Big Changes Coming?

Our of the blue Mr. E hit me up the other day and it thru my whole world upside down. We haven't talked in a year and a half. Maybe it was because the holidays were coming up. I don't know. Everytime he make surprise visits in my life something happens and its usually a relationship something. However, I'm not in a relationship, not even close to being in one.

Maybe I'm making this a bigger deal then it really is. Maybe nothing is gonna happen. But I've work myself up over this. Sometimes I wonder if I use his pop up appearances in my life to force me to make decisions in my life relationship wise. Whenever I'm trying to get comfortable in my relationship status BAM! here he comes.

Whatever it means even if its nothing I'm anxious and I don't like it. While I know that change at times is necessary I don't like it. And I'm afraid that whatever awaits me on the horizon I won't like that either.

*SMH*

... to be continued

Open Letter #3

I often think about you. What you look like, how you smell. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of what you will look like. When I lay in bed at night i wonder what your doing and if you're ok. I say the same prayer every night;

Lord keep him safe. Watch over him. Keep him from harm and danger. Prepare his heart for me and prepare my heart for him. Bless the work of his hands. Help him to find me and me to find him.

I imagine what our life, our love will be like but I can't stay there too long. Longing and sadness will begin to fill my heart. Bitterness and envy will begin to fill my soul and that is not what I want in my life.

I often wonder why we are apart when I want you to be near. Everything happens in time and there is rhyme and reason to everything that happens in life. My head knows that but my eyes cry tears of frustration cuz all I want  to do is carress your face or hold your hand or look into your eyes or see you smile or hold you close. Things we often take for granted. Things we desire sometimes more than air.

All I can do is imagine how you look and feel and smell and taste. For now I pray; that the bitterness will not creep in, that my hope won't die, that the tears will stop falling, that God will keep you safe, and that the rhyme and reason will make sense to me. And wait till the day that I find you and you find me and I can finally stop dreaming cuz it will be real.

All my my love,

Your Future Wife

Not Taken Seriously

I was told today (or yesterday) that why I talk I can come of like I don't know what I'm talking about.
*Pause* While this is being told to me I'm think, so people hear me talk and think I'm stupid?

I'm a nerd! So, if people think I don't know what I'm talking about they won't take me seriously. I'm so not happy. I'm a soft spoken person and its already hard for me to speak out loud. I'm used to be being out talked, ignored but I hate to not be taken seriously.

More and more I feel like I'm not taken seriously. And it hurts. Have you ever just hit a, what the hell am I hear for moment. I have worked so hard my whole life to be heard and now that I am people think that what comes out makes no sense? I'm frustrated beyond belief.

Its depressing to watch someone's face go blank on you while your mid-sentence all the wind gets taken out of you. It makes me wonder truly what I am doing. I often wonder if  I could become invisible again like I was as a kid when I didn't say anything.

Maybe I am too sensitive. At least that's what I've been told. But everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be taken seriously.

Unfortunately in my life, both personal and professional I'm just not. *sigh*

My world has been rough lately and ... it still is


.... to be continued

Life Isn't Always a Fairy Tale...

I'm a person who can get lost in a book. My head in the clouds. I've been so many places, with so many people in my fantasies and imagination.

I was a dreamer. I was a person who looked for happy endings and silver linings.

Often enough life changes you. Maybe I grew up too sheltered. Maybe I lived in a bubble... that's finally been burst. A glass house... now shattered into a million pieces. A tower of cards... now knocked over.

I miss who I used to be. I really liked her. This jaded miss has finally broken. She's realized that you don't get older, fall in love, get married, have babies, grow old together in the span of a two hour movie. Sometimes your alone, by yourself, ...Single

We don't always get what we want when we desperately want it. We don't always have it waiting for us when get done living, running, funning. We don't always because....

Life Isn't always a Fairy Tale

...to be continued

This is Just How I Feel...

Dr. Conrad Murray should not have been convicted and Coach Paterno should not have been fired.

They were SCAPEGOATS

We need someone to blame. We always do and those who don't do the actual misdeed seem to get the greatest punishment.

I know that people disagree with me but...

This is just how I feel

... to be continued

Common is...

SEXY AS HELL!
Yes he is honey. Look at them eyes, freckles and those lips. Oh my goodness those LIPS! I just wanna... oh boy do I wanna. Lol.

