Epic Fail

So I'm back with the full story of the fool who pissed me off royally last night.

So grab some popcorn, get settled and buckle your seat belts for this one.

Ready... Set... Go

Ok so, this fool started himself off on the wrong foot from jump street. I'm trying to look out for him so he don't get lost coming to my house. So I call him to ask where he at. He tells me where so I ask him some questions cuz I'm just trying to make sure he going in the right direction. He tells me "I can follow directions if they're given to me correctly." WTH?! First, strike.

Ok, so he finally gets to my house. I'm outside waiting and what does he say to me. No, not hi or how you doing. "Open the gate." WTH?! So I say, "If I wasn't outside you woulda had to open the gate yourself. This fool tells me, "I would of called you and told you to come open the gate for me." WTH?! Strike 2. (I shoulda left him outside my gate)

Ok, so anyone that knows my family knows we don't have AC (Don't look at me cockeyed. Talk to my parents about that one). So I tell him that my house is really hot we should sit outside. But of course he wants to see for himself. Fine. The conclusion he came to? We should sit outside. (Duh, I told you that. *smdh*)

So we go back outside and sit on my stairs and he says, "Why didn't you tell me you had a hot house?" I tell him because it never came up in conversation. You didn't ask and I didn't think about it. I'm the type of person who gives info when asked and I don't really think about somethings until I'm in the situation. You know what he told me? "Wow, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." This is definitely strike 3 and this fool acted like that was a perfectly acceptable thing to say. Really? My man got so many strikes last night I lost count.

You think things couldn't get any worse right? WRONG. What happened next has to be the start of the worst first date conversation ever. First thing he says, "My baby moms is so stupid." (This will become a theme.) He proceeds to tell me he can't stand her, she mad stupid cuz she lets her new man hit on her and then goes back to him, and she's now pregnant by said new man. Then he proceeds to tell me why he don't go pick his son up from her house no more cuz she tried to call the cops on him so his parents pick him up. (I didn't even know he had a kid. Nice intro.)

Then he proceeds to open his phone and make a phone call. WTH? I can't believe this. And the convo went something like this,

Where my money?
I need my money.
I'm in Philadelphia at this party.
You know I can fly anywhere I want.
I'll just hop on a plane to New York tomorrow morning.
Alright, just have my money ready, ok. Bye.

Besides this being hella rude. (I'm sitting right there.) He was talking to his Aunt! *SMDH*

So he tells me my block is mad quiet and that where he live the prostitutes walk down Sutphin Blvd. That the women fight over dudes in the street or they fight they boyfriend in the street and when he hit her she be jumping on him. They just so stupid.

Then he decided to tell me that I'm not West Indian because I wasn't born in Aruba or Jamaica where my family is from. Negro, (I really want to say the N word but I so despise that word even though he was acting the very definition of the world) don't tell me I'm not that which I know I am. I grew up in a West Indian household and just cuz I was born here doesn't change who I am. Fall back. My pissed off meter is rising.

So we get on the topic of dance lessons. And this is when 3 of the STUPIDEST things I've ever heard a man say came out his mouth. Men don't go to dance class, don't go to the museum, and don't go to church. Now with him saying men I think he meant real men because he was trying to say he was one. HA! (He is definitely not the definition of a real man. Trust.) According to him only gay men take dance classes and go to museums and churches are only filled with women. WTH?! Now I'm giving dude the side eye.

Then he kept telling me I was mad young. Now I get this a lot but the way he saying it made me sound like I was ignorant, stupid, and simple. Most people are surprised at how old I am because of how mature I am so his condescending tone was definitely rubbing me the wrong way. My temperature is rising.

This fool stayed on his phone the whole time. So I started texting my sister about this jackass. I'm laughing and he didn't even know that it was about him. Idiot.

Then he tells me he has TB. WTF?! But wait, he's not contagious. (Can you feel the sarcasm) He had to take B6 and vitamin injection for 6 months. I just rolled my eyes cuz even if its dormant in you (apparently once you get TB even when treated it never leaves your bloodstream but its not harmful to you any longer) I could get that ish. Not that I was close enough to him for all that but still. But his reasoning for how he got it is beyond ridiculous.

So, he starts off by saying "I was out with this girl at 42nd Street and her Metrocard didn't work so when I swiped she came in behind me." Pause. Any true New Yorker knows that 42nd Street station is the busiest subway station in the city. Cops are all over that place. So it was no surprise to me what he said next. "So I got stopped by the police." (Duh) "So I got arrested because I had a warrant out for my arrest." What follows next is the dumbest reason to have a warrant out for your arrest. He continues.

