Lurking in the Shadows

I know I've been talking a lot about the MC lately but there are still others trying to make a play for this single girl so its time for some updates.

1. Mr. Smith - We are just friends. I've been checking in on him every now and again and I think we are in a good place.
2. Mr. Feel Good has disappeared. Literally. I don't know what happened. HE want from hitting me up everyday to nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I hit him up twice to see whats up. No answer. *shrug* Oh well. I hope he's ok.
3. Honey - He almost lost his spot with me. Would call him. No answer. Then would call me mad late at night and ask me why was I up? (huh?) So finally I stopped hitting him up. Miracle of miracles. He's back. Wants to hang and talk. He's getting a little bit of a side eye but we'll see. He's dug himself a serious hole.
4. Spike has been trying to get back in my world something fierce recently. Like very recent. Sending me texts talking bout, he just checking in after not taking to me for weeks. Then today he laid it on real thick. Wants to see me real bad apparently. The question is, do I want to see him? We'll know by the end of tonight.

On another note, tell me why one day I was checking my voicemail and it seemd I got a collect call from some county jail talking about my limit is up and I have to setup an account to receive anymore. WTF? Who in the hell is calling me collect from jail? I was so taken aback by that I had to laugh. Whoever it was you done called the wrong girl. I can't help you.

Singleville, I knew that after last week's quietness this week was gonna be crazy but man this is NUTS. I'm told I think I love you and my lurkers are coming out of the shadows. *smh*
What is Singleville gonna throw at me next?

... to be continued.

I Think I Love You

Whenever a man asks you "Do you believe in love at first sight?" after three dates warning signs should flash and sirens should blare. When the MC texted me this, why did I pray that he didn't say say "I love you." What he texted was just as bad.

I Think I Love You

How can he know that? Yes, I do believe in love at first sight. I believe that you can know if you want to be with someone instantly, that you can feel a pull so strong that you know you are meant to be with that person forever, and that butterflies will flutter in your stomach uncontrollably. I just wouldn't go to that person after hanging out 3 times and tell them I think I love you. Rejection is a ... you know.

So I understand that but... I guess I'm just a cynic. I don't understand why he would feel that way about me. And to be honest this gave me pause.

I think he's a great guy, I enjoy the time I spend with him but those 4 reservations are constantly in play in the back of my mind. I hate to admit it but I thought to myself, "I wish that a certain someone else was telling me this".

I just don't feel what he feels at this moment, telling me he feels like we are soul mates and that I'm stuck with him. I'm trying to figure out if this is game he trying to run on me. What's his angle? What does he feel that I can offer him that makes me worthy of forever? Why is he so ready to settle down now? Is it me specifically he wants or is so ready for marriage that any woman would do?

When someone tells you they "think" they love you it shouldn't cause more questions than answers. While I'm flattered I'm also FREAKING OUT.

I don't want to hurt him. Lord help me.

... to be continued.

Don't Hurt Me

My heart melted when the MC told me this. What could I say? One of my biggest fears is hurting someone the way I've been hurt in the past. Being hurt by someone that you care about can be so destructive. That probably explains why I can be so closed off to men. It takes me a while to let them get close to me because I know that if I allow myself to care about them and then they hurt me it will be a tough thing for me to get over.

So when the MC told me, "Don't hurt me" I felt some of the ice around my heart start to melt. I told him I wouldn't because I know how it feels to be hurt and I truthfully don't want to but those 4 reservations I had keep nagging at me. Will I be able to handle all that he wants from me? At this point I don't know.

Even when you have the best of intentions is it inevitable that you will hurt someone? *sigh*

Singleville...

... to be continued.

Why Does He Smell So Good?

I mean it should be a crime for a man to smell that delicious. That man is the MC. I saw him Tuesday night. The minute I got in his car I immediately got hit with his most amazing scent. I thought to myself no man is supposed to smell this good. I don't know what cologne/soap combo he uses in the shower but its working for him cuz your girl was all twisted up.

His skin looked all smooth and creamy and he was playing my favorite songs on his stereo (Jodeci, New Edition, Sade, etc). Don't know what it was but I was feeling a type of way. My body was mad revved up but you'd never know it by looking at me. I was just so relaxed and mellow (and mad sleepy lol).

And he kept licking his lips. Let me tell you about these lips. Just juicy, plump lips. I just kept looking at them. It was like they were calling me. It took every ounce of self control to keep me from leaning over and kissing him. Lawd have mercy.

Then he asked me if I wanted some gum (I said no) and he started talking bout lips and I'm like "He wants to kiss me." It was way past my bedtime at this point so I'm about to go in my house and get in my bed. So I go to hug him and his lips were just there waiting and ready and... I hit him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Lol.

I know, ya'll thinking, "What the heck?" But I'm trying out this new thing called making them work for it. I've rushed into doing the physical before. Kissing on the first date and all that and it didn't exactly work out for me the way I wanted so I thought I'd try something different. Hey, it couldn't hurt right?

He didn't seem mad and if he was then I'd know he wasn't really into me in the first place. Besides, it builds up a little bit off anticipation. Cuz if he kisses as good as his lips look... ooh chile I'ma be in trouble. Lol.

