Questionmarked Future

After coming home one day last week and just crying, full out torrential rain tears this single girl is going to be honest with herself. I've been fighting it and biting the bullet but after months of not being able to see what direction my life is going in and having completely lost the ability to formulate a dream Cinderella-like or otherwise I had to admit that it is indeed true.

Everything I've been reading lately or interacting with keep screaming the same message at me, when you put all your hopes and dreams in the wrong people they are bound to be shattered and picking up the pieces is a painstaking slow process of recognition, forgiveness, and rebuilding. To say that I am lost is the true understatememt of this month, year, age, eon for me. I'm stuck in a box that I wish to smash to pieces, but somehow I've convinced myself its safer in the box.

I put my hope in a someone who broke my heart. I put everything on him, all the things I used to dream about, he was there, in the dreams with me. And now he's not. The thing is I don't want him to be. (Trust me I know you probably don't believe me but I am being honest) I just want my ability to dream back. When your dreams and future are attached to a relationship and it doesn't work out you don't just lose a significant other, you lose everything that matters to you.

This bothers me other than not being able to dream or seeing where I'm going but because I no longer feel I have anything to offer. The future comes with requirements and prerequistes that I seem to be lacking. Something that is daunting for a girl who has never missed a class or has always been the first one prepared. I wasn't prepared for this and who ever is. When I think about what I am supposed to be...?????

Question marks is all I see. I'm the person that I tell my young people to stir clear of. Lost and floating aimlessly through the daily fluff. My biggest concern is my career, stuck in a job I hate but no clue where I should be. My second concern is Mr. E. He is driven, he is focused. He works hard to acheive his goals. And I am floating. Grounded and floating don't work. Either the grounded person will be made to float or the grounded person will let the floating one go. OR the grounded one can bring the floating one back to earth.

But which category do I fit in and do I even want to be? I dont' want a man to save me. In my world of strong, independent women that not an option for me which means. I need to get myself together. But how when all I see is ????

Question Marks that pop up everywhere and I go no where which makes me depressed.

I feel like one lost in the desert. My soul is dry and searching for refreshment and cleansing from the dust and dirt and grit of life.

Where is this single girl's future leading???

There those question marks go again.

Lord help me.

Change My Life

The realization that I don't know where my life is going is scary and makes me want to hyperventilate. I have a job that I dislike immensely (hate is such a terrible word). All I wish i could do is quit but that seems like such a selfish want in a time when so many are struggling and are losing their jobs. Everything in me knows that this is not where I want to be. My parents keep telling me that I need to have another job before I quit this one but at this point if I don't find one soon, job or no job in my back pocket I'm gonna quit. I don't think I ask to much when I say I want a job that I'm motivated to go to. I'm not asking to love it, that is reserved for the blessed few who find their dream job or create it somehow. Maybe that is what I should do? But how? I feel like I'm hanging on by a thin thread. Soon something has to give. I have to change my life. The question is where do I start and how do get on the path I know I'm destined to travel? This single girl is looking for some serious guidance. Pray for me.

What Makes a Good Friend?

That is the question that has been on my conscience today? I'm beginning to wonder if I am a good friend. Last night I got a text from a friend basically saying goodbye to me because I guess I wasn't paying him enough attention. I can't say that I was shocked. I already felt as if I was blowing him off time and again because other things came up. What is fact is that I am busy, and sometimes things get lost in the hustle and bustle of my life. Not that that is the greatest excuse in the world but I was trying. I often wonder about the amount of effort I put into my friendship relationships. Do I try hard enough? I'm not the most social or outgoing person and 9 times out of 10 if given the option to go out or stay in I'll stay in. The thing is that I cherish my friendships and people who are my friends mean a lot to me. Even if I don't reach out it doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about them or praying for them. I'm just, I don't know, not the type to call people on the phone (text is more my style), I'm not a spontaneous hanger outer, not the type that this world says makes a good friend. What people don't understand about me is that I can be just as content by myself as if I was out with friends. Nevertheless, I wish that I was a better friend and at this point I'm just frustrated because I can't figure out how to be that without totally destroying my comfort zone. Being constantly on edge doesn't a good friend make either. What is the happy medium? How do I make time for my relationships when I'm pulled in all directions and every thing and one wants my attention? What would make me a good friend?

