Chante's Got a Man at Home

I love this song.



I guess you could call me Chante ;)

... to be continued

It is icing outside. I can't believe this. Its only November!

Mad is not the word. I am so furious right now. A whole bunch of expletives have done been spewed at you in my head. I'm sick and tired of this ish. Its BS to the highest power and you know it. MY God what is wrong with you?

Wu-sa. Take a deep breath and exhale. Why did things just get mad hectic for no reason? SMH.

...to be continued

Evaluation - Mr. E

Mr. E out of the blue hit me up this week. We haven't spoken in months and it seems that every time he pops up in my life its as if he's there to say, Dee start looking at whats going on with you in your romantic relationships. Are you happy? Are you being fulfilled? He always catches me at a relationship crossroads. Do I stay the course or do I explore my options?

Mr. E has always represented the options. Usually he would be able to sway my head and heart back in the options direction. This time however, they ain't swaying. We talked and it was good to hear from him but you get tired of empty promises and options aren't always what you want or what's best for you. The grass ain't always greener on the other side.

So I guess staying my course is the way to go right now. I ain't mad about it either.  :)

... to be continued

Optimist or Pessimist?

A pessimist. Its terrible that I am but this world is a messed up place so there is very little to be optimistic about. *shrugs*

To All My Younger Brothas

I've been kinda hard on y'all. I've pulled no punches when it comes to what you can offer a woman that is older than you.  Its not a secret that I don't give guy younger than me a chance when they try to holla but... I think that I'm gonna have to eat my words. Don't get me wrong my logic and the reasons why I give y'all a hard time isn't wrong but i shouldn't have generalized it and painted all of y'all with that brush.I apologize.

Thats why you never say never, you just might get the surprise of your life! Especially if the guy is almost the male equivalent of you. Lol.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, All Young Bucks ain't that bad. Ain't that bad at all. Lol.

... to be continued

My Foot Problems Done Set Me Back

Hello! Between work, work, and work I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off and haven't posted her in a month.

My ankle is doing better but this one leg shorter thing got me buying lifts for my shoes! Its not a huge one but damn, I've never spent this much money on my feet when it wasn't a pretty pair of high heels. This ain't no joke. SMH. I'm just glad that I can walk and that I've been cleared to DANCE.

I am back taking my classes and I am so happy to be back out there. Its such a high and my body missed it. For real. I thankful to be back. Now I just gotta get myself back into doing some exercise too and it'll be all good.

Don't know how well I'll adjust to having to wear a lift in my shoe but we'll see how it goes. Besides them things ain't cheap (at least a good one isn't). Gosh.

These feet of mine...

... to be continued

Open Letter #1

Any man with Ex-girlfriend issues, baby mama drama, no ambition, no backbone, playa-itis, and in need of Jesus please leave me alone. I can't no more. Don't even look at me sideways. If you know u ain't got ur ish together don't step to me, go work it out.

Keep on walking.

Sincerely,


Just a Little Frustrated

Remembering Today

One of the scariest days of my life as a New Yorker. I will never forget it. Sitting in Spanish class when I found out the Towers had been hit. All I knew was that my parents worked in Manhattan. Wasn't sure how close to World Trade they were but at that point we weren't sure what was going on and if my whole city was under attack. They dismissed us from school and Flushing was bananas. The lines for the buses were insane. I was the first one to get home. I walked into my house calling peoples names and no one answered. I went into my parents room and turned on the TV and watched the footage. Tears streamed down my face. I didn't know if my parents were ok, I didn't know if now I had to take care of my sibs by myself. Life was totally uncertain. Phones weren't working. I sat frozen, eyes glued to the screen watching and praying. And then after what seemed like forever my mom came through the door. A little later my dad came in after picking my bro up from afterschool. Then my sister came home. And all the worry and fear was gone. Then it hit me that for many families across my city their loved ones didn't come home. Its a very sobering, humbling thought. We all slept in my parents bed that night, something I hadn't done since I was a kid. I hoped that when I woke up the next morning it was all a bad dream. 