But what crazy is after we hugged his scent was on my clothes and I was all sniffing my shirt like a fiend. Lol. I'm telling you smelling that good should be a crime.

Singleville is smelling really sweet ;)

... to be continued

Is It Wrong? To Admire Members of the Same Sex

Ok, so here is this week's "Is It Wrong?"

Is it wrong that I think woman are beautiful and that I admire them? People will be quick to throw in the sexually aspect. I'm not sexually attracted to them I just like beautiful things. I think God's creation is beautiful and I can see why men be killing themselves over us. We working with some really dope equippment. Lol. If I think a woman looks pretty I'll say to myself wow her body is bangin' or she has a gorgeous face or I just love her shoes. Do I check women out? Sure. I check everyone out. I even check myself out when I feel I done nailed my look for that day. I'm a people watcher. I mean the first thing I check out on a women is her shoes (I'm a shoe fanatic so I want to see whats new and hot), just like the first thing I check out on a man is his walk. (I do it all covetly of course) I just feel like its so taboo for people to admire those of the same sex. If you gotta say no homo everytime you say someone of the same sex looks good its taboo. I say if your smokin' hot you are (male or female) and I won't hate, I'll appreciate your beauty (while I quietly wish I had it like that). To me its all good. Hey, I think Jada Pinkett-Smith is one of the baddest females out there. But is it wrong?

... to be continued.

Introducing the MC

Ok, y'all I have to introduce you guys to the new prospect I briefly talked about in my last post. We will call him the MC. I'll explain the name in a minute.

So at first I wasn't sure if I was gonna blog about this guy cuz I wasn't sure it would go any where. He hadn't quite made it to prospect status yet. I met him on my way to the hairdresser. Yes, I met him when my hair was looking frightful. Lol. Now I was walking and I saw him approaching me out of the corner of my eye so I was trying to get to the salon before he could stop me. (Obviously I didn't make it.) He was nice but at that moment I wasn't really trying to talk to anyone and when I look back on it I was kinda rude (for me anyway) cuz I was trying to hurry up and get my hair done. I just wasn't feeling right cuz I knew my coif was looking busted. Long story short I gave him my number.

First time he called, absolute horrible timing. It was my sister's going away BBQ (tear) and I was prepping meat, running around, I was just busy. So I told him I'd call him back. Which I didn't. Not on purpose though. From that Saturday to the next was just so crazy with her packing and then leaving I just didn't have the time.

Then as I was thinking about the goings on in Singleville the last couple of months I said to myself, I have all these goals and standards that I want to meet I need to let these guys know up front what I'm about and let them decide if they can handle it. (I was riding high after reading Steve Harvey's book) So when I sent Mr. E my email I also sent the MC a text and it read

"Hey. I'm sorry I haven't called you.
Its been a crazy week.
But I don't know if I'm the girl for you.
I'm waiting til I'm married to have sex,
I believe in Jesus,
and I'm very involved in my church.
If you're down wit that cool.
But its up to you.
If u don't contact me again I'll understand.
I just thought you should know before things went any further."

If any of you are looking at me cockeyed tough noogies. Lol. I think I'm gonna take this approach from now on. I'm trying to weed out the good apples from the bad ones.

Anyway, I hadn't heard from him in 3 days after I sent that message so I thought maybe he ain't down with it and chose not to contact me no more. No worries cuz like I said I didn't really consider him a prospect yet.

I was wrong. On the third day this is the message he sends me

"Hey I just really read ur textes
I had my personal issues but ur religious beliefs r cool wit me
just as long as u don't force ur way of life on me
I may not b as spiritual as u
but I do know Jesus.
We will talk."

So we did talk 2 days later and I saw him last night. He seems to be a really nice guy and he told me his whole life story. Seriously. I just listened and I was really intrigued by his life experiences. Why is he called the MC? Because apparently he used to be up and coming in the rap world. Rubbing elbows with some serious heavy hitters.

While that was impressive its not what grabbed me. He went through some real messed up ish and he's not bitter, he can laugh and crack jokes and that is what impressed me. Now there are some things that gave me pause...

1. He's 38. There's a 15 year age difference which doesn't really bother me. Don't judge me. We should all know by now my love for older men. He didn't seem to have a problem with the age difference either but we'll see.
2. He recently got laid off. But he is working and is currently looking for a more stable situation. I can work with that.
3. He has 5 kids. Now I don't mind kids (I dated someone with kids before, met them too) but when he told me that his oldest is 3 years younger than me inside I'm like Oh MY God. That one def gave me pause. If I'm thinking long term here that could end up being an issue.
4. While his background makes for a good John Singleton film it gave me serious pause cuz that was just not my experience in a million years. I went to private school most of my life and my parents kept me and my sibs pretty sheltered. While he's not living that lifestyle anymore it still made me just a tad wary.

So those are the 4 concerns right now but I'm attracted to him and I think we clicked pretty well. He's really cool and if anything I just made a really good friend so we'll see.

In other news, Mr. E hasn't replied to the email yet. He's still got a week but after that this single girl is going to allow herself to move on.