That is all.

... to be continued.

Mr. Postman

I debated whether or not to post this because he isn't a prospect, he can't be anything but DELICIOUS eye candy. Lol.

The gentleman that picks up priority mail packages from my office is FINE! Lawd have mercy. When I first started my new job I sat in the front behind the receptionist. So I got to see all the delivery, couriers and mail men that  came to the office. The receptionist told me he was good looking but she didn't adequately describe that he is built like a tank, is tall, has a beautiful smile and an ass you can bounce quarters off of.

I had the HUGEST crush on this guy. Like major. I hadn't had a crush like this since high school. It was insane and even worse, I had this crazy feeling he was married. No man is that fine and don't have a woman. However, every time I tried to check his hand he had on gloves. Smh.

Then just at the height of my crush, they moved my seat at work. Lol. So I didn't get to see him anymore and for my benefit because I was beginning to obsess and even as I write this I'm starting to sound crazy. lol.

Anyhoo, one day I happened to be in the front while he was doing a pick-up. I got all flirty as I usually do and he was talking back like he usually does and something told me, "Check his hand". Guess what I saw...

A wedding ring. 

It was like a bucket of freezing cold water was dumped on my head. Why do I post this story now, when this happened months ago? Because I saw him at work and he is still fine. It's like... WHOA!

But wedding rings make men off limits. 

I tell you what though, I need to get me some of that. The question is, where do they grow men like that? Someone please let a sister know.

...to be continued.

Excused

This is such an asinine show. Google it. It's worse than the other late night dating shows that used to come on UPN9, like Blind Date. Ugh!

All I know is that if I got excused off that show it would NOT be pretty.

That is all.

... to be continued

I'm Not a Mack

Why do guys assume I get more play then I actually do?

I was talking to a friend of mine today and he said,

"I know you get hit on all the time."

6'8 had also said this to me before and I'm like how do you figure because in actuality... I don't.

It's interesting the perceptions people have of my love life. Since I can remember guys always assume I'm getting hit on or dating a lot and I'm not. Well at least not by people I want to get hit on by. I do get a lot of starers. Like they are afraid to talk to me or something but they like what they see. I had a lot of that on my way to work yesterday. Anyhoo, I'm not a mack people.

If only perception was reality.

.... to be continued

A Cynic's Thoughts - She's Got Her Own

Was listening to this song earlier today and the first thing to pop into my head;

"This is just another excuse a dude will use to go dutch"

She's got her own so she don't need mine. Oh please. *eyeroll* Lol.

Is that wrong to think? *shrugs*

... to be continued

A Cynic's Thoughts

I think I'm becoming a cynic. I've been watching sappy movies all night and all it keep thinking is... That's a load of bulls#@%!

I don't want to think like that but for me my love life has yet to have that happy ending which makes me wonder if it only happens in books and movies and to everyone who is not Lady Dee. Lol.

I've always been critical but my cynicism is increasing, sigh, and I don't like it. Oh well.

... to be continued

Mail-Order Husband

So, in the crazy recesses of my mind. I've been thinking about the possibility of advertising for a mail-order husband.

Its crazy I know. I've been reading a lot of stories about mail-order brides recently. I'm fascinated by history and I have come to feel a kinship with these women in these stories. So of them fictitious and some of them real. They are ladies who felt unwanted, past their time, unpretty, plain or damaged, and lack confidence; like this was their last hope.

I've felt all these things on more than one occassion. I sympathize with these women who put all their hopes and dreams on a man they had never met and barely knew but for a few letters. This I know but sometimes when your at the wits end... you do some crazy things.

Maybe... I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind over this marriage and babies stuff. Sometimes when you want something so bad it starts to consume you.

My biggest fear is making a decision out of desperation. Marriage for me is forever. Its a big decision that I have to live with til I die. I want to make the best choices possible but my choices feel limited and that makes me anxious. Gosh, sometimes I wish I was a man.

...to be continued.

When Your Heart Won't Listen to Your Head

Washington won't let me go.

I'm going through the cycle in my life when the desire to be married is really strong. Its usually once a month that this really strong urge comes along to be coupled up and it sucks because that's when you make bad decisions.

And Washington won't let me go.