I can't believe its been 9 years already. We were all so paralyzed. Planes were now scary things. The Airforce was flying overhead. It took a long time for things to be normal again. But my city came together. Acts of bravery and heroism displayed unselfishly. We helped each other.  Its sad that a tragic event is what it took to make people care about others. Death and destruction don't recognize color, faith, or gender. We shouldn't either. The only way to destroy hate is with love. Love one another, let go of grudges, forgive, show kindness when its not deserved, give a smile and say Good morning because your alive and grateful. It won't only start a change in you and your heart but it will begin to make a change in others as well. 

The Greatest of these is Love

Thats what the Bible says because the Lord knew that hate will destroy but that love brings life. If we don't learn anything else from this experience I hope we learn to love one another. If we do then we'll make our world a better place. A safer place.

Reminiscing

For the last few weeks I've been taking long distance trips down memory lane. After the funeral of the Ex I was replaying in my mind all the times we spent together. Wondering if things coulda ended differently between us. The answer: Maybe but most likely it would have all played out the same.

Its amazing that after someone dies no matter how you ended you want to remember the good times.

My mom has been great through this entire process by the way. I've been able to talk through it with her and its been therapeutic. She got what I meant when I said that I felt disconnected at his funeral, like the person they were talking about I didn't know. It seemed like I had this totally different experience of him.

I didn't cry and I wondered why. I thought I woulda been a basket case. But I realized I grieved for him when we broke up so I felt sadness, especially for his family, but I didn't feel deep sorrow. Like something I treasured was lost to me forever, I had already through that already. He had been lost to me years ago.

So during this trip my mom said to me, "What was it about him that made you so comfortable? That allowed you to be who you are? You need to figure that out and find the guy you can have that level of comfort with." That sounds like amazing advice. Why didn't I think of that?

Taking a look back is a good practice, you always need to see where you've come from but you don't want to stay there. I'm looking forward to moving forward.

... to be continued.

No More Apologies

I've decided to stop apologizing for my not posting as often as I would like. I have things to post just not a lot of time. So I will post as I'm able and hopefully you will forgive me. (Crosses fingers ;-) )

... to be continued

Went to the doc to re-evaluate my ankle and found out one leg is longer than the other. What the heck! :(

Death, The Job Search, and Sprained Ankles

Your girl has been MIA and her life has been going at 110 miles an hour. The Ex passed away two Sundays ago and its affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. Will be going to the funeral shortly. As badly as he treated me back in the day I never wished death on him. I realized that he was such a big part of my high school and college years. It shaped the woman I am today. Although he would piss me off at times, he was a good person at heart. He was someone I thought would be there as I got older. We would have spouses and kids and be cool and it would make sense. His death and my reaction to it isn't making sense. I've been in a fog for the last week. (Secretly, he was my back up. The guy who if you still single at 35 or so you make a pact and get married, have kids, etc. Someone who through they make you raise your eyebrow at them at times is still someone you can tolerate, is familiar and will give you pretty babies. lol. Now I have no back up.) That may sound selfish but since I was 16 I thought I was gonna marry this dude. Now that ain't even a faint possibility. Thats a deep truth to accept.

My job search has stalled a bit. After 2 months of sending resumes and getting only one interview I'm starting to get tired. Smh. But I gotta be true to the process. I'm in it for the long haul.

And my ankle. This blasted ankle still got me at physical therapy. I'm getting more frustrated as my dance classes get closer.

And can you believe it is almost September? Wow. So far this year had been (as 6'8 says) Bananas! I don't know how much more I can take. This year needs to gain some upside to not be one of the worst years of my life. Wow.

...to be continued.

The most joy i've found all week i found in the smile and laughter of a little girl. Thank u Lord for Grace and dance.

So my PT told me that my leg muscles are too tight and i need to start stretching again. Started this morning and OMG she was right. Ouch! Lol.

Good morning! I'm so sleepy, i'm hungry, sitting at my desk wishing i was in my bed! Its only 9:45 and already i wanna bounce up outta here. This is so not good. Smh. The job search continues. Meanwhile let me figure out wats for breakfast.

Why did the MC just call me at 7 o'clock in the doggone morning? All these dudes be making guest appearances in my life. Wat is up wit that? Its like my life is a tv show. Well they need to run the credits. It is too early. Lol. Gotta get ready for work.

Happy Monday. Ugh. Lol.

...to be continued.