Singleville is beginning to look interesting again. Told you last week was the quiet before the storm.

... to be continued.

Cute bus sighting. The bus driver is fine. Yes Lawd. Thank you Jesus for fine men. Boy is he cute and was checking me out. Giving me heart palpatitations the way he was looking at me. Lol. I need to stop.

'Don't Let Go' reminds me of Lawrence (*sigh*)... I heart him

I love music so every song takes me back to an event, a moment, a dream, a poem, a story... Music is my life's story if you will. So this is just a snippet of the many songs that hold memories for me. For most songs I remember the first time I heard it, where I was and how I was feeling. So you see it runs deep. Picking 3 was hard but these are a few artists you should def checkout if you haven't already.

Don't Let Go by En Vogue
Besides just loving this song period. I remember this song because I love to write, have a vivid imagination and back in jr high when I wanted to be a playwright on Broadway this was one of the songs that would have been in the play. The play was about one of my crushes who I felt just needed to move our relationship to the next level and lose control (with me of course). It was to be this dance number I choreographed. I mean I had it all done (in my head of course) maybe it will one day happen. Who knows but every time I hear this song I think of my crush who was so fine and I wanted him to be mine. *sigh* It gives me the warm tinglies. Lol.

Float by Anthony Hamilton
Once again, I love this song just because. And Anthony Hamilton is my man. His voice melts me. You have to listen to it a couple of times before you get the full meaning of the song. Its sexy and sensual and it takes me back to about 4 years ago. I sent the song to a guy I was seeing at the time. I told him to listen carefully and maybe we can "float" together. Needless to say he loved it and I loved that he loved it and ... yeah that's all I'm going to reveal about that at this time. (I don't want to kiss and tell) This song... ooh... excuse me while I daydream.

Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
This one takes me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to my kindergarten graduation. This was the song we sang. It's so true that the greatest love we could ever find is inside of us. That was such a great achievement in my then young life and as I've gotten older I've learned that children really are the future and we have to love and nurture them. I know that I had a lot of that growing up and I thank God I did or I wouldn't be who I am today. Plus, I totally love Miss. Whitney and thats probably the first time I ever heard of her. Thus started a long love affair with good music. I can't wait for her comeback.

I Laid It All Out There

So a couple of weeks ago I finally finish "Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey. Its a good read. Although it tells you all the things you know to be true and don't want to hear its something I needed to read and let permeate and sit.

I say this to say that I realized that I need to let these guys I've been talking to know up front what I'm about and what I won't compromise on. I don't want to waste their time or mine. Like I've said in the past, my goal is to get to out of Singleville and into Marrywood. In order to do that I have to find a guy that fits who am and what I want and not be holding on to something I know just won't work out.

I'm the type of woman who in the past has just gone with the flow and not really said anything when I was unhappy with a situation. I was always afraid the guy would dump me. Well that strategy wasn't working out cuz I would get dumped anyway. So I think I'll try a new strategy. Its called be myself.

If my friends piss me off, they know. Why should I pretend to not be mad at a guy I'm dating if I am mad? Hey, I am who I am and a guy that I potentially want to spend the rest of my life with needs to know that. What's the point in hiding it right?

So after reading the book I got inspired. I sent out a text to a new prospect (I'll introduce him later) telling him who Lady Dee is and I sent an email to Mr. E letting him know what's up.

If you don't know who Mr. E is read Myster E. He happens to still be a mystery to me but I decided that I don't want the mystery that surrounds our relationship to be there any longer. I like to know where I stand with people. I like labels. Some people don't but I do. It helps me know my place and my role in the lives of the people around me. I'm a co-worker, daughter, sister, youth leader, friend, etc. I hold many titles and they define the relationships I have with those people.

He refuses to give us definition. Its almost as if he's afraid to. I have asked in the past and then let it go but this time I ain't backing down and either he gives us definition or I'll slap the friend label on him and that will be that.

This ambiguity that we have opens the door for too much misunderstanding. What happens if he finds out I've been dating during the year I've known him? Does he have the right to be pissed? No. But could he be? Yes. I'd rather avoid all that madness and mayhem. I don't need it, I don't want it.

But anyway, I sent him an email basically summarizing my short term and long term goals and asking where he sees this going and if his goals match with mine. While I will admit it was a long email (when I write I get long winded as y'all probably can tell) I had to put it all out there.

Did I do the right thing?

I'm tired of sitting back and not standing up for myself. I do think I've waited long enough for an answer to this question and if he doesn't give it I can move on with my conscience clear right?

Best case scenario I get the man I want. Worst case scenario I end up with a really good friend. The odds won't always like that that now I know that I can't be a passive player in this. I have to make it known who I am, what I want, and let them decide if their down. Otherwise it will be a waste of time and I'll end frustrated and me frustrated is not fun for anyone. Lol.

Well I sent this last Friday night. He has til not Saturday to respond or he will be put in the friendship box. And this time this single girl is sticking to her guns.

Oh Singleville... Mr. E what am I gonna do with you?

... to be continued

All Quiet on the Western Front

Well maybe it should say the eastern front cuz I live on the East Coast? No matter. I used this title to say that it has been a relatively quiet week in Singleville and I am enjoying it.

