This Fool Got to be Kidding Me!

So you remember Trig right? (if not see previous blogs Social Calendar, Playing With Fire, What's Going On, etc.) Well this guy has been more trouble then... well I've never had this kinda trouble before.

First off, this got off to a bad start for two reasons. One, on our first date weed fell out his pocket. (Not a good look) Then right after our first date (like 4 days after) the place he was staying at got raided by the police. (Double not a good look) So you must be wondering why I was still talking to him and gave him a second date?

One: Foolishness. I will admit that. When they say curiosity killed the cat I should of been shot dead. Lol. Two: He's sexy as hell. (This was the source of the foolishness.)

We'll because of the raid his stuff got destroyed and long story short he needed money. Didn't want to ask any of his family member so he decides to go to NC where a friend will help him out (how?, I don't know and I don't want to know) But how is he gonna get there? He asks me. Did I help him out? I did (See what foolishness and pity does? I really felt bad for him though) but it was like $80 no big deal to me. I ate that. So he goes to NC.

Fast forward to all the drama and BS he trying to put me through with not answering my texts then getting mad because according to him I wasn't talking to him enough. (I am not your girlfriend, pump your brakes my dude.)

Super fast forward to this past Friday. I just got a new phone (its gorgeous by the way) so you know the whole deal with transferring numbers and stuff (a pain in the butt). So I get a text from a number I don't know. So naturally I text back, "Who is this?" Can you guess who it was?

Yep, Trig. I'm like what the heck is going on, did I not copy the number right? Nope. My man changed his number. (This is the second time. The first time he changed it after the raid. Now I'm getting suspicious.) Of course I ask why and he's like "because I got in trouble". So I'm like what kind of trouble? He's like "I got arrested". Of course I ask for what and I get, can you guess? Crickets. Like always. This guy pisses me off.

So later that night he texts me back that his phone died. (Wateva and rolling my eyes) So he tells me what he got arrested for. Trepassing and possession. (Why does the latter not surprise me.) So all the while I thinking, "this fool better not ask me for no freaking money". What does he do? You guessed it. Asked me for his fine money so he don't have to go to jail. Has this fool lost his mind?! Do I look like the bank? He wants $500 from me because he was the idiot who trepassed and got caught with drugs on him? Are you serious? He must of thought I was crazy. I definitely told his dump behind no. (I did it nicely though cuz guys egos get bruised so easily.)

Then he texts me, "By now you probably know you shouldn't be dealing with me right now?" (Don't you love it when people state the obvious.) So he'll be going in soon and I really hope he doesn't call me collect while he in there cuz it will be denied.

But anyhoo, there is another fool to talk about. That same day (actually about the same time Trig text me asking for money.) I saw my Ex. Now usually I'm nice to him (even though he warrents a slap) but after that ish I was being scarcastic to him as all get out. Well I was with my girls (My Sis and Tee) and he starts to talk up my friend Tee (she can't stand him by the way) and she's like what the heck? (For the record I just thought he was being the butthead he usually is but my girls saw it as more than that). So we about to leave and he follows us (why I don't know) and in the process asks Tee who has a piercing near her lip if he can pull it and then proceeds to reach toward her face to do. Has this fool lost his mind?! So she moves away and comes down to where me and my sis are. Normally I woulda shook my head and kept it moving but the 3 of us turned into the bird gang for real. Came at him really ghetto like. (It didn't help that he then tried to tell us that he was having a convo with Tee and that he didn't need me or my my sis's input. Why did I date him again? Got no clue cuz his behind is rude.) All of us with our voices raised, fingers pointing, necks turning, saying the exact same thing, "If you talking to one of us you talking to all of us". It wasn't till I got home that I was like what the heck was I doing? I think that the culmination of everything snapped something in me. I just could not get over the audacity of these two. I try to present myself better than that but something gave in me that night.

So that was my Friday. There's never a dull moment in Singleville.


...to be continued.

Done before it even started

Well I told you about Spike like a post (or two) ago. I spoke to him last night and I found out that we are from different religions. In a romantic relationship that's a deal breaker for me.