Wat happens when two boys don't listen to u? A mic stand gets dropped on ur foot and ur toe might be broken. Great. :(

Physical Therapy

I started physical therapy (PT as my doctor called it) last week and it has been PAINFUL.

Was there last night and my physical therapist said that my ankle is still pretty unstable. You should see how she taped up my ankle. Who knew that tape could immobilize your foot like this! Its forcing me to walk a certain way which is giving my ankle more stability and hopefully will allow me to stop wearing this air cast very soon. I will try to show a pic of it later today. Good thing I had a long dress on yesterday cuz this trash goes all the way up to my knee and in NY they will stare at you. Lol.

I'll be going for my fourth visit on Friday. I want this road to recovery to speed up. I hope to start strength training soon. I want to be back to 100% ASAP. I'm getting cabin fever not being able to workout and dance. This is bananas!

... to be continued

Looking For Something New

Realized that some of the source of my dissatisfaction is that I haven't changed my sphere of influence in the last 5 years and I'm ready for a change. I gotta move! Lol.

At my current job I am working for peanuts full-time. Literally. I work 40+ hours a week and I'm still below the poverty line. How does that work? *scratches head* I've given a lot to this organization but it is time for me to spread my wings, cut the cord and get the heck outta here before it all comes apart. When you stop believing in what you're doing its time to go.

So I have been actively seeking and applying for other jobs. My fingers and toes on my good foot (lol) are crossed and I know that I'll be leaving here soon so in the next few months I'm hoping to be making some big moves. With the Lord's help, grace and wisdom I'll be embarking on a new adventure.

And for a girl who hates change, I am absolutely stoked! I can't wait for it to start. :)

...to be continued

It sucks when u realize that the reason for your unhappiness and dissatification is you. So wat am I gonna do about it?

In Love Once

I was in love once but it was a young, naive, almost obsessive kinda of love that wasn't any type of healthy. I think back on it often. How I wanted him so badly to love me back. How I did almost anything possible to get him to love me back.

And now after he broke my heart and years have passed I wonder who was that person? Why did she allow such poor treatment? If it hadn't ended the way it did would I have had the strength to demand better or walk away?

I remember how eager I was to fall in love when I was a teenager. I've loved love stories since I was a kid. I love to hear the stories behind how couples met. Asking then how did they know that they had found the one. They all get that faraway look as if reliving that moment when they realized, "Oh boy my heart is in trouble." lol

I've always wanted that story. But living after a broken heart I wonder if my heart is strong enough to attempt love again. I'm nurturing and loving by nature. I can very easily show love and I let people into my heart but I haven't given my heart to anyone.

Love isn't easy, it can hurt, and it can be scary. I still want my story but I wonder if my heart is not too fractured. If I have the strength to not settle. If I believe with all I've got that God has that man and that story waiting for me at the right time. That I would be able to know him when I see him and not be afraid to love him.

We throw love around so causally in today's society when it isn't really love at all. But I want real love, true love, romantic, there with you in the trenches, all consuming, you complete me love.

Sometime you wonder if that even exists anymore...

Reading The Divine Matchmaker and it inspired this post because as I began to read their love story something in me opened up and began to weep because I realized though I've been in love once I never experience love like that. And I envy it.

The next, and hopefully the last, time I fall in love I want that "tingle" that lets me know, "this is what love is". No convincing, no wondering, no trying to change or mold just that "tingle".

... to be continued

Happy Independence Day!

Happy 4th of July!

Whether you bbq or your at the beach or watch the fireworks on TV have a wonder Independence Day

Lady Dee

On my way home. The week went by soooo fast but back to work. Heading to the airport. NY see u soon.

I'm in TN. :) It has been an amazing experience so far. Its just been a cellular dead zone and i've got no wi-fi. So all the things i had planned to do i can't but its all good. Pics to follow (when i have signal lol).

We have arrived and it has been quite interesting. Lol.

On my way to TN. :)

Tennessee Here I Come!

I'm going on vacation, I'm going on vacation. *Does happy dance* This time tomorrow your girl will be on a plane with the fam headed to... Tennessee.

Ok, ya'll is probably like, Whats in TN? Its not like its a hot vacation spot (unless you going to the home of country music) but its our family reunion and thats the place they picked. They changed it up a bit (We usually stay on the East coast. Like GA, FL, SC, NC) but I don't even care. A week of no work, no cares, no worries, good food, and a pool. I'll be in HEAVEN.