I'm taking a break from dating (or I could say dating has taken a break from me). I'm just happy to not have to prepare for a date or find interesting, clever, witty things to say to fill the silence. Its taxing.

Sometimes I like being able to come home, go in my room, turn on some music, and not care about what I've got on, if my hair and nails look fly, or if that little bit of flab is showing. I can "kick off my shoes and relax my feet" (shout out to Xscape) and let my hair down. Even lounge around in my undies if I want eating chocolate ice cream. (Its been real hot the last few days in the NY)

I feel like I was running at a break neck pace the last few months talking to this one and that one. I almost went crazy. Now as God is pulling me into focus the need to slow it down, assess and make the right choices and stick to my guns is key. I'm basking in the change of pace.

However, I'm a little on uneasy if you will. Ever heard the saying, "the quiet before the storm"? That's the vibe I'm getting. I feel like this is the quiet before the storm. I better enjoy it then huh?

I don't know what Singleville is gonna throw at me next but I want and need to be prepared for it.

... to be continued.

Thanks God for the Moms

I'm truly blessed to have all of the motherly figures that I have in my life. They challenge me, talk to me, love me, and most importantly pray for me. As a kid you don't appreciate them like you should but now as an adult I truly value their love, concern, support, and most of all wisdom.


I say this after an insightful conversation with my mom this passed Saturday and then having lunch on Sunday with a good friend of my mom whose known me since birth. I've now stepped into the realm of having your mom as your friend. The mutual respect and the fact that they want you to succeed and not make the mistakes they did is now seen not as an attack but as a loving. I'm enjoying this new shift.

I have such respect for the motherly figures in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. So here's a big shout out with much love to the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (my mom's circle of friends), my godmommy hailing from the DMV, and of course my mommy (the original Lady D). You guys will have my heart forever.

... to be continued.

Is It Wrong?

Ok. I want to try something new. It's called, "Is it Wrong?" I'm gonna blog about some of the things that go on in my wild and crazy imagination and you tell me... if its wrong, if its right, or whatever else you might want to say. So here is the first one....

Is it wrong that every time I see my financial advisor I think "Man I would love to do the grown up (as my sis calls it) with him"? He makes me hot and I, for the life of me, don't know why. He's a good looking older gentlemen. Very nice dresser, educated, beautiful chocolate skin, sexy lips, and hails from the land of my kinsfolk too. (Ok, so I take it back. I know why he makes me hot I just shouldn't be feeling like that) And I'm very attracted to him. Now I know that the reason I'm meeting with him is so that I can keep my finances in order but sometimes I wonder what else he can keep in order for me. Now I would never do anything, (I'm a good girl ;) and besides he's my parent's advisor too) but boy do I wonder, especially during our meetings. I have to keep myself from turning my flirt on cuz that would just be inappropriate. But there's nothing wrong with thinking that it would be totally hot if we got it on real quick behind his desk, right? I'm just saying.

... to be continued.

She's Gone!

She's gone. My sister has landed in Texas safely. Thank God. Was up at 5 this morning to see her off at the airport. Sitting in the car with my eyes all shut holding her pillows. Helping her unload her stuff. But my sister is in Texas. : (


Me and my sister have this amazing relationship. Yeah we get on each others nerves sometimes but we thick as thieves and if you mess with one you mess with both, ya heard. Lol. Anyway, we had never been apart from each other until she went away to college 4 years ago. (She graduated this passed May. So proud.) I mean we went to the same daycare, preschool, private school, and high school. People used to think we were twins. (Not now but back in the day)


So when she graduated and came back home we thought she'd be back to stay. Nope. She's an active person and her job as a house sitter (unemployed) wasn't gonna work for her so she applied to this teen missions school in Texas. Texas! Now there is nothing wrong with Texas but it is soooooooooooooo far from the NY.

When she went away to school yeah it was hard but her school was in the Bronx. She was only a bus and 2 trains ride away. Now she's a plane ride away. $4.00 roundtrip (Back then. Dag on MTA raising the fare.) is a lot cheaper than a $100 or more plane ride. : (

Thankfully she'll only be gone for a year but how will I survive Singleville without her? She's been there through all the antics, foolishness, joys, laughs... everything. The person to give me kick in my pants advice. Bust a gut laughing over a situation that almost pushed me too far. I know I can call but its not the same. Her facial expressions are the icing on the cake.


*sigh* I know I sound selfish. The truth is I'm gonna miss her. I miss her already but I know that she has to follow the journey God has set before her just like I do. Lord, can't they run a little closer together?

Well, I will survive. The year will be finished before I know it and she'll be back. Until then I'll miss her something awful. : (

... to be continued

Another sexy sighting. But this time on the train platform. My man was gorgeous from what i could see because he was on the opposite platform as me :( His muscles all busting through his tee shirt and what not. Oooh chile, I just got chills. Thank God I was looking right. He all whistling at me and stuff. Had to give him a wave and a smile. If i had telepathic powers I woulda brain beamed my number and a naughty message to him. Lol. Then my train came into the station. I'm a little disappointed but the Lord knows all things. The way I'm feeling and the way he was looking he could get it. More than once. Forgive me Jesus. He had my back today... But i can still fantasize about what could have been right?

