The Settlement

In my list of long-term goals I should be engaged at some point in the next 6-9 months. Obviously, at the rate my love life is going that ain't happening. I'm starting to feel anxiety creeping up on me. When you feel anxiety you start to SETTLE. Of all the words in the English language this has to be one of the scariest for me.

Historically, in my relationships I put my guys needs, wants, desires not just ahead of my own but I throw mine out the window because I don't want him to leave me. Now, I ain't about that anymore. I want to be with someone who puts my happiness first just like I would put his but.. where we don't lose our identity in each other.

That being said when I feel like I'm not going to reach a goal I start doing things to reach the goal. I.e. making concessions where I shouldn't be. I'm tempted to look for my good on paper man. That guy who, when you go down the list of great qualities in a man he hits most of those things. he probably won't be drop dead gorgeous but he'll be sufficiently handsome, work hard, treat you well and he might bore you just a little. I had my good on paper man. And I was on the verge of settling. (I shudder even when I type the word). He had a good job, polite, a gentlemen, sufficiently good looking but there was no spark and he bored me to death. I remember standing at the crossroads of pursuing it or letting it drop and... I let it drop.

As much as I detest settling REGRET scares the crap outta me. I don't want to wake up one day and say, "What the hell was I thinking?". I want to feel good about my choices. That's probably why settling scares me. Regret usually follows it. Though I fear being alone, I'd rather be by myself then settle and regret the path I chose in life. Its a hard balance. I'm trying to focus on God's plan for me but trust is hard especially when the tunnel that leads to your forever is dark and you can't see behind, in front, to the left or the right.

I'm trying but some days and nights settling seems like a good option. Its just something within me that won't let it happen.

... to be continued