Don't get mad at me for this. I believe (and my Bible tells me) that you and your partner should be of like mind. Especially because I hope that my life in singleville will be short and that I will move to marry-wood soon I'm constantly looking at things that could cause issues down the road. This is one of them. When you start talking about kids (I want to raise mine in church), my life in ministry (at my church), my family (my father is the pastor of my church) dealing with someone who doesn't think as you or believe as you does not a happy relationship/marriage make.

So he has been moved to the friend category which isn't a bad thing because I can always use a friend who is goal oriented, challenges me mentally and can open my eyes to new things. But I am a little sad. I was actually looking forward to where this could have gone.

But (sigh) as far as having a romantic relationship? Its a no go.

Another one bits the dust. :(

...to be continued

'Aun Existe Amor' gets me every time

Beautiful songs that bring on the water works, at least for me anyway.

Aun Existe Amor by Celine Dion

When I first heard this song I had no clue what she was saying but it moved me in such a powerful way. I knew the song was about love and she sang the words with such an urgency. When I looked the words up and realized what she was saying...it was the most beautiful thing in the world. "Love Still Exists"

Aníron by Enya

This song is on the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack (I know, I'm such a geek. lol.) Aníron means "I desire" in fictional Elvish language. Hearing it in the context of the story nearly broke my heart because the two lover desire to be with each other but face the mortality in love. It begs the question, "is it better to love and lose than to never love at all?" I'm a real sucker for romance.

This Woman's Work by Maxwell

I first heard this song in the movie "Love & Basketball" and I fell in love. It evokes an emotion that you just can't explain and it gets me every time I hear it.

Conversation

I don't know about you but good conversation just does something for me. Tuesday night I talked to Spike (he works in media). The conversation blew my mind. Its probably because I was having a grown up conversation. Conversation that stimulated my mind, caused me to think and dialogue about important isseus. And I could use big words and he knew what they mean. (Heaven). This guy knew his mind, where he was coming from, and where he was trying to go. It was bananas. The only hang up is he is 12 years older than me (which isn't a problem for me) and he says he only dates women 10 year older or younger. Thats the cut off and I just miss the mark (sigh). But I must say I was really feeling the conversation and the thought of having more convos like that made my body tingle.

When you deal with guys like Spike and Mr. E you have to be on it and get some act right because they don't have time for games. Not that I play games but lately... I need to get myself back on track because I want to attract the Spikes and Mr. E's of this world. Intelligent, sexy men, with goals, that happen to be black and aren't gonna give you BS.

We'll see what happens. Either way, I'll have procured a friendship with Spike cuz I like to be around people with awareness of current issues. Keeps my mind sharp.

But I'm hoping that maybe something else will come from it (its rare to find a 6'2 brotha that works out both his body and mind). But time will tell.

And Mr. E... (sigh) Time will tell that too.

...to be contiuned.

Wednesday Night

Last night I saw Mr. Smith. All I'm gonna say is I love his tongue... (naughty smile)

And therein lies the danger. This single girl needs to send up a prayer otherwise she's going to travel down a dangerous road.

...to be continued

My Shoes Are Coming!!!!!

This a sidebar from what I usually write about but I was just so excited.

For those who know me they know I'm a shoe fanatic (not an addict cuz I can quit anytime. That sounds like something an addict would say doesn't it? lol). Anyhoo, I haven't bought a pair of shoes in such a long time. So the other day I was browsing Nine West's online store (this has become my new favorite shoe store) and of course I went to the sale items (i love shoes but I'm not gonna break my bank over them). Now usually I just look because their shoes are so expensive but the sale was amazing. I'm talking shoes that were $80, $90 now just $30. They were calling me. And having been in a shoe drought (the styles right now just haven't been grabbing me lately) I bought 4 pairs plus a handbag (it was on sale too ;) ). They are the cutest sandals! In total it came to $164.95. Not too much damage and not bad for 4 pairs of shoes and a bag (thats $33 per item roughly).


So I check my email this morning and I see that they've shipped and are slated to arrive today. I only ordered them 2 days ago. I am so stoked. I get such a rush when I get home and they're waiting for me. I'm jumping up and down on the inside (I very well can't do it here in my office).



I can't wait!