*sigh*

... to be continued

Do You Like Me?

This takes me back to Junior High school. Passing notes that say,

Do you like me?
Circle One: Yes, No, or Maybe.

*sigh* I never did get one of those notes. Lol. Was too busy trying be like one of the boys and had my head stuck in a book. Woulda liked one though. Not too many boys want to give tomboyish bookworms notes. *shrug* Oh, well.

But anyway, now to the story that brought up this blast to the past.

Honey asked me the other day: Do you like me? Why is it that I was amused when this was asked? (Not in bad way) I was totally taken aback because it seemed like such an elementary question.

While I thought it was cute I realized that he didn't really know me. If you have my time then there is something I like about you. If I didn't like you you'd know; I wouldn't be giving you my time.

I think its interesting that no matter how old we get its like we're still in Junior High passing notes wondering if the cutest boy/girl in school is crushin' on us. Hoping they'll send a note our way. We still have those same fears of rejection we just hide them better when we get older.

I still thought it was cute though and you know I had to ask it back. I mean if you gonna ask me, I'm gonna ask you. Lol.

Everything hinges on" Do you like me?" The scariest thing about asking that question is getting the answer.

... to be continued

Thinking Like a Man

Now if you've known me since my private school days (shout out to FCS) you'd know I was a tomboy. I clean up nice don't I? Lol. Anyhoo, I spent a lot of my time back then trying to be one of the guys. I was always competing with them. I wanted to be the best girl at every sport so that the boys would want to pick me for their team. I used to watch sports like nobodies business. Could name all the teams in the NFL and the NBA and most in the MLB. (Not now unfortunately. Teams be moving and I don't have the time to commit them all to memory.) And ESPN was (still is) my favorite channel. Sports Center. Yes sir.

Guys have always seemed comfortable around me. 1. I was quiet, didn't ask many questions. 2. I knew sports so I could easily add my 2 cents when I felt like it. 3. I wasn't trying to be thier girlfriend. (In the beginning anyway) In return I observed and listened. And for better or worse somethings rubbed off and stuck.

So here are the top 5 ways I think like a man

1. Don't interupt me while my game is on. During football season unless you want your head chopped off don't interupt me while I watch the game, highlights, and Mike'd Up with Mike Francessa. Now if you want to join me while I watch cool but don't talk to me about anything other than the game, don't touch the remote, and don't ask me to do nothing. I'm with the guys on this one.
2. I can understand the being with someone just to get yours with no emotions involved. Right now I can identify at least 3 guys I could call on the phone right now and be like I'll be at your house in 5 be ready for me. No strings, no attachments just take care of me and then I'm out and back home feeling satisfied. I do not exercise that power because I know how it feels to be used and I don't want to do that to anyone. But if my moral compass was pointed more to the south there would be a lot of brokenhearted dudes in my wake. Cuz I know I'd be able to walk away without even batting an eye. (Even as I typed that it sounded horrible. Even more reason for me not to do it)
   
3. I get playing the game just to see if you could bag. Lots of women get pissed off when a guy talks them up all night, seems to make a great connection with them, they give the guy their number and he never calls. Well I get why they do it cuz I've done it. I'm guilty. Its a thrill. You just want to see if you can get them hooked. Can you pull there attention? Can you hold there attention? Is it right? No. But its part of the game. I've definitely toned this down because my goals and objectives have changed but every now and then its a huge ego boost when I can get that guy I'd never talk to on the regular to be interested. (You know the really fine one that you know isn't what you need but defintely what you want.)
4. Checking out of a conversation. I'm the type of person who wants to solve an issue. And I'm willing to listen. After I come up with the solution I'm tired of hearing about the same blasted problem. I'm finding that when I'm conversing with a guy he carries the conversation most of the time and I'm sitting there saying, "Yeah", "Uh huh", "Oh ok". Now usually girls complain that guys don't listen. I can understand why. Some of the things I've heard, some of the marathon call sessions I've been apart of. It sometimes is all too much. So I get the checking out of the conversation. You just trying to keep your sanity.
5. Openingly oogling (checking out) someone. While it makes me self-concious as all get out when this happens to me I am guilty of doing this exact thing. When I see something I like I stare at it. Complete with the lip lick, undressing with the eyes, and looking you up and down. I'm bad. But I get it. Not saying that its appropiate but I get it. I think men are gorgeous and sometimes I don't want to help myself. I just gotta look and appreciate him and wish I had him.
   

And the bonus: Being closed off. Many women want there man to be an open book. Sit down and talk about feelings and share. I'm not the sharing type of girl. The extent of the info I give are things the guys could/would find out on his own. While I probably know more about some of the guys I've dated than their parents they know next to nil about me. Why? Cuz I'm not one to volunteer information like that. I keep my personal biz close to the body. I'm with the guys on this one.

