy on me please.

... to be continued.

Trip Postponed

So, I'm not going to Georgia. *tear* The Personal Trainer asked me if we could reschedule. He explained why and I understood. He wants when we meet to be perfect. Isn't that sweet?

But I still want to get away so I thought maybe I'll go visit my godmommy that weekend in Maryland. She has been asking me to come down for a while so why not? Its been a while since my last visit so I'm over due and if all works out I'll be in Maryland.

While I'm disappointed in my change of plans my new itinerary is considerably cheaper than the previous one so I can't be too upset about that. Going to GA was gonna cost me a grip. Lol. Especially cuz I'm planning to go to Missouri for a conference in December so my cash flow is tight.

But all things considered its a bit of a blessing that he asked to postpone cuz like I've said before he is a whole heap of temptation.

Lets put it this way, I love chocolate. And even though I know that I shouldn't when you place in front of me some sweet, delicious chocolate you can't expect me not to eat some. It just ain't happening, especially if I haven't had a piece in a loooooooooong time. lol.

Lord, help me.

... to be continued

Georgia Peach

So it looks like I'll be taking a mini (real mini) vacay to Georgia in October. We all know who lives in GA. And no I didn't invite myself. Lol. I'm just excited to get the "what if" question out of my head.

What are the two big "what ifs"?

1. What if we don't click?
2. What if we really hit it off?
   
3. What if I don't want to leave?

Either way I will get a nice little trip and time away from New York. I haven't taken a break from anything in the last two years. Yikes!

I need to take more me time. Sheesh.

... to be continued

Washington....Hmmm

I saw Washington last Friday and had a great time. :-/

Why the face? Because the day before that me and PT had an amazing convo. Why was it amazing? Because we both shared pieces of ourselves we almost never share with anyone. Our emotions. *sigh* Do you know how hard it is to find a guy I can share my mind with? Do you know how much harder it is to get him to share his with you? It seems we've taken this to a whole other level.

But... when I was with Washington it was so easy. The convo flowed I didn't feel awkward, nervous, none of this first time jitters people usually have. I was able to just be, you would of thought we had been seeing each other for year the way we interacted and vibed. It was just sooooo EASY. (I like easy, everything else in life is so complicated)

So what is a single girl to do? I can't really compare them because I haven't spent time in PT physical presence. What I do know is that when I was with Washington I was with him. I wasn't daydreaming, I was totally there in the moment with him.

The problem is, I'm a "what if" girl? I always wonder what could have been and I won't let it go til I know. PT is my "what if". I can't let him go until we meet face to face and I know yes we can make this work or no we can't. Which means I can't really move forward with Washington cuz in the back of my mind will be PT. Ugh. Hopefully all will be revealed soon.

In the mean time I see Washington again this Friday :)

I Wanna Be Your Man

This song takes me back to a school dance in Love and Basketball. A lot of my posts have been songs as of late. Hmmm. *shrugs* Ok, so I have an interesting situation right about now.

I'm talking to the Personal Trainer (PT) on Saturday and he tells me that if we weren't being held apart by distance I'd be his woman. Awh, that sucks. Cuz we are, we still talk everyday but I'm in NY and he's in Georgia. Where is the justice?

In the mean time, new prospect intro coming, I've been talking to Washington (he's a Redskins fan). I actually started talking to him before I started talking to the Personal Trainer but PT has stolen my heart. Anyway, he really seems to be feeling me and we also talk everyday. Now, I like him too but some how talking to him feels like I'm cheating on PT or at the very least being dishonest. I'm not that type of girl and I hate that feeling.

Also this passed Saturday, Mr. E emailed me (of course not answering my email) but why did my heart go all a flutter again and I was ready to forgive him all things? *smh* What the heck is wrong with me?

The MC hits me up that same Saturday talking about, come over and cuddle and watch movies with me. Honey is still lurking in the shadows trying to make something happen even if its by sheer force of will and I'm just like "What is going?"

But what takes the cake is today my friend, Poppa, hit me with the I should be your man, your should be my woman pitch. Adding in at the end, "You should give this young guy a shot." Now we have been hanging out a lot more lately and I did start to feel these vibes he was sending my way (We ladies always know when a dude is trying to make a play for us. We get this sense that somethings changed.) but I was hoping and praying that what happened wouldn't happen. Now he didn't just come out and say it but... I'll explain more in a later post.

Can you see my interesting position. I'm getting all these vibes that they all want me in some way. A confidant, lover, ride or die chick, friend. Some of them are a lot more vocal and clear than others about what they want but all in all they seem to be saying the same thing, I wanna be your man. I wanted just one guy but I'm finding myself with more than one guy wanting to be with me. Their actions speak towards that.

I feel like all of them expect me to say "Yes, I'll be with you and only you". They have all gotten used to me being there, answering them, talking with them, vibing with them but I chalk that up to me being a friend.

The three I really like are the Personal Trainer, Washington, and Mr. E. And to be honest if PT lived in NY this wouldn't even be an issue. And if Mr. E wasn't so busy this scenario wouldn't exist at all but anyway. I could be a girlfriend to any one of these men and potential be happy for a time but I want to be with the right one not just anyone. So I want to take my time making my decision.

2 issues arise from this

1. They may not want to wait. Which means I could miss out on that guy or if I make a hasty decision I could pick the wrong guy.
2. Once I decide he may say, "You know wat, on second thought, you're not the one for me".

*sigh* The last thing I want is hurt feelings on all sides. I don't know why I thought this would be easy.

Singleville... *smh*

...to be continued