I really don't need this right now. I am so tired. I need to meet the right man and my heart wants that person but sometimes our heart can be clouded by our desires so I need to keep my head clear. This is the time of no compromises.

But he won't let me go... ugh

... to be continued

Hot-Blooded Italian

Oh chile my office just got a lot more sexy. A few weeks ago a new guy started in the research department at my foundation. Fresh off the boat is this fine as hell Italian god. I ain't even lying, every woman in my office done swooned when he started and when he smiles at you... thats probably how he gets women to drop their pants... that smile.

Anyway, he is tall gorgeous smile, great teeth, black hair with gray at the temples (I love my older men), long legs *sigh*. And the accent, Oh the ACCENT. Every time I see him I'm like, "Damn, he's fine". Wow, he's a nice distraction in the middle of the day.

Wish I could take a picture to share with all of y'all but I think he would become a little suspicious if I just snapped a photo of him. Lol.

Just thought I'd share. I gotta make a trip to Italy. They say Italian men are fine and after seeing an Italian Native up close I am convinced!

... to be continued

I Know You Mad But...

Do you have to speak in a raised voice while talking on you phone at the entrance of the subway during rush hour so that everyone knows your boyfriend cheated on you and got the other girl pregnant?

You mad but Wow. He told her old girl poked holes in the condom like that's an excuse for cheating. SMH.

By the way it is not eavesdropping if the person is talking loud enough for 30+ people to hear.

But anyway, c'mon we get it he's a douche now take your conversation to your house.

... to be continued.

MyLife.com

Was watching a comercial on TV. You know the one's where they say, "Look whose searching for you today. You don't want to miss out" or something like that. I usually don't do this cuz its just a ploy to get your email and spam you to death but I caved (Thank God I have a junk email address). I signed up for free, they be tripping thinking I'm gonna pay for this. And guess what?

Ain't no one looking for Lady Dee. :(

Why this made me feel some type of way? Lol. Why do we put so much importance on being "looked for" on these sites? Of course we want people to seek us out. Its something to do with our ego and the desire to be wanted or thought about even if we don't want and/or aren't thinking about the person wanting/thinking about us.  Its how we're wired.

It shouldn't matter but it does. Life is funny that way.

... to be continued

Do You Miss Me?

I hate when a guy asks me that. What am I gonna say, "No"? Really? Maybe I should, just to throw them off. I mean really, you want me to yes so I say yes. If I miss you I'll tell you. You fishing and it puts me on the spot.

I don't like it.

... to be continued

Lacking Trust

I'm not very trusting. (Understatement of the century). I've been hurt. People who I don't know who try to play me I don't really care what they got to say. You don't like me, that's fine. I'll live. The thing is I've been hurt one too many times by folks who are supposed to have my back.

Maybe thats why guys don't really approach me. I can be standoffish because I'm always waiting to find out what their agenda is, what they want from me. I'm a cool chick and loyal to a fault but I have to deem you worthy of that trust. Now I'm very selective of who those people are, I wish I was more selective when I was younger.

In any case, trust is a huge issue for me. I'm sure many can relate. It causes me to wait for the other shoe to drop in all of my relationships. My track record of break-ups to get back with exes, secret wives, when I really like someone I'm always waiting for the relationship to fall apart like it has in the past.

I'm SCARED. I'ma be honest. I hate dating because I'm scared to fall in love only to have the bottom drop out of my relationships. It seems almost inevitable. People's word nowadays is like garbage. Its crazy.

But you can't love if you can't trust. And I can't get married unless I find a man I love. I'm a work in progress.  It means letting go and not leaning on my own understanding. God is in control. Hopefully, I let Him take the lead instead of trying to make something, that I should walk away from, work.

... to be continued

Note to Self

Never ever, ever, EVER again give your number to a man unless you absolutely, positively want to get to know him better. Otherwise, tell him no. This way you will avoid the situation you are in now.

That is all.

... to be continued.

The Settlement

In my list of long-term goals I should be engaged at some point in the next 6-9 months. Obviously, at the rate my love life is going that ain't happening. I'm starting to feel anxiety creeping up on me. When you feel anxiety you start to SETTLE. Of all the words in the English language this has to be one of the scariest for me.