Battlefield

My new favorite song is Battlefield by Jordin Sparks. Its been in my head for the last couple of days. Its probably because that is how I'm feeling about life right now.

Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?

Isn't that an excellent question? Friday night I saw my Ex and it brought back a lot of feelings I thought I had got passed. Lately he's been reaching out to me through friendly gestures but after all thats happened I don't really trust his motives. It got me thinking, if he came at me with, "Can we give this another try?" I know my answer would be no (actually Hell NO) but I would have to fight with everything in me to not get caught up in his whirlwind. He hasn't changed at all.

Saturday night Trig sends me a text saying "When u and ur family was having that talk u must have felt some type of way". WTF?! When I text him back to find out wats going on what do I get, No Answer. This is becoming a common occurence. By now I'm a little pissed off because first of all, I don't have time for this. My dance show (which was fabulous by the way) was in like less than two hours and I was trying to get ready. Second of all don't send me these guilt trip text messages to make me feel bad when I've done nothing wrong.

So finally I call him. Forget hello I went straight to, "What the heck is up with the text you just sent me?" I get the, well I haven't heard from you in a while (we all know I tried to contact this dude, he blames it on his phone having problems. Me, not buying it). So I say, its a two way street you want to talk to me you can call me (thats a novel idea.). So now that he's got me on the phone I'm like so whats up? What does he say? I've been going through some stuff I can't even tell you about it now. WTF?! You say that you miss my company that you want to talk now you have me to talk and you don't talk. I'm now more pissed. Finally he tells whats been going on, I try to be supportive short of extending myself too far (after all we've only been on 2 dates). Afterward he can't get me off the phone fast enough and drops well when you get a chance call me. We hang up and I'm like, did I miss something? I'm a your girlfriend? Impossible because we had the relationship talk (I drop it on them early) and you said that wasn't what you were looking for but then you get upset because I'm not breaking my neck to be with you. When we hang its cool but you don't want the same things I want plus you are in another state right now. Honestly, I'm not the one.

Then J on Sunday busts down with "I just want a faithful, good girlfriend thats on the same page as me." (be careful what you ask when you send someone a text. All I said was "Hey" but I got a lot more than I bargained for) My mom was getting on me for not getting with J and I kept telling her that there was just something I couldn't put my finger on about him that turned me off. Now I know what it is: He's too NEEDY. I feel bad for him cuz he's a good dude but he needs to tone that down. And I really hope he understands I'm not auditioning for the part. (I hope we don't need to have another talk)

Then last night with Jordin singing in my head I'm dreaming about Mr. E and we're in bed together sleeping (and thats it) and he wakes me with a kiss to my neck but then like as if I was in a music video I'm sitting on a bed with this new guy I'm talking to (we'll call him Spike). I'm sitting on his lap facing him and our heads and bodies are close together. At the climax of the song I find myself torn between the two of them and they are fighting over me. ( It reminded me of Helen of Troy and how Troy and Greece went to war over her. Good story by the way) I came awake thinking that would be the worst possible thing that could happen, me torn between two great guys and hoping I pick the right one. Great start to a day huh?


Why is love such a fight. I get that if you acquire something easily you appreciate it less but my goodness is trying to fall in love and finding the one supposed to be this complicated, hard, annoying, and gut-wrenching?

"you better go and get your armor"

I guess I better.

...to be continued.

Laundry

Ok, so I spent all morning in the laundromat. All morning. And now I'm wiped. My eye lids are drooping as I type. But as I spent the better part of 3 hrs washing clothes (I haven't done laundry in months) it got me thinking...

Its so easy for the issues of life to pile up and like I was doing with my dirty clothes, we just toss them into our "hamper" until it piles up so much we can't ignore them anymore. My feet hurt from all the standing, my arms and shoulders hurt from lifting the heavy clothes bags (yes, bags) and our hearts and mind get weighted down by the "life laundry" we let sit in the corner.

If we dealt with the issues as they came the load wouldn't be so burdensome but we get so busy in the day to day tasks of life that we push our laundry to the side until we can't stand the sight of it any longer, we don't have any more clean underwear or it stinks to high heaven. (mine is no more clean undies, lol, must do laundry then)

I always wonder what issues I'm just throwing in the corner until laundry day?