I will definitely have more time to blog to so you'll get to see picks of my vacay and all that jazz. I'm so excited and I've got to pack. This is so uncharacteristic of me to still be packing this late in the game. I'm usually done 2 weeks in advance. But this foot injury has really been slowing me down.

Plus I need to find the battery charger for my camera. SMH. Too much going on. And my sis comes in from TX tonight to go with us. So I gotta make moves. Lots to do so little time to do it.

... to be continued

I am so HOT! The temp in my house is ridiculous. This humidity has got to stop.

My Show Was Great

So we all know I sprained my ankle so I couldn't do my dance show. I was totally bummed. I had been practicing the routines for months and I felt bad because I felt like I was letting down the other ladies in my groups, I'm one of the stronger dancers.

So this past Saturday was the show and just because I wasn't in it doesn't mean I couldn't go and see it.

It was awesome. The ladies in my group did great and my teacher took my part so it was all good. I was so glad. But I did miss being up on that stage. I miss dancing. This foot needs to heal up quick.

Ankle Update: That same Friday I went to the doctor. He took off the cast and said that my ankle was still unstable so I'm now wearing an air cast for the next 2-3 weeks. However, this cast is removable, THANK GOD! So I can put it on when I'm outside and walking around and take it off when I'm in the house. I can shower without the fear of getting it messed up. I'm still cautious though cuz I ain't trying to have a setback. And then my doc prescribed me 6 weeks of physical therapy so thats my summer.

At least it ain't broken.

...to be continued.

Cooking for my daddy! :) Happy Father's Day out there to all the dads who be holding it down. I salute you.

Taking It Easy

So I have been out of commission for the last week and a half because of my ankle which has slowed me down considerably. At one point I was out almost every weekend. Now not so much and...

I don't miss it.

I am so happy to stay at home and relax. And I have a legitimate excuse. I've been taking the time to re-evaluate what I've been doing. In the last 6 months I broke up with Washington, dated 6'8 and talked off and on to a few others. I'm exhausted!

And not satisfied either.

I'm gonna take it easy. For a while.

I'll still be posting but not as much about relationships. I'm learning to wait and be patient. (cross your fingers lol) But hey what do I got to lose? My lack of patience got me here thus far and I'm not too happy about that so I figure why not try something new, right?

... to be continued.

U Can't Be Serious?!

Washington continuously proves to me why I made the RIGHT decision in breaking it off with him.

He continues to try to convince me that what I believe is wrong. He is doing everything in his power. He even told me to use my brain because I am too grown to believe in God!

I don't understand his process. Does he seriously think I can sway me from my faith? Does he think that he can get me back by critizing me and what is a part of me?

I have been in a relationship with God for almost 20 years and He has proven time and again that He is faithful, He loves me, and wants the very best for my life. How could he possibly think that I would end my 18 year relationship with God for him?

It seems like we always have the same conversation and I'm tired. I've stopped explaining why, I've stopped entertaining him really. I let him talk and then I say, "ok wateva". I not gonna change his mind and he DEFINITELY ain't changing mine.

But he really can't be serious if he thinks this approach is gonna make me come running back to him. Smh.

... to be continued.

Mr. E

His name has not appeared for a while on here but he's never been far away. He's that guy that you just can't shake. You keep thinking maybe. If this could be something...

Have you had someone that you liked but didn't want to talk about too much in case what you felt wasn't real? So that you didn't get all the "wateva happened to wat's his name?" questions.

I've always liked Mr. E. We connected on so many levels.

But I've always been iffy about him because we still have yet to go out. Still...

He holds a special place in my heart. He is never far from my mind and for that reason I had to ask him if he wanted more than friendship. Now I realize I asked him this before but I find that men like short and direct. So I was short and direct. And... he wants more.

This whole process of me knowing him has been slow and even after his admission it is still going slow and I'm not in a rush. I'm in a place where I don't want to settle because I don't think I'll be able to find what I'm looking for. So I'm being patient and I'm waiting. Cuz I've got time.

And we're praying for each other. PRAYING for each other!