"I had a warrant out for my arrest because a year ago I was on my friend's stoop and the cops saw us and stopped. I swear cops stop you just for being black. They are so stupid. So anyway they come up to us and say to my friend what's your name. My friend said Shawnee. (Shawnee a dude but the way) So the cops start clowning on his name. (while the cops were wrong I will admit I giggled at his name too.) So I get tight and I get up to leave. So I grab my bike and the cop is like you leaving and I'm like yeah and he like why and I'm like because you clowning my friend. You mad stupid cuz that's not funny. (Why would you tell a cop he stupid?) So the cop says oh for real and I like yeah and he gives me a summons for having my bike on the curb. So the minute he drove away I torn the summons up. But cuz I didn't pay it, that day with the turnstile instead of getting a summons I got arrested. So I spent one day in jail and that's where I think I got TB. I couldn't of got it from the outside"

You should have seen the look on my face. Is he serious? He can't be serious. But he's like "Why would I lie about having TB. I would lie and say I didn't have it."

But it gets better. According to him all women are stupid. (He really can't be trying to impress me.) And we're crazy too because this girl her met he asked her to drive him to the store and while they in the car she get a call and its a dude and apparently she's all like awe baby I miss you and stuff. So he got tight and said something and the guy on the phone said who that and homegirl said oh that's just my brother. That's good for his trifling self. I wouldn't want anyone to know I knew him either.

He said his father was stupid because his father won't let him live in the other house his father owns (hmmm, that's his prerogative) and because he wouldn't buy him a coat his senior year of high school. (Dude, you 26. Let it go.) So I ask him where does he live. Fool says, "Oh, wow. You don't pay attention". (This is not the first time he's said this to me.) WTF?! Now I'm really pissed. At no time did he tell me that he lived with his parents. So now my sarcasm is in full force. I'm so done with this Negro.

So I say, "Could you stop talking to me like I'm helpless and stupid?" He says, "What did I say to make you think I think your helpless?" I pause cuz I also said stupid in that sentence, right and I told him as much. He say, "I know why you said I'm talking to you like you stupid but I don't know where you got the helpless from." WOW!

Now he talking about I'm hungry you should cook me something. Aw Hell Naw Negro. You disrespect me and my house and want me to cook for you? I give him a look like "fool you tripping" and I tell him the only places open around my house are Burger King and McDonalds. "Naw I don't want that." Then I can't help you Negro.

So after he told me a story about some cruise he went on, he made yet another phone call, and ignored me looking for a place to eat I had had enough. So I said "You ready to go?" He said, "If you kicking me out I'm ready." WTF?! Are you kidding me? So I'm like lets go and he's like can you carry my bag for me? Hell NO douche bag you carried it here you can carry it home. I shoulda let him find his own way to the bus stop but I, still trying to be nice, walked him to the bus stop. So we walking and there were these women walking in front of us walking slow. I already had in my mind I was gonna go around them but before I even got the chance dude says, "Can you walk?" and grabs my arm to pull me around them. I kindly pulled my arm out his hand and walked around the other way. Idiot.

So we get to the bus stop and I explain to him about the buses. No "thank you" did I get. So I'm waiting with him and finally (after 2 seconds) I'm like "You good here cuz I don't want you to get lost or anything." I'm being polite cuz there's a lot of different buses that go through my neighborhood. He say, "How can I get lost at the bus stop?" That was the benediction. I kindly turned around and took myself home.

Now I know you probably think that it ended with that. You'd be wrong. Cuz I wake up the next morning to the following text.

I made it home safe if you care.

Negro. What in the Name of ALL that is Holy is wrong with you? And then he has the audacity to text me.

Good Morning.

WTF?! Did I miss something? You disrespect me, treat me like ish and bascially call me stupid to my face and expect me to still want to talk to you? What drugs do you smoke because they must be real good. If you ask me sir your stupid, your simple, immature, and crazy as hell.

What's crazy is that all this happened in the course of 2 hours. 2 hours! It took 26 years to grow that dumbass, bootlicker and 2 hours to make me want to snuff him out. Lord Jesus you were my strength because I was vexed. I hope he knows he was an...

Just like this security camera is capturing nothing, neither was/is his brain.

...to be continued.

Update: Just want to let you all know that if you're flying out of JFK if you can avoid Delta Terminals 2 & 3 I would advise it cuz that's where this fool works. If not send up a prayer to heaven because this dude is the one putting the fuel in the planes over there and with his lack of common sense you'll probably will need to anoint the plane with holy oil.