Historically, in my relationships I put my guys needs, wants, desires not just ahead of my own but I throw mine out the window because I don't want him to leave me. Now, I ain't about that anymore. I want to be with someone who puts my happiness first just like I would put his but.. where we don't lose our identity in each other.

That being said when I feel like I'm not going to reach a goal I start doing things to reach the goal. I.e. making concessions where I shouldn't be. I'm tempted to look for my good on paper man. That guy who, when you go down the list of great qualities in a man he hits most of those things. he probably won't be drop dead gorgeous but he'll be sufficiently handsome, work hard, treat you well and he might bore you just a little. I had my good on paper man. And I was on the verge of settling. (I shudder even when I type the word). He had a good job, polite, a gentlemen, sufficiently good looking but there was no spark and he bored me to death. I remember standing at the crossroads of pursuing it or letting it drop and... I let it drop.

As much as I detest settling REGRET scares the crap outta me. I don't want to wake up one day and say, "What the hell was I thinking?". I want to feel good about my choices. That's probably why settling scares me. Regret usually follows it. Though I fear being alone, I'd rather be by myself then settle and regret the path I chose in life. Its a hard balance. I'm trying to focus on God's plan for me but trust is hard especially when the tunnel that leads to your forever is dark and you can't see behind, in front, to the left or the right.

I'm trying but some days and nights settling seems like a good option. Its just something within me that won't let it happen.

... to be continued

Open Letter #2

Dear Black Men,

Why is it that most of the good ones are married? So what's left for a single girl when it seems the rest are:

• Unemployed or
• Gay or
• in jail?

And the 3% left after that want to date everyone else but black women. From a black woman who loves black men, What up with THAT?! 

Come on fellas,

Lady Dee

Older Men & Me

I like older men. No question. They are distinguished, they've lived and ... I'm an old soul. Now I'm not talking about any run of the mill older guy. For me they look a certain way, carry themselves a certain way, have a personality that draws you in, are intelligent, ooze experience and are FINE!

I find that I don't always click with men my own age. And sometimes where men are concerned, they get better with time. However, I'm noticing that I don't get a lot a play from guys my age to begin with. I wouldn't say I'm model gorgeous but I'm a good looking girl. I'll be 26 next year (I can't believe it actually) and I can't get a guy in his twenties to give me a second look but let a man 40 and older get a gander at me and they be eyeing me hard on the train, on the street, etc. Its a little unnerving.

Even the security guard in my building at work has been macking it to me hard. The other night as I was leaving to go home he told me i need to leave the boys alone and be with a man that will treat me like a princess. Unfortunately for him he looks to fatherly, and he's probably old enough to be my father.

That being said I'm 4 years and 5 months (gotta be precise) from 30. I'm not getting any younger and as I get older this doesn't seem to bode well for me. Eventually I'll catch up to the age of these older men and they'll be looking for women who are 25.

I don't know what to think. How can I already feel passed my prime in my twenties? There is something seriously wrong with that. Maybe I'm not in the right space to meet men who are not old enough to have birthed me. Like I said I like older men but these men that have been eyeing me aren't my cup of tea. And the ones that I've seen that are... are married. *sigh*

So is my life. Looks like my mother's wish that I wait till I'm 30 to get married will come true. Not cuz I want it to but because I couldn't get a date unless I walked to a guy naked and told him to come home with me. Ok, maybe that would work but I ain't doing that. Lol.

My resident older man, 6'8 is a tempting settlement. He wants me something fierce, he's not my cup of tea looks wise but there is a connection between us. I just don't want to settle. (More on that later) I don't love him which for him is okay. But its not for me. Now if 6'8 looked like Boris Kojo, or Sherman Moore or Lance Gross it would be on like Donkey Kong (That game was popping back in the day. Lol.). But he doesn't and I know I sound shallow but I like what I like. And while I like 6'8 I don't like the fact that when I'm out with him I don't want people to know I'm with him.

I did that looooooooooong sidebar to say that I love older men but I don't want to feel like that is my only option and that I have to settle. *gasps for air* You would think I talk this much in real life. I don't. Lol.

...to be continued

All Things New

This has been the year of all things new!

I have a new job which I love. The people are great, my boss is great, and I love what I'm doing.