So whats the problem? Thinking like a guy is turning me into... well... a guy. Sure I've got all these great curves, awesome legs, and an amazing sense of fashion but this mindset is gonna get me in trouble. When a guy approahes me now its like game on. I've already decided before he gets to me if he's a friend, I'd sleep with him (if I didn't abstain of course), or if he's dateable. And I find that I'm stepping back emotional. It just doesn't seem natural to me. The roles seem reversed in a way. Do ya'll feel me or am I just special?

I guess that's why I'm still in Singleville.

... to be continued.

I Wanna Be With You

I wanna be with you

If only for a night

To be the one whose in your arms

Who holds you tight

I wanna be with you

There`s nothing more to say

There`s nothing else I want more than to feel this way

I wanna be with you

That Mandy Moore song is old but is so beautiful and captures an emotion that all people want to hear from another person. "I wanna be with you baby." I know I do. (I still remember how it made me feel back when I was a nerdy teen in high school.)

Last night in Singleville was an interesting night. Skittles calls me. (see Young Bucks on the Come Up ) Now when he does he usually gets me frustrated because he doesn't like to annouce himself. Now I always know who it is but its annoying. (I view it like a like kid game he like to play with me and it always reminds of the fact that he's still young) Your probably wondering why I don't just save his number in my phone. He doesn't have a phone so he calls me from all these random numbers. Saving any one of the numbers he calls me from would be useless and a waste of time.

Anyway, we usually don't get into anything deep when he calls. He tells me he loves me. I tell him ok, whatever you say. This goes on for a few minutes and then we hang up. (Ok I hang up) I know your thinking, "Man she's a bish to him." The thing is I've been hearing this song and dance for almost as long as I've known him. I've never taken it seriously because I just thought it was a little boyhood crush that I thought he'd grow out of. (He met me when he was 13 and I was 18.)

But last night, although that is how I thought the conversation would go, that's not how it went at all. Of course he said to me, "You know I love you right?" And I obligingly say yes. And then he says, "Why can't we be together?" He's asked me this a million times and I've given him the same answer a million times but last night he wouldn't let it go. Then he asks, "If we were the same age would we be together?" Crap. The one question I had hoped he'd never ask me. I had to answer truthly. And the answer is that its a strong possibility. Now I can't make any promises that it would be the case but if we were on equal footing I would seriously consider it. I shoulda told him know. But its just not in me to lie. And that would be a big lie.

The thing with Skittles is that I know that he wants to be with me and that he would treat me right. However, he has so much instability. He is still a kid (which is evidenced in some of the things he says) and while thats all good I haven't been a "kid" for a while now. My mindset and outlook has always been a mature one and I just don't think we are on the same level.

Trying to convey this to someone who says that they've loved you since the first time they saw you is an impossible task. He is still set on being with me and marrying me. I almost died when he told me that he wanted me to wait 7 years for him so that we could get married. In 7 years I'll be 30. And while its possible that I might still be single by then. That is not my goal nor my hope.

I guess for me, I'm just trying to understand why he wants to be with me with such intensity. What does he feel I will give him? Why does he give me such loyalty? It a little baffling to me, especially after some of the things he told me. He treats me with a lot more respect than all of the females he deals with. (he treat those other girls a little doggish :-/) Its almost like reverence. I don't want to be on anyone's pedestal because I will most assuredly fall off. So I asked him, "What happens when you get tired of me? What happens when I get old?" He said he'd never get tired of me and to him I'm not old *sigh*

Oh, boy. What girl doesn't what to hear that? Who doesn't want to be loved like that? But I've said it before and I'll say it again. You can't live on love alone. I wish you could but you can't and I need stability. I thrive on stability. I need someone I can lean on because so many lean on me. He is such a gray area. Nothing with him is black and white. And just the thought of teetering and struggling makes my palms sweat and my heart race. The only thing I could tell him is that if were meant to be God will make a way. (Cuz right now I can't see us together) He said he's been praying for that for the last 5 years. Lord have mercy. Would it be wrong of me to pray the opposite of his prayer? Yeah that's what I thought.

Now while I'm talking to Skittles I'm texting Mr. Feel Good. Now he is still in the friend category but we've been talking a lot lately. Like I've said before he is incredibly sweet and recently we've shared with each other some of our plans for the future. (I love a man with goals) Which was really nice. So last night were texting and I start to see him use possessive language. Basically saying your mine. This was kinda out of left field so I say, "I'm your?" And he says yes.

Ok...ummm. Then he asks me, "Are you my lady?" Whoa. Now I'm put on the spot. Both on the phone and thru text I'm being told I wanna be with you. And I'm speechless. I haven't even met Mr. Feel Good in person yet so how can I know if I'm his lady? I don't know what chemistry we will have or if I can see myself being with him like that. Plus, even though our text conversations are good anytime we have a phone convo some how I always end up turned off.

So last night I went to sleep exhausted and confused. I thought that by hearing someone say "I wanna be with you" everything would burst into color and I'd get all warm and tingly and then say it back with gusto. But last night I couldn't. Everything in me wanted to be able to but I just couldn't. My question is why did my heart ache a little?

Oh, Singleville how you confuse me so. Just when I think I've got it figured out something happens and it says, "Ha! Nope, you haven't figured it out quite yet."

I still love the song though. :)

... to be continued.