That's a first for me and I like it. So Mr. E... still makes my heart flutter. And I'm slowing it down.

So the verdict is... Cast for two weeks, physical therapy afterward and no dancing or heels for a while. Great way to start off the summer. :(

On my way to the podiatist to see wats going on with my foot. Hoping and praying its nothing serious.

Is It Wrong? - Wishing You Could Put One Man's Head On Another Man's Body

It's been a while since I could conjure up one of these.


Now I don't exactly wish to do this exactly but... I do wish that I could put 6'8's personality and values in Washington's body. Lol.

I like 6'8 and I'm attracted to him but he's not my physical type and he's a lot older than me. He does excite me but not visually. His seduction style (if you will) is more mental which is HOT. I love when a man can articulate himself in an intelligent way and cause my mind to go on a journey painted by his words. A man who knows how to take care of a woman.

Washington is sexy to me. He's my physical type, the age difference isn't as huge (8 compared to 20. You do the math) and we have an amazing connection and he's a great kisser (ya'll know how I feel about kissing). But our values totally don't match. We are polar opposites. And he knows how to aggravate the HELL outta me for no other reason but to F with me. Not saying that 6'8 and I agree on everything vaule wise. Even some of the things he says sometimes make me give him the side eye but we are A LOT closer in that department then me and Washington.

So is it wrong for me to wish that I could have 6'8 personality, values, and dirty mind surgically implanted into Washington's football player body, with the sexy smile and perfect teeth? I know that we are supposed to accept them as they are or leave it alone but have we ever wanted to mix and match the people we've dated to create the perfect man or woman for us?

Just a thought. *shrugs*

...to be continued

Weight Loss Flop?

Well, here's an update to my weight loss challenge.

I started out so well, so strong. And then... I went on a staff retreat four weeks ago Wednesday-Thursday (only two days, one night) so I couldn't really workout the Wednesday night. I came home late Thursday exhausted so I didn't work out. Then the following week because we missed two days of work I was in the office late allllllll week. I mean pushing 9 pm one night. So I would get home exhausted and hit my bed hard! I vowed to start back strong and in force on the 26th of May.

And then...

I hurt my foot. I don't know how I did it but I've been limping ever since. Now mind you I have been exercising. I take two dance classes a week at my studio, Jazz and Ballet, so I'm getting exercise and conditioning I just stopped doing Insanity and now I have to stop cause my foot can't take it. Washington said I should fight through the pain and keep working out because that is the price you pay to look good. *eyeroll and serious side eye* Yeah whatever.

I had ballet class last night. I had to tape my foot and when I got home OMG I was in PAIN!  

So I have an appointment scheduled with a podiatrist on Friday to figure out what the heck is going on. 6'8 says I may have a stress fracture which I'm hoping and praying is not the case. It would make sense though cuz it my left foot which is my good foot. My right has always given me problems cuz of my dancing. It pulls on me sometimes so I compensate with the left. The left has said enough is enough. 

My dance show, however, is in TWO WEEKS and I go on vacation at the end of this month. I do not want my foot in a cast.

So part of my weight loss flop is not entirely my fault. *sigh* At least I'm maintaining my weight.

And I'll keep you posted on the foot. smh.

...to be continued

Happy Memorial Day

In the midst of bbqs and family functions today and all weekend lets remember the men and women who have unselfishly given there lives for our country and those who continue to put themselves in harms way so that we can live safely and with peace of mind.

I salute you.

Lady Dee

So an old white man hit on me today which wasn't wat was out of the ordinary in this situation. What was is the fact that he sounded like Barry White. If u can imagine a white men in his late sixties balding saying, "How u doing baby?" in a Barry White voice. I was so caught off guard by his voice that i almost laughed out loud. I had to do a double take. My man was dead serious.

Now tell me why that done made my day? It had me chuckling to myself all day long. Now if i hadn't seen him and just heard his voice i woulda got one serious surprise when i turned around huh? Lol.

Its a blessing i saw him first otherwise he woulda got a not too pretty face. (I can make some crazy faces when i get surprised.) But who knew? *shrugs*

Couldn't make it up if I tried.

... To be continued.

Get Focused!

I have been zoning out way to often lately. I just have so much on my mind its been hard for me to focus. I catch myself staring off into space but not really finding any solution to the things that are laying heavy on my conscience.