Grandpa

I went to visit my grandfather who is 91 and suffering from throat cancer. To see someone you love in pain is so difficult. You wish that you could take the pain away. You could see and feel that he was in pain and all I could do was sit and watch him. Yet, at 91 he is one of the strongest people I've ever know. His faith has never wavered, his handshake is still strong. He is who I want to be when I grow up. Life isn't an easy journey but when you see someone who in the midst of it all can still smile, still have hope, still be strong in spirit and faith it inspires you to live a life so much better than mediocre, so much richer, so much strong than where you currently are. A part of me wishes he could live forever, his death will leave such a void in the lives of my family. But knowing that one day I will see him again and it won't be how I just saw him makes my heart glad. Even as I wanted to cry I thank God that he allowed my live to be aligned with such a great man of God. A legacy passed to my dad, down to me and hopefully to my children. I love you Grandpa. Well done.

Too Nice?

Over and over again my family tells me I'm too nice. In light of what has happened in my life the last couple of weeks (my overeager phone caller and the inappropriate older man) I can't help but wonder if this is true. Do I have some misguided sense of trying to save people's feelings at the expense of myself? Yet I've been told that I also can come off as mean and unapproachable. So which is it? Am I too mean or am I too nice? I seemingly can't win. In a world where kindness can get you killed and meanness gets you labeled a bitch where is the happy medium? For me I want it to be said of myself that I was a person who considered everyone's feelings with respect and tact. But maybe I'm missing something and life doesn't allow us to be nice without opening ourselves up to strangers, wierdos, and crazies. If a smile or a kind word means that you could potential give the wrong person the wrong idea does that mean that we no longer do these things? Is this single girl supposed to not grin and bear it?

My Break Up Soundtrack

These are some of my favorite artists. I usually go for mellow, sultry ballads during break ups. For some reason they are comforting to me. Their flow is like a soothing caress in a way. And even if you're not broken up its just great music.

How Does It Feel by Anita Baker

Best of Album by Roberta Flack

Take your pick by Anthony Hamilton

Shaking My Head

In light of the whole Chris Brown, Rihanna circus I feel that I just cannot not comment (please pardon my use of double negatives). This is wrong on so many levels and its partly the fault of the American public. If this was our sister, aunt, mother, cousin who got the crap beat and bit (literally) out of her we would want her to be in a secluded place far away from her attacker. Instead the intimate details of what she went thru are leaked to the media and plastered on every website known to man. What happened to protecting the victims? Then we standby and watch as she then goes back to her attacker and no one expresses outrage. Its insane, he still gets to be on the "Kid's Choice Awards" while she had to cancel tour stopped because her bread and butter was smashed in. Where's the justice in that?

This poor girl, if Brown is acquitted, will definitely be beat again because no one would have stepped up to help. What galls me is the fact that he felt he had the right to hit her when he was the one in the wrong, that the woman who he was cheaping with was herself an abuser (he's 19, she's 40 and his manager and this has been going on for 2 years. We can all do the math), and we're walking on eggshells and coddling the perpertator inside of supporting the victim. Everyone; Brown, Rihanna's father, the hip hop industry; they all trifling. But this should be no surprise there, hip hop promotes the abuse of woman to use them as sex objects and beat them emotionally and physical until all there self-worth is in the toilet. This situation has the makings of getting a lot worse. I wish I could just shake Rihanna and plead with her to let him go cuz thats not love but soul ties are serious things (if you don't know I'll drop some knowledge on you). The fact remains this: he will beat her again and next time her assistant may be calling the morgue instead of the LAPD.

This single girl digresses... for now

It all happened in 3 days

Remember the old guy I was tutoring that took a very twisted turn. Tell me why he called me, on my phone. Emailing me is one thing, calling me went to far. I had to bring in the calvary (aka my parents) to set the situation straight. After a series of phone calls my quite outraged dad made I got an apology and a promise that it won't happen again. What disturbed me the most? He's 60 years old and has kids my age. Major violation. My aunt needs to make better choices in friends.

My serial caller continues to call. Its starting to work my nerves and to be honest i wouldn't even still be talking to him if I wasn't trying to witness to him. He has a lot of questions about God and salvation but I can't help but wonder if he's just using that to try to get with me. Either way I'm a use this opportunity to invite someone into the kingdom. Even if it works me nerves a bit. To God be the glory right?