The Value of Time

Now I am one of those people who can be really bad with this especially when its to go somewhere I don't really want to go or when it involves doing something I don't want to do. But I'm working on that. And for the most part I keep appointments. (I do be running on CP time sometime though. lol.)

My pet peeve goes back to my I'll Call You Later post. I'm an impatient person. (I working on that too) I'm also a busy person so my time is valuable. I believe that they way you handle time shows how important something is too you. When a meeting is important to me I'll be there early. If I have an event I've been busting my behind for I'll be prepared in advance. If its something I'm dreading I'll admit that I drag my feet and wait til the last possible second. However, the fact remains that I hate waiting on people and hate when people have to wait on me.

The same goes for any relationship I'm trying to grow. If I give my time to it its important to me. This being said, Honey is on my last nerve with this. Our schedules are a little out of whack which is not a problem. I can be flexible. What is the problem is this: Lets say I call him (or even he calls me) and he can't talk. He tells me I'll call you back in 15 mins, 20 mins, 5 mins. Ok cool. If that was at 10:30 pm why are you calling me 2:30 am? That is way passed time and now I'm sleep. I already was waiting for you to call back, now you wake me and I'm half dead, and then can't get back to sleep right away.


Now at first it was all good because I was feeling him but now its starting to turn me off. Its just disrespectful. It boils down to if you say you'll do something do it. Be a person of your word. Maybe I'm taking this too strongly but my grandfather would say, "In this life all you have is your word."


Like I said, my time is valuable just like everyone elses. And you show me how much I matter to you when either you don't make time for me or you disrespect my time. Honestly, if I did that I'm sure I'd get cussed out strongly. And like I said my patience is limited and mine with him is almost thru.

... to be continued

Reflective

This single girl has been doing some thinking and some house cleaning recently.

The Experiment that I have put into effect a little over 3 months ago has come to a point of evaluation. The guys I started the experiment out with are no longer prospects for anything other than friendship if that. (I've met some crazies, in case you didn't know)

Currently the only 2 prospects I have are Honey and Mr. E. I'm realizing that I care for Mr. E a lot more than I thought I did. And Honey reminds me of Mr. E in some ways which may be while he has been able to hold my attention.

I still talk to Mr. Smith on occasion but I feel that we are moving into that cool friendship stage. I care about him, I'm just not into him in a romantic way.

Mr. Feel Good is so sweet and can always put a smile on my face but at this moment I can't look passed anything other than friendship. I hate (I really do) that my feelings are based on seemingly superficial things. But usually for me when I nit pick like that there is usually an underlying more substantial reason. I just can't put my finger on it as yet.

So what has the experiment taught me????

1. I've learned that I am a sexy, intelligent, and worthwhile catch. My self-esteem has gotten a major boost from all of this. And while I know that value should not be found in the eyes of man, its still nice to hear. Lol. But I've come to truly love my body (including my big booty, lol), my mind, and the quirkiness that makes up who I am.
2. I've learned I don't have to settle. I like what I like. And there is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with that. My dreams, wants, and desires are just that. Mine. And the man that fits what I want is out there. I need to have faith.
3. Mr. E. I've learned that Mr. E is an integral part in me even having the ability to do this experiment. Yes this was birthed out of a convo with my cousin but before I had met him I had given up on relationships and meeting a good man. I had resigned myself to the life of a nun. (Yes, I know. I had a momentary lapse into insanity. Won't happen again.) The day I met him it was like the Ex who? Lol. And every guy I've met thus far has been compared to Mr. E. (Sorry guys) He's become so important to me in such a short time I couldn't imagine him not being a part of this journey. He makes my heart (among other things) flutter.
4. I've learned I'm changing. I'm being more up front. I'm being more assertive. Less afraid. More sure of me as a women and as a child of God. I'm starting to trust my own judgement again and heeding her wisdom.
5. I've learned that my walk with Christ trumps the booty anyday. I made a promise to my heavenly Father to wait til I'm married to have sex. And it has been a battle. These guys seem hell bent on testing my resolve. What they don't know is that the Holy Spirit walks with me and when my strength ebbs away his kicks in. I intend to keep my promise. Lord Help me.

While I continue my journey in Singleville I'm doing so more focused and not willing to lower my standards.

Thanks so much for following this journey with me. I found that I really love blogging and that its actually quite theraputic. Keep following the journey and leave your feedback cuz I truly do value your opinions.

Well the saga continues for this single girl. ;)

... to be continued

First Impressions

First impressions are everything. When you first meet someone this is crucial. I know this to be true because I've been told that at first I come off mean and rude to people when they first meet me. I can see how this could be true. I'm a quiet and reserved person by nature. It takes me a while to warm up to people.

So I met up with one of my prospects this passed weekend. (See New Prospects) This the medical student. Another one bites the dust. Now I'll preface this by saying that I wasn't looking my sexiest. Dude wanted to see me real bad. Saturday nights are my youth nights at the church. I'm the leader, I don't got no one I'm trying to impress but Jesus and he says come as you are so I came in my leggings and a baggy shirt. I mean I didn't look tore up but if I could I woulda went home first to change. But he wanted to meet up real quick so thats what impatience gets you.