I need to get it together. It is not productive.

... to be continued

I'm on line waiting for the bus. Could this girl be staring at me any harder. What the heck is that about? SMH.

Back To Work

Why does the weekend always feel so short? I don't feel like I got to rest at all before I need to be back at that place tomorrow. Ugh!

All for staying home and sleeping for a week say aye.

Aye!

Yeah... I'll be at work tomorrow. Lol.

...to be continued

I had sex last night. In a dream. Lol. And it was incredible. However i have no clue who i was with. *scratches head* I couldn't see his face but i was married to him. So it didn't feel weird or arkward. What does this mean? Sometimes my dreams have me tripping out.

I made love to my faceless husband last night in a dream. *smh* Lord have mercy i think i'm losing it. Lol.

... to be continued

Date Night

So 2 Fridays past (I'm kinda late writing this huh? lol.) I went out with 6'8. I wore this cute sundress, my hair was done in these nice curls; I had him dreaming about that outfit for days. I looked hot (lol) but anyway it was a gorgeous day. We went to the South Street Seaport. Went to this cute little restaurant and ate outside near the water. It was so romantic and I was definitely feeling the atmosphere so we kissed. And it was...

Ok.

Maybe I put too much weight on kissing but I want to be wowed when I'm kissed.

Now that being said. We have gone out every Friday since then. I always enjoy myself. Some of the places he has taken me have been amazing. We have kissed on more than one occasion but I still haven't been wowed and I'm still holding back...

Its interesting to me because I can't exactly pinpoint what it is that is giving me pause. Don't get me wrong, I think he's great and there is a great deal of chemistry and attraction between us but as I think of long-term; us meeting the others respective families, taking this relationship to the next level I question is this what I want.

I have thought about if this could lead to something. Marriage. He has talked about this candidly and his desire to get married and have kids. So of course I have thought about it. And he seems to think I make a good candidate for the position. But... 

Will this make me happy? It would make him happy but would me just going with the flow of things be trying to fulfill his happiness and put mine secondary?

Its funny because I used to hate being home on a Friday Night but now I'm finding that I'm at a place where I don't want to have a date just to say I have one.

I want something meaningful. Now I've always thought this way but my actions didn't show this to be true. I don't want to be in a relationship just because I can, I want to be with the man I'm supposed to spend my life with.

Could that be 6'8? Anything is possible I've come to discover but at this moment I'm not certain or sold.

Lots to think about and pray about.

... to be continued

Do We Like It?

So I changed the look of the blog. Change is good sometimes right?

Do we like it?

... to be continued.

Happy Mother's Day!

I have to give a big shout out to all the mothers today. I hope to one day join this amazing group of people who be holding it all together. Mothers are a blessing from God and I pray that you all had an amazing day and were showered with love. I love you mommy. :)

Love 

Lady Dee

Holding Me Back

I like 6'8. A lot. But something is holding me back.

He is great. When we go out we have so much fun. Its flirty, its fun, its so nice.

So what is holding me back?

I feel like its a combo of things. 

1. Though it feels right am I ready for another relationship so soon?
2. His age is throwing me. 20 years is a HUGE gap.
3. I know that marriage is on his mind, is his goal sooner rather than later am I ready, stable enough for that commitment? If we were to get married would we be able to grow old together?
4. Do I want to raise my kids by myself in the event he did pass away. 
5. How will my family react to this relationship?

(Yes I do think about all these things.) 

I haven't even kissed him yet. The chemistry is there. Its electric but I can't bring myself to do so. I can't  kiss someone and not be all in. I want to be. It wouldn't be fair to not be available heart, body and soul. I don't want to give a piece of myself just like I don't want some one to only give me a piece of them. I want to be able to give all of me. Thats the only way I do relationships. 

I can't help thinking, "Gosh I wish he were 10 years younger" 

...and that my heart was totally free. *sigh*


... to be continued.

You're Not Animals

With all these scandals that have come to light in the media (Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Tiki Barber, Shaq, etc.) I have to say this...

I am so tired of people making excuses for men who cheat. I even heard one woman say it is in a Black man's DNA to stray. WTF is that?

"He's a sex addict. He couldn't help himself."

