Monday, August 10, 2009

I Wanna Be With You

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one whose in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There`s nothing more to say
There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

That Mandy Moore song is old but is so beautiful and captures an emotion that all people want to hear from another person. "I wanna be with you baby." I know I do. (I still remember how it made me feel back when I was a nerdy teen in high school.)

Last night in Singleville was an interesting night. Skittles calls me. (see Young Bucks on the Come Up ) Now when he does he usually gets me frustrated because he doesn't like to annouce himself. Now I always know who it is but its annoying. (I view it like a like kid game he like to play with me and it always reminds of the fact that he's still young) Your probably wondering why I don't just save his number in my phone. He doesn't have a phone so he calls me from all these random numbers. Saving any one of the numbers he calls me from would be useless and a waste of time.

Anyway, we usually don't get into anything deep when he calls. He tells me he loves me. I tell him ok, whatever you say. This goes on for a few minutes and then we hang up. (Ok I hang up) I know your thinking, "Man she's a bish to him." The thing is I've been hearing this song and dance for almost as long as I've known him. I've never taken it seriously because I just thought it was a little boyhood crush that I thought he'd grow out of. (He met me when he was 13 and I was 18.)

But last night, although that is how I thought the conversation would go, that's not how it went at all. Of course he said to me, "You know I love you right?" And I obligingly say yes. And then he says, "Why can't we be together?" He's asked me this a million times and I've given him the same answer a million times but last night he wouldn't let it go. Then he asks, "If we were the same age would we be together?" Crap. The one question I had hoped he'd never ask me. I had to answer truthly. And the answer is that its a strong possibility. Now I can't make any promises that it would be the case but if we were on equal footing I would seriously consider it. I shoulda told him know. But its just not in me to lie. And that would be a big lie.

The thing with Skittles is that I know that he wants to be with me and that he would treat me right. However, he has so much instability. He is still a kid (which is evidenced in some of the things he says) and while thats all good I haven't been a "kid" for a while now. My mindset and outlook has always been a mature one and I just don't think we are on the same level.

Trying to convey this to someone who says that they've loved you since the first time they saw you is an impossible task. He is still set on being with me and marrying me. I almost died when he told me that he wanted me to wait 7 years for him so that we could get married. In 7 years I'll be 30. And while its possible that I might still be single by then. That is not my goal nor my hope.

I guess for me, I'm just trying to understand why he wants to be with me with such intensity. What does he feel I will give him? Why does he give me such loyalty? It a little baffling to me, especially after some of the things he told me. He treats me with a lot more respect than all of the females he deals with. (he treat those other girls a little doggish :-/) Its almost like reverence. I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal because I will most assuredly fall off. So I asked him, "What happens when you get tired of me? What happens when I get old?" He said he'd never get tired of me and to him I'm not old *sigh*

Oh, boy. What girl doesn't what to hear that? Who doesn't want to be loved like that? But I've said it before and I'll say it again. You can't live on love alone. I wish you could but you can't and I need stability. I thrive on stability. I need someone I can lean on because so many lean on me. He is such a gray area. Nothing with him is black and white. And just the thought of teetering and struggling makes my palms sweat and my heart race. The only thing I could tell him is that if were meant to be God will make a way. (Cuz right now I can't see us together) He said he's been praying for that for the last 5 years. Lord have mercy. Would it be wrong of me to pray the opposite of his prayer? Yeah that's what I thought.

Now while I'm talking to Skittles I'm texting Mr. Feel Good. Now he is still in the friend category but we've been talking a lot lately. Like I've said before he is incredibly sweet and recently we've shared with each other some of our plans for the future. (I love a man with goals) Which was really nice. So last night were texting and I start to see him use possessive language. Basically saying your mine. This was kinda out of left field so I say, "I'm your?" And he says yes.

Ok...ummm. Then he asks me, "Are you my lady?" Whoa. Now I'm put on the spot. Both on the phone and thru text I'm being told I wanna be with you. And I'm speechless. I haven't even met Mr. Feel Good in person yet so how can I know if I'm his lady? I don't know what chemistry we will have or if I can see myself being with him like that. Plus, even though our text conversations are good anytime we have a phone convo some how I always end up turned off.

So last night I went to sleep exhausted and confused. I thought that by hearing someone say "I wanna be with you" everything would burst into color and I'd get all warm and tingly and then say it back with gusto. But last night I couldn't. Everything in me wanted to be able to but I just couldn't. My question is why did my heart ache a little?

Oh, Singleville how you confuse me so. Just when I think I've got it figured out something happens and it says, "Ha! Nope, you haven't figured it out quite yet."

I still love the song though. :)

... to be continued.


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