Are those things what hold me back from my destiny? Why I have trust issues? What make living in Singleville so hard almost to the point of unbearable sometimes?

Your girl is tired but she can't help but wonder, if she continues to throw the "laundry" in the corner will it be too much to clean up when laundry day arrives?

...to be continued

Mr. E

This man gets his own dedicated post.

I finally told him that I was frustrated with the way things are going. What does he write back "what can I do to make it up to you?" Shivers is what I got.

So his pot on the back burner is starting to simmer. We started talking and the topic of me being his girlfriend came up and he said "thats a lot of responsibility babe, you ready for that??" Am I ready for that? Is he kidding? I've been talking to him for over a year. I'm way passed ready. Did he even know that just saying that made me want it even more. I do understand where he's coming from cuz his life is hectic and relationships are a commitment but I'm looking for commitment and my life is hectic too. Who understand hectic better than someone else whose life is hectic?


It's so crazy because I could have all the other guys I talk to, no problem. Not hard, don't have to work at it but Mr. E (sighs)...Monica says a line in the song "Angel of Mine" "now I know why they say the best things aren't free". When you have to work for something you appreciate it that much more. He's a challenge to me and I love challenges and to be honest as frustrated as I am if he wasn't a part of my life it'd be a tragedy. Cuz he's changed my outlook on so many things. All the guys I talk to now are benefitting from me knowing Mr. E.

I am feening for this man. The other night I had the sexiest dream about him and when my alarm rang the next day I was beyond pissed cuz I didn't want to wake up.

Now this doesn't mean that I'm not seeing other guys because he didn't say I was his woman. (I've learned the hard way that unless the man claims you the relationship ain't real and vice versa. I don't care how bad you want it, if the other person don't it ain't happening). Now if he did lay claim to me all them other dudes would be cut off so fast they wouldn't know what to do or how it happened.

But my hope is up. Because at least I let it be known how I feel. Thats whats most important. For too long I've sat on the sidelines letting stuff just happen. I want to be proactive now.


It is kinda bad though when I'm on a date and thinking about Mr. E but I just can't get him out of my system nor do I want to. I'm excited to see where the ride takes me.

Mr. E (shivers)...oh boy.


...to be continued.

What's Going On

I love that song by Marvin Gaye. They just don't make men like him anymore. But anyway, that's a side bar. I haven't blogger in a while so I think I'm overdue in that department.

What's going on in Singleville?

Well...

J is talking to me again. After a week. I felt I should give him space considering our falling out last time we talked. Things are back to normal, which has me suspicion but maybe that's just me being cynical.

T-Bear broke a date with me last weekend cuz he slept through it . I know, but he's forgiven (so now were even cuz I broke our date the weekend before). I gave him a time out for a while and besides I've been iffy about him from jump. He's just a really cool guy. However, if he doesn't step his game up he will be forever relegated to friend status. Interestingly enough, my parents and sis not big fans so it looks like the scale is not leaning in his favor.

Trig thinks he's cute but he ain't. He went away for a few days which is cool (thats not why I'm bad. I'm actually glad he did) and then (on like the 4th day in) he hit me up talking about you don't talk to me no more. Wait. Pause. I hit you up before you left (no answer), the day you left (no answer), and then again on another occassion. Can you guess what I got? Thats right, NO ANSWER. He playing games with the wrong one. How can you talk all the crap you did the last time I saw you (talking about we should move in together [WARNING: when a guy tells you y'all should get an apartment together after going out with you twice and he has no job there's a problem] and making plans for when he comes back) then not answer my messages? He in for a rude awakening when he finds out the last time he saw me was the last time. I don't have time to deal with all that he got going on. I don't care have fine you are or how well you kiss.

Mr. Smith is new (you can read more about him in my blog post Kissing). He's sweet and works in a school which I thought was the cutest thing in the world. He's close to his family and all of that is so sexy. On that alone he'll get a second date. Whether or not he gets a third and fourth is up to him.

...to be continued.

Kissing

I was gone for a minute... now I'm back. I'll tell you about the new developments but first I must talk about this topic. Kissing.