I don't want to hear another psychiatrist or "sex expert" try to give "scientific" (side eye) info for this phenomena. How about they just wanna f*$! everything they see and they know they can get away with it? When will we stop making excuses for bad behavior? When will we stop tolerating it? I will not accept that its ingrained in men to cheat. Not when I know that is not the case.

Its about self-control. And we all need to exercise it. Men don't have to stick their peen in everything that has a vagina. Sometimes men you need to keep that thing that swings between your legs in your damn pants. I'm sorry but the last time I checked only animals were the ones that could not control themselves.

The way I see it, gentlemen you should be insulted because they are reducing you to animals in heat that cannot control their basic primitive urges. Get a clue. You can control yourself.

You're NOT Animals!

End of Rant.

 ... to be continued  

I Seriously Considered....

getting back with Washington.

After we broke up my emotions were a wreck. Then after I visited him back in March all those feelings and how easy it was came back. Until...

We talked about my faith again. Everytime he would remind me why I broke it off in the first place. Now for someone who wants me back you'd think he would at least come to church when I invited him. (He would always tell me he would come to church if I asked. Yeah right.)

So we started hanging out more. He took me out for my birthday and we hung out 2 more times after that but I realized that nothing had changed to caused me to take him back. And he didn't want to change and I wasn't willing to compromise on my non-negotiable.

So now... I know I can't go back if all I'm going back to is what made me walk in the first place. What was the point of the break up if I go back and nothing has changed?

The problem is that I would want to be friends but there is still to much there. He's fun to hang with, I feel comfortable, and I can relax. When you're friends with someone you can agree to disagree on almost anything as long as your respectful about it. When in a relationship its different.

This is new territory for me. I've never done the ex as friend thing so we'll see if this works.

... to  be continued

Shaun T...

is kicking my butt. So I added to my weight loss regime the Insanity home workouts. These DVDs are INSANE. It ain't no joke. Its all cardio, high intensity, non-stop. Each workout is 30-40 minutes but at the end of it I am sweating bullets, my muscles are screaming, my heart is racing and I'm breathing hard.

Why am I torturing myself you may ask? Lol.

Have you seen the way those people look in the video just from 2 months of this stuff? They look INSANE! Insanely good that is. Summertime is around the corner and I've got 10 pounds to lose and a bunch of clothes I'm trying to get myself back into. 

So I ain't gonna meet my goal of 10 pounds by May but I will make it by June if I stick with this program.

I was gonna do P90X but I can't stand the man that leads it. At least Shaun T is a little bit of eye candy and he's encouraging.

But boy do I be hurting. 

... to be continued

Updates on the Horizon

My lack of posting isn't because of lack of material. I have lots to say just not enough hours in the day. I have stuff about 6'8, Washington, Ghana, my Workout Challenge, and why is it that so many men keep trying to make a comeback in my life. And I have to get back to my Is It Wrong posts. So stayed tuned. I hope to get to posting quite soon. *crossing my fingers and toes*

I gotta figure out a way to be consistent in here. 

... to be continued

I'm walking down the street on my way to work when i see two guys walking toward me. We all know where this is going. I know they are checking me out. As we pass each other the one closest to me leans in and says, "Mmm, healthy woman" and smiles. Ok so trivia this morning. Wat the hell does that mean? Lol. How am I supposed to take that? Uh, thanks for noticing. Lol.
Men tickle me
...to be continued

Bus sighting. Haven't done one of these in awhile. I love a man that match. And he's rocking one of my favorite colors - camel (or tan). And he smells good. Not loving the braids he rocking but he's a cutie. ;)

...to be continued

A Girlfriend On Loan?

Since when is is cool to have a girlfriend on loan to you from her sugar daddy?

Did I miss something? Is that how black celebs get down these days? And men are co-signing on this.

WTF?!  A girlfriend on loan from her sugar daddy? I'm hoping this story ain't true but if it is I have to say this:

THAT'S NASTY!!!

Ain't no reason for all of that. Go find a girl you don't have to pay to sleep with you. My gosh.

...to be continued 

Lance Gross is...

DELICIOUS!
Yes he is. Lord forgive me. I could just devour him. Slurp. Lol. That is all.

... to be continued.

Eye Spy

Eye spied this in the Duane Reade.

