Saturday, March 28, 2009

Questionmarked Future

After coming home one day last week and just crying, full out torrential rain tears this single girl is going to be honest with herself. I've been fighting it and biting the bullet but after months of not being able to see what direction my life is going in and having completely lost the ability to formulate a dream Cinderella-like or otherwise I had to admit that it is indeed true.

Everything I've been reading lately or interacting with keep screaming the same message at me, when you put all your hopes and dreams in the wrong people they are bound to be shattered and picking up the pieces is a painstaking slow process of recognition, forgiveness, and rebuilding. To say that I am lost is the true understatememt of this month, year, age, eon for me. I'm stuck in a box that I wish to smash to pieces, but somehow I've convinced myself its safer in the box.

I put my hope in a someone who broke my heart. I put everything on him, all the things I used to dream about, he was there, in the dreams with me. And now he's not. The thing is I don't want him to be. (Trust me I know you probably don't believe me but I am being honest) I just want my ability to dream back. When your dreams and future are attached to a relationship and it doesn't work out you don't just lose a significant other, you lose everything that matters to you.

This bothers me other than not being able to dream or seeing where I'm going but because I no longer feel I have anything to offer. The future comes with requirements and prerequistes that I seem to be lacking. Something that is daunting for a girl who has never missed a class or has always been the first one prepared. I wasn't prepared for this and who ever is. When I think about what I am supposed to be...?????

Question marks is all I see. I'm the person that I tell my young people to stir clear of. Lost and floating aimlessly through the daily fluff. My biggest concern is my career, stuck in a job I hate but no clue where I should be. My second concern is Mr. E. He is driven, he is focused. He works hard to acheive his goals. And I am floating. Grounded and floating don't work. Either the grounded person will be made to float or the grounded person will let the floating one go. OR the grounded one can bring the floating one back to earth.

But which category do I fit in and do I even want to be? I dont' want a man to save me. In my world of strong, independent women that not an option for me which means. I need to get myself together. But how when all I see is ????

Question Marks that pop up everywhere and I go no where which makes me depressed.

I feel like one lost in the desert. My soul is dry and searching for refreshment and cleansing from the dust and dirt and grit of life.

Where is this single girl's future leading???

There those question marks go again.

Lord help me.


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