Many people think that kissing is overrated. To those people I say, you just ain't doing it right. I'm a very passionate kisser (so I've been told on more than one occasion by more than one person), which gets me into all kinds of trouble. I equate kissing to how you make love (since I don't actually have sex) because its a good indicator of your intensity; whether you take charge, like to take things slow or fast, are aggressive or like to mix it up. And if you can't get me hot with a kiss... well

I've been fortunate enough to have participated in some really hot and amazing lip locks. Some really playful, others that we're so intense I almost forgot I abstain, and still others that felt like he would eat me if he could. All of my kissing experiences have been good...till now.

Yesterday, I was out on a date with a new guy (we'll call him Mr. Smith). The date was progressing nicely we played a nice icebreaker game, good convo, and all that. Well, he offers to give me a massage. I'm down with that. It started out tame but somehow situations always get escalated when it comes to me and men. Well, he rubs oil on my back and legs (I have clothes on) and it's feeling nice and then he's tongue is on my back (I'm really feeling this) and he licks me from the top of my shoulders to the top of my butt. Then on my legs. But its all in good fun no one is stripping or anything.

Then he starts to get intense. He kissing my neck like he's starving (which is not necessarily a bad thing cuz that is my spot) and he's is really turned on (I'm thinking ok, I think he's enjoying this more than me but thats not necessarily a bad thing either). Before I knew it he flipped me over and we began kissing. Now it wasn't terrible but it was so fast. He was pumping his tongue in and out of my mouth, it was like we were in a race. At one point I just didn't know what to do so I was kinda just staring at the ceiling. I felt like that scene in Love and Basketball (if you haven't seen this movie you should) when Monica & Q are making out on the grass and his tongue is moving and he's devouring her mouth and she's just tryna keep up. I wasn't bored just flabbergasted.

I'm a person who likes to take it slow and build up the intensity but his intensity was already up and I couldn't reign it in. Which made me wonder, "If we were having sex would this be how it would go? Him pumping mad hard and fast and me staring at the ceiling flabbergasted?" :/

He is very attractive, he's in good shape, and he has a lot of the qualities I find sexy in a guy personality wise but... kissing is important to me. So he has one more (maybe 2) date(s) to make up for that kissing experience. Maybe he was really excited (he told me the thing that first attracted him to me was my lips so maybe the anticipation of kissing them sent him over the edge). I don't know.

But, I'll keep you posted.

Timeout

I'm thinking about putting myself on a self-imposed man timeout. My count is up to 4 with possibles (sounds like I'm counting books for a game of spades). I'm on male overload. And some of them are starting to get on my nerves. Lord have mercy. I need a break.

And there's still Mr. E... I can't help it.

...to be continued.

Test your flirting style

My Quiz Result: You are a big flirt. You know the tricks of the trade.

Take this quiz: Test your flirting style.
Take more myspace quizzes on love, personality, and other fun topics. Also see myspace surveys and myspace quotes.



I have all the tools to be a big flirt but not for being in a committed relationship. Something is wrong with this picture.

Breaking Up is hard to do :(

For the past 3 days I've been on relationship overload. My mother and sister recently have been concerned about the choices I'm making dating wise and sat me down on Sunday to discuss it. I can't say that I disagree.

Countless times I've said I'm not the one to drop my player card but taking a good hard look that's exactly what I've been doing. ( to my sister's joy, now she's not the one that's all screwed up. lol.) My mom says I don't know what I want. The thing is i do but what I want doesn't seem to be out there. So as I say one thing, I do another out of some misguided fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. In essence, I'm settling. (Ugh!)

The bottom line. All the guys I've been talking to recently are not the one. Trig contradicts himself way too much. As fine as he is he's not the guy for me and I'll end up tied to him for life because I'll get comfortable and overlook the gross discrepancies in his words and actions and kisses. (Its ironic the last movie I saw with him was The Break Up). T-Bear is nice but I don't feel any chemistry between us and besides he's way to cynical. (coming from me that says a lot). And J, is supposed to be my friend but wants to be more than friends and keeps putting expectations on me that I can't and won't live up to. (its kinda like talking to a girl trying to run a guilt trip on you).