Aisle 1 is the ethnic aka black people hair care products aisle. Lol. Lawd have mercy.

... to be continued

Duke!

As the sports nut that I am you know I was watching the game and my Blue Devils came out on top. Down to the wire, buzzer beater shot and the Duke Blue Devil's are this years NCAA Men's Basketball Champions. Congratulations!

I also have to give up to Butler. They made it a good game. They played hard and left it all out on the floor.

This has to be one of the best tournaments I've seen in a good long while. I was very impressed.

... to be continued

I Fell Off... A Little Bit

Ok so I start out strong with this weight loss task and then... I hit a snag.

So this past weekend (Happy Belated Easter everyone) was crazy. We had a lock-in at the church for the youth Friday night into Saturday morning. I was fasting so I didn't fall off at this point. When I got home the next morning I was exhausted. I had stayed up till almost 5 the night before doing the activities with the young people so I was wiped. Needless to say I didn't exercise anything but my eyelids closing in sleep, my body prostrate on my couch. (Too tired to make it to the bed). Hiccup #1.

Hiccup #2 - Every Easter Sunday at my church the men cook breakfast. I'm talking grits, hash browns, eggs, sausage, ham, bacon, and this homemade bread that melts in your mouth. OMG! There was nooooooooooo way I was missing this once in a year event. So I chowed down. Out the door went my Activa yogurt and high fiber oatmeal. On a positive note I did keep to taking my vitamins, green tea dietary supplement, and drinking water.

Hiccup #3 - I had Boston Market yesterday for lunch. The office was ordering and I couldn't resist their meatloaf, mash potatoes, and sweet potatoes with marshmallows. It is soooo good. And when I thought about what was in my desk to warm up (low sodium soup or chef boyardee) this was like a no brainer to me. I wanted the good stuff. *sigh*

And finally, Hiccup #5, I haven't exercised in 2 days. Totally not good. Sunday I had been up since 5:30 am for sunrise service. When I got home I was done. I did try to keep healthy with dinner though. (Broccoli and white rice. Shoulda done brown but whatever. Lol.) And yesterday I got home so late from work I just wanted to relax so I veged out.

But your girl plans to be back at it today. Hitting the abs and cardio hard tonight. I'll be so happy when my dance classes resume too. Washington thinks he's got this in the bag. I gotta make sure to give him a run for his money.


Especially cuz he felt the need to taunt me this morning. My Activia yogurt, green tea dietary supplement, and single packet of high fiber oatmeal was def back in rotation after that. The worse thing someone who wants to beat me can do is taunt me. I don't like to lose so thats just more motivation.

I'm hoping that some of these habits actually stick though. I fell off but I'm back on. Lets do this.

... to be continued

The Bet

So Washington and I have entered into a bet. We have to lose 10 pounds by May or suffer the consequences. So I have to lose 10 pounds in 4 weeks. I've never dieted before. I've never had to because my metabolism was always racing at the speed of light and I was always very active. But now....

This is gonna be so hard. The exercise thing won't be too bad but I'm so used to eating whatever. Changing eating habit is hard but I soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo want to beat him. That's enough motivation for me. I wanna rub his smug face in it cuz he doesn't think I can do it. Plus I'll be back down to my fighting weight of 135 so it'll be all good.

Today is the start of the bet so wish me luck!

... to be continued

A Busy Bee

I've been living life in the fast lane. Every hour of my life seems to have been a buzz with activity.

So here is whats been going on in a nutshell:

• I turned 24 :)
• It rained all day on my born day but its all good (I got to do nothing but relax and eat cake)
• For my birthday (the following day) I went out to see Avenue Q
• The following week Washington took me out for my aforementioned birthday (why is he so cute?)
• 6'8 feels that I'm neglecting him
• The screen on my phone froze (its touch screen) so I got locked out of my phone, lost all my contacts and can't figure out how to post to my blog again thru text because I LOST ALL MY CONTACTS!
• Mr. Smith, T-Bear, the MC, and Honey have all tried to make a comeback
• My "pay you for pictures" friend proposed that we date each other!
• Skittles, Lord have mercy, continues to express his undying love for me and started to kick it up a notch (I really don't need that right now)
• Work is killing me ( a friend joking told me I should just move into