Sunday, October 16, 2011

Lacking Trust

I'm not very trusting. (Understatement of the century). I've been hurt. People who I don't know who try to play me I don't really care what they got to say. You don't like me, that's fine. I'll live. The thing is I've been hurt one too many times by folks who are supposed to have my back.

Maybe thats why guys don't really approach me. I can be standoffish because I'm always waiting to find out what their agenda is, what they want from me. I'm a cool chick and loyal to a fault but I have to deem you worthy of that trust. Now I'm very selective of who those people are, I wish I was more selective when I was younger.

In any case, trust is a huge issue for me. I'm sure many can relate. It causes me to wait for the other shoe to drop in all of my relationships. My track record of break-ups to get back with exes, secret wives, when I really like someone I'm always waiting for the relationship to fall apart like it has in the past.

I'm SCARED. I'ma be honest. I hate dating because I'm scared to fall in love only to have the bottom drop out of my relationships. It seems almost inevitable. People's word nowadays is like garbage. Its crazy.

But you can't love if you can't trust. And I can't get married unless I find a man I love. I'm a work in progress.  It means letting go and not leaning on my own understanding. God is in control. Hopefully, I let Him take the lead instead of trying to make something, that I should walk away from, work.

... to be continued


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