The consensus is (my mom, sister, and dad) that I need to let them all know before they get attached that we don't have the same goals. Problem is I know they are all attached already. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Its inevitable that someone will get hurt.

But my mother would say, "I don't care about them. I care about you and you getting hurt."

How did a casual dating experiment become so complicated? I know that they are right but that doesn't mean I look forward to it. You want to please everybody but you can't. I know if I propose friendship they'll probably tell me go f-myself but is that the price for happiness?

This is why I hate dating. At this point I'm tired of juggling and soothing and making everyone happy. I'm exhausted and frustrated and need a man break.

What about Mr. E? Well... Mr. E is still Mr. E but Damaris now is trying to be more of a mystery to him. And if it doesn't work out life will go on. But I think I'll hold on to him a little bit longer.

Breaking up is hard to do especially when you were never in a relationship to begin with.

... to be continued

Playing With Fire

Yesterday I turned up the heat with Trig. Normally I'm not this crazy but Mr. Hyde reared her quite pretty (since its mine, lol) head again. Now I'm only talking about im-ing on aim. (If I was taking about a face to face encounter the title of this post would be On Fire). But I let myself reveal a side of myself that most people don't get to see. (Who am I kidding. Almost no one sees it unless...you've kissed me before.)

I'm playing with fire because I know he's a very sexually person and though I am too (not to the degree he is though) I know that I made a promise to abstain. So why did I engage in the freaky talk? Because as much as I hate to admit it his sexuality intrigues me. I find myself wondering what has he done, what is he willing to do, and it goes on and on and...you get the picture.

My ultimate goal is marriage (I ain't down for flings). Although I'm a Christian and I wish my future husband to be one too, lets make no mistake I don't want him to be a virgin. I want to be with a man who knows what he's doing and I'll take my ques from him and will be able to freely express myself without feeling like I'm doing something inappropriate.

For me experience is sexy which probably explains my fascination with Trig and Mr. Hyde's ability to come out so easily with him. I have no fear of being judged by him. Warning: This can lead you down the path of sleeping with this man. Yes, this I know.

Everything in my head is telling me to be on my guard. My body is yearning for some action. And my heart, is still wrapped up in Mr. E for reasons truly unknown to me.

I know that fire can burn and cause damage but I find myself fantasizing about that fire a lot more than I should.

This weekend I enter the danger zone as I have a planned date with him. I'm still debating whether i should cancel. (He most def will be pissed if I do.)

The question is: How do I come out of the fiery pit unscathed?

Only if Jesus is in the midst. (A Bible story just hit me)

Pray for me cuz its summer time, I'm all hot and bothered, and if this fire don't get extinguished soon it's gonna turn into a full blown inferno.

...to be continued.

All Hot and Bothered

Lately it seems I'm horny all the time. (Can you even say that in a blog?) I can't turn it off and its for no good reason. If I was married this would be a non issue. I would get my husband to handle business. (Disclaimer: I'm not advocating getting married just to have sex.) But I'm not married and I abstain so I'm suffering. What bad is that I know of some one who could set me straight no string attached. (He shall remain nameless.) But then I would be going against my beliefs. But its not getting better. I am so stressed out with everything in my life and this is only adding to it. I think I might go insane.

I find myself praying for willpower even as my mind wanders to some naughty place.

As a single Christian how can I hold myself to the standards that I've set and that God has set and still survive in the dating jungle? How do you not allow your urges to control the type of man you let into your world? (unconsciously sometimes we choose the guy who will give us immediate gratification and not the one that will give us lasting gratification)

This single girl is struggling but I have to keep trusting that God will send me my prince charming. Hopefully soon, I mean I won't die but when God does finally present this man to me I don't want to scare him with my ferocious appetite. Lol.

All a girl is asking for is some peace. Is that so hard?

...to be continued

Well...

Today was an interesting day. I had to ask myself "is my loneliness is driving my current relationships?" Why am I holding on to Mr. E when he obviously isn't holding on to me? Since when do i have a "I would sleep with you category"? Why do I accept less than what I'm worthy of?

Well...

When will it all make sense and my dreams come true?

Living in Singleville is painful and ... I'm sleepy.

...to be continued