Battlefield

My new favorite song is Battlefield by Jordin Sparks. Its been in my head for the last couple of days. Its probably because that is how I'm feeling about life right now.

Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?

Isn't that an excellent question? Friday night I saw my Ex and it brought back a lot of feelings I thought I had got passed. Lately he's been reaching out to me through friendly gestures but after all thats happened I don't really trust his motives. It got me thinking, if he came at me with, "Can we give this another try?" I know my answer would be no (actually Hell NO) but I would have to fight with everything in me to not get caught up in his whirlwind. He hasn't changed at all.

Saturday night Trig sends me a text saying "When u and ur family was having that talk u must have felt some type of way". WTF?! When I text him back to find out wats going on what do I get, No Answer. This is becoming a common occurence. By now I'm a little pissed off because first of all, I don't have time for this. My dance show (which was fabulous by the way) was in like less than two hours and I was trying to get ready. Second of all don't send me these guilt trip text messages to make me feel bad when I've done nothing wrong.

So finally I call him. Forget hello I went straight to, "What the heck is up with the text you just sent me?" I get the, well I haven't heard from you in a while (we all know I tried to contact this dude, he blames it on his phone having problems. Me, not buying it). So I say, its a two way street you want to talk to me you can call me (thats a novel idea.). So now that he's got me on the phone I'm like so whats up? What does he say? I've been going through some stuff I can't even tell you about it now. WTF?! You say that you miss my company that you want to talk now you have me to talk and you don't talk. I'm now more pissed. Finally he tells whats been going on, I try to be supportive short of extending myself too far (after all we've only been on 2 dates). Afterward he can't get me off the phone fast enough and drops well when you get a chance call me. We hang up and I'm like, did I miss something? I'm a your girlfriend? Impossible because we had the relationship talk (I drop it on them early) and you said that wasn't what you were looking for but then you get upset because I'm not breaking my neck to be with you. When we hang its cool but you don't want the same things I want plus you are in another state right now. Honestly, I'm not the one.

Then J on Sunday busts down with "I just want a faithful, good girlfriend thats on the same page as me." (be careful what you ask when you send someone a text. All I said was "Hey" but I got a lot more than I bargained for) My mom was getting on me for not getting with J and I kept telling her that there was just something I couldn't put my finger on about him that turned me off. Now I know what it is: He's too NEEDY. I feel bad for him cuz he's a good dude but he needs to tone that down. And I really hope he understands I'm not auditioning for the part. (I hope we don't need to have another talk)

Then last night with Jordin singing in my head I'm dreaming about Mr. E and we're in bed together sleeping (and thats it) and he wakes me with a kiss to my neck but then like as if I was in a music video I'm sitting on a bed with this new guy I'm talking to (we'll call him Spike). I'm sitting on his lap facing him and our heads and bodies are close together. At the climax of the song I find myself torn between the two of them and they are fighting over me. ( It reminded me of Helen of Troy and how Troy and Greece went to war over her. Good story by the way) I came awake thinking that would be the worst possible thing that could happen, me torn between two great guys and hoping I pick the right one. Great start to a day huh?


Why is love such a fight. I get that if you acquire something easily you appreciate it less but my goodness is trying to fall in love and finding the one supposed to be this complicated, hard, annoying, and gut-wrenching?

"you better go and get your armor"

I guess I better.

...to be continued.