Holding Me Back

I like 6'8. A lot. But something is holding me back.

He is great. When we go out we have so much fun. Its flirty, its fun, its so nice.

So what is holding me back?

I feel like its a combo of things. 

1. Though it feels right am I ready for another relationship so soon?
2. His age is throwing me. 20 years is a HUGE gap.
3. I know that marriage is on his mind, is his goal sooner rather than later am I ready, stable enough for that commitment? If we were to get married would we be able to grow old together?
4. Do I want to raise my kids by myself in the event he did pass away. 
5. How will my family react to this relationship?

(Yes I do think about all these things.) 

I haven't even kissed him yet. The chemistry is there. Its electric but I can't bring myself to do so. I can't  kiss someone and not be all in. I want to be. It wouldn't be fair to not be available heart, body and soul. I don't want to give a piece of myself just like I don't want some one to only give me a piece of them. I want to be able to give all of me. Thats the only way I do relationships. 

I can't help thinking, "Gosh I wish he were 10 years younger" 

...and that my heart was totally free. *sigh*


... to be continued.

You're Not Animals

With all these scandals that have come to light in the media (Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Tiki Barber, Shaq, etc.) I have to say this...

I am so tired of people making excuses for men who cheat. I even heard one woman say it is in a Black man's DNA to stray. WTF is that?

"He's a sex addict. He couldn't help himself."

I don't want to hear another psychiatrist or "sex expert" try to give "scientific" (side eye) info for this phenomena. How about they just wanna f*$! everything they see and they know they can get away with it? When will we stop making excuses for bad behavior? When will we stop tolerating it? I will not accept that its ingrained in men to cheat. Not when I know that is not the case.

Its about self-control. And we all need to exercise it. Men don't have to stick their peen in everything that has a vagina. Sometimes men you need to keep that thing that swings between your legs in your damn pants. I'm sorry but the last time I checked only animals were the ones that could not control themselves.

The way I see it, gentlemen you should be insulted because they are reducing you to animals in heat that cannot control their basic primitive urges. Get a clue. You can control yourself.

You're NOT Animals!

End of Rant.

 ... to be continued  

I Seriously Considered....

getting back with Washington.

After we broke up my emotions were a wreck. Then after I visited him back in March all those feelings and how easy it was came back. Until...

We talked about my faith again. Everytime he would remind me why I broke it off in the first place. Now for someone who wants me back you'd think he would at least come to church when I invited him. (He would always tell me he would come to church if I asked. Yeah right.)

So we started hanging out more. He took me out for my birthday and we hung out 2 more times after that but I realized that nothing had changed to caused me to take him back. And he didn't want to change and I wasn't willing to compromise on my non-negotiable.

So now... I know I can't go back if all I'm going back to is what made me walk in the first place. What was the point of the break up if I go back and nothing has changed?

The problem is that I would want to be friends but there is still to much there. He's fun to hang with, I feel comfortable, and I can relax. When you're friends with someone you can agree to disagree on almost anything as long as your respectful about it. When in a relationship its different.

This is new territory for me. I've never done the ex as friend thing so we'll see if this works.

... to  be continued