I have my own spot. Yes! *does fist pump*
Its a studio apartment; its quiet and its all mine! My place is bigger than some 1 bedrooms I saw. I've been here since August and its been great.

I'm chugging through my Masters degree. This is my 4 quarter and I have two more after this one. I can't believe it. The next question is: Then what? I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

No man but all the ones I thought I left behind won't seem to go away. Washington swears I'm gonna marry him eventually, 6'8 just wants to spend time with me, and Mr. Feel Good... well yeah him too. I like my freedom but there are nights when... I want to feel a man's arms wrapped around me.

That isn't new but I'm embracing all the new things that are coming my way.

...to be continued

I Wanna Shop

I have moved out of my parents house so now I am on a budget. I love my independence but it has put a huge strain on cash flow. While some people eat when they feel down I shop. I love getting new things. Coming home and knowing that I have a package waiting for me is such a rush.

When I feel down it's my therapy. Lately, love seems to be in my face constantly and I ain't got it. Lol. Its depressing. I feel things I don't want to feel, I wish for things I don't got and envy those who have it. I don't like this.

That's why I want to shop! I miss my high. However, I don't want to be homeless. So I gotta find another way to deal. Any ideas?

...to be continued

Ghosts in the Closet

We all have them. Those things or individuals we regret doing or knowing. Those things we hope people never learn about us. Those things we wish we could take back. Those individuals you wish you never gave your number to, those dates you wish you never went on. The choices you wish you could redo.

Sitting at my kitchen table I was thinking about those ghosts in my closet. One of them resurfaced not to long ago. Mr. Feel Good, you can look for him in some of my old post. To give some back story. He's the guy that I was talking to that up and disappeared on me without a trace, and then I started getting mysterious collect calls from jail. I now know that it was him calling. How you might ask? It has been two years and a few weeks ago he had his friend contact me to let him know what happened to him. I was so taken a back it took me some time to get a grasp on what/who.

So many questions swirled through my head. It made me wonder, what type of impression did I make on him to have him reach out to me after all this time? How did he still remember my phone number? Why are you in prison?

Long story short he asked me to write to Mr. Feel Good and send him a picture. Then Mr. Feel Good called me himself from jail and left me a message on my phone. (BTW, didn't know you could do that in prison. Leave messages that is.)

The great debate is do I write or do I bury the ghost back in my closet. The thing is I already wrote the letter. It is sitting in my bag, each day I say I'll mail it but I hesitate. I want my questions answered but I don't want him back in my life. I've been watching a lot of prison shows recently (I have a morbid fascination with prison, crime, addiction shows. Don't know why.) and I feel bad for him. But I'm not that girl. I don't accept collect calls, and I don't put money on accounts, and I don't date men who break the law. But my curiosity...it ain't no good. I can't help wanting to know if he's ok and what happened in the one day we didn't talk that got him put away.

More than that, it made me ask myself, "What is it about me that attracts men who are damaged, projects, or old, like I'm their last hope?' What do I find so intriguing about them? Why do they keep coming back, keep popping up when I think I have laid them to rest? I don't get it. Am I not attractive to those who don't have issues?

Or Is it me?

Is it me?

...to be continued

Quick Update

Well lots of things have changed in my world.

1. I am single once again. I have been for a while.
2. I finally (Praise the Lord!) got a new job. 
3. I now have my own place.

For a girl who doesn't like change since my last post in December I have done a whole lot of it. Its been good and I've had time to think and reflect and I've made the adjustment fairly well. I've found I like being by myself.

My fear: That I'll like it a little too much. I haven't been on a date in months and ... I don't know. Life has been quiet but interesting. I've let a lot of men go from my life, I told Washington off and I feel myself wanting less to settle for just anything and really looking for what I want. That's important to me. I've turned a corner. Looking forward to what more is to come.

...to be continued.

Lady Dee is Back

I was gone for awhile and I'm back. With a new outlook and a new approve to this blog. I'm once again single and have experienced quite a few changes in my life. I realized recently that I missed bloggin. I missed writing about the experiences in my life, the struggles of being a single female, and just being able to vent.

This time around my posts will be more reflective, honest, open. This is like an online journal. I may be the only one feeling what I feel or experiencing what I am experiencing but... maybe I'm not. Maybe someone will relate, maybe they won't but either way...

Lady Dee is back.

...to be continued