Finally, last night Mr. E emailed me. After some time without communication I wasn't sure how the email would affect me. As usual I felt the butterflies flutter in my heart. I realized that as much as I may want to shelf this relationship for fear of getting hurt my heart and my head won't let me. Interestingly enough the first thought that came to mind was that I need to wait on the Lord because he is patiently working on me. Even though I wish things to progress faster with Mr. E God keeps telling me to wait on Him for my wants, needs, and desires. This is a real test for me but if history has taught me anything its that waiting on the Lord is the hardest thing to do but the best thing for you.

So guess what, this single girl will be waiting. But isn't it amazing that all this could happen in just 3 days. If I wasn't living it I wouldn't believe it.

Overeager on a Blah Night

Last night I got home feeling like crap. I was tired and I was alone. So I curled up in bed, put Selah and Crystal Lewis on my CD player (yes I still use one of those), and went to bed. When I woke up this morning wasn't I surprised to find 9 (yes 9) missed calls on my phone from the same guy. Now you would think after the 1st and 2nd no answer maybe I'm not near my phone or maybe I'm alseep (which I was) and you'll call tomorrow but 9. This from a guy who last week told me he couldn't talk to me anymore because he wasn't over his girlfriend yet. Is this overeager, desperate, or just plain sad? I don't know but it made me feel a little better. At least I wasn't the one doing the calling.

The Last 2 Weeks

Ok, so this single girl went from having no attachments to having her phone, IM, and email blowing up daily to once again nothing. In an effort not to write too much I will cut to the chase rather than drag this out with poetic flowery words as can be my habit. I found myself talking to 2 guys on AIM who proceed to invite me over to their house to do only God knows what. (Needless to say I didn't go.) Then have then both call me separately only to have one totally bash the other while still maintaining "but he's a good friend though". Not from what I heard. From that incident I came to this realization: Men can be more catty than women. To say that I'm glad that situation has run its course would be an understatement. On top of this (to set this up I tutor people in math, mostly through email and over the phone, sometimes and my aunt asked me to help out her very dear friend with some problems through online correspondence) in the midst of doing a good deed the gentleman, a much older gentleman, a much older married gentleman begins to send me email outside of tutoring that begin to feel like come ons. When he told me that talking to me made him feel "like a school boy" I thought to myself, "Oh Lord what is going on?" Then when he told me that through our conversations he could tell i was fascinating, scintillating and very sensuous, I knew he was definitely coming on to me. The icing on the cake was when he asked if he could call me. That did it. Some "dear friend" he was. Where else can you find guys that would bad mouth each other so they could hook up wit me and a married man hitting on a woman more than half his age in some twisted midlife crisis math lesson? Only in Singleville.

Myster E

I hope you like the play on words because he is a mystery to me. I met this guy, we will call him Mr. E, in what will be a year in April but we have yet to go out on a date or see each other since that first initial meeting. We've talked through email and we have good conversations but now we talk less and less. This is one of those things were everything about this screams loser, move on but he seems like a genuine guy (who is a work-a-holic in every sense of the word). I'm starting to feel the shelf live of a potential romance beginning to expire. The pressure of defending someone when you have no true basis expect for a feeling you have in your gut is starting to get to me. The question is, when do you put a relationship that could have potential on the shelf and just operate in friendship mode? If only men came with manuals. I'll keep you posted.

Single Female

I am a single female, obviously from the title of my blog. In a world where being single is like having the plague you are constantly asking yourself what is wrong with you. What am I not saying? What am I not doing? Am I sexy enough? Am I too sexy? Is there a personality flaw somewhere? What's wrong with me? Everywhere you look you see competition. The girl with a big chest. The girl with a big booty. The girl with a big chest AND a big booty. The girl with that hourglass shape where everything fits her just right. The girl that is so gorgeous and statuesque she should be a supermodel. Its had to look at yourself and think that you're a catch. The thing is that we all have our flaws and idiosyncrasies that make us unique and desirable. The hard part is the waiting. But even those who have some one they still feel they are in competition. They still feel there's threat to there womanhood. If we didn't all see the drama of The Bachelor this week I for one am happy that I am single. We probably all coveted what we saw; the dates, the romance, the paradise. And then we were brought back to earth with the very real public break up. In my personal opinion I think that I'd rather have that then be with someone and always be wondering. But we realize that even the "beautiful people" get hurt and that sometimes being single is a blessing.