Anyway, dude is mad cocky and started off on the wrong foot from jump. I love confidence but cockiness irks my nerve. It makes me want to knock you down a peg. It was a weird situation cuz I was over someone's house with my fam at the time. Mom, dad and sibs; but I didn't really want him to meet my people cuz it had potential to be awkward. What if I didn't like him? What if I really did like him? So we decided to meet at the corner. (I know, the corner but he was on my home turf and my family knew where I was.)

So when he gets to where I am he calls and I go out to where he is. I walk to his car and I get in and he's like, "U just gonna roll up to my car like that?" Whoa, what? Now he was joking but that ish ain't funny. So, strike one. So we pull over not too far from where my fam is at and we get out of the car (he said it was mad hot inside the car, whatever) and are talking outside. The strikes just kept on coming.

Strike two: trying to tell me I don't know where I live. What?! I've lived in my neighborhood for 21 years. In my current house 10, I know where I live homie.

Strike three: clowning on my religion. Now I'm a tolerant person. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. If you ask me a question about my faith I'll answer it. But don't make fun of what I believe. We can agree to disagree. Thats cool. But I get hot off of ignorant foolishness. Some things just ain't funny bruha. I don't care what experience you had with church in the past please respect me. Its about mutual respect. I could said some choice things about you but I didn't out of respect. See. Respect. I don't believe in church and rituals. I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and yes there is a difference. (End of rant)

Dude's ride is tight, he was rocking all this bling, good looking but he was just mad ugly to me. His personality stunk. He was cocky and arogant. He seemed to be mad into himself cuz everytime I spoke he kept saying "huh?" like I wasn't standing right there and what I had to say was irrelevant. He was cursing and usually it doesn't really bother me but man it was grating on my nerves (expand your vocabulary please) cuz it was these random outbusts. After awhile I was just staring at him with a fake smile, saying "yeah uh huh", thinking, 'I need an excuse to bounce cuz I'm so through. I'm wasting my time.'

That excuse came when my dad called my phone. Perfect. I was like well that was my dad and I'm bout to leave so... yeah... bye.

Haven't called or texted him (he hasn't called or texted me either which isn't a bad thing).

First impressions people can make or break a date. Yeah maybe my appearance that night wasn't noteworthy that night (I've been hit on wearing far worse, trust me) but even though he looked fly he was grotesque because his personality was just so horrible.

I've never before now met someone so nice looking on the outside that was this ugly on the inside.

Guys being rude and into yourself is not a turn on. If the person you trying to impress is turned off by your personality than all that outside beauty is a waste. *smh*

On a lighter, I spoke to Mr. E today. Now there goes a man who made a good first impression. *sigh*

... to be continued

Ya Tink Ya Know Me

I was tagged by Ms. Sunshine to list 20 facts about myself that no one would know... sorry for being so late (been crazy busy) but without further ado:

1. I bit my nails til I was 13 years old. Like bit the nail totally out of the nail bed. Yes I know, disgusting. (this is shocking to most cuz my nails are mad long now)
2. I wasn't allowed to date til I was 18.
3. I went on my first date when I was 19.
4. I own 50+ pairs of shoes
5. I am severely allergic to all nuts (except roasted peanuts and creamy peanut butter), sesame seeds, Artificial (fake) strawberry and coconut, ragweed, pollen, dust, animal hair, and certain fragrances. Sad, I know :(
6. I smell all my food before I eat it. (See #5 for reason)
7. Football is my life. I follow the stats, watch the draft, have my own fantasy teams, and watch religiously on Sundays (games and highlights)
8. I'll wear men's and children's clothing if it looks good on me (Don't judge me)
9. Some of the clothes in my wardorobe are at least 40 years old if not more (vintage baby)
10. When I was a kid I put aluminum foil in the microwave and it blew up (I didn't know)
11. If my toes are cold I can't sleep. Everything else can be cold but my feets got to be warm.
12. I've had my wedding planned (dress, music, color scheme, etc.) since Jr. High. Now I just need a groom.
13. I love spicy food. If its too bland gotta add hot sauce. (This is courtesy of my grandpa. That Trinidadian hot sauce was always on the dinner table.)
14. I cook with no salt. But you would never know. In the words of one of my girls, my food is "mad seasoned". Lol
15. I love milk. Especially chocolate milk. The first memory I have as a kid was asking my mom to put chocolate milk in my bottle.
16. The nickname my young people gave at church is Grandma. I wear it like a badge of honor. I'm old-fashioned and proud of it.
17. I got my first pair of heels in 6th grade. They were brown and I wore them with everything even though it didn't match. Thats when my love affair with shoes began.
18. I've tripped up the stairs twice in public places. Once in high school and the other at Grand Central train station. Tell me why I couldn't stop laughing?
19. People thought me and my sister were twins because my mom always dressed us alike.
20. Growing up I secretly wanted to be overweight with glasses so that I looked more like everyone in my family. Bump being skinny with 20/20 vision. Lol.

There you have it. Didn't know all this about me, did ya?

If your reading this right now you are officially tagged.

Get to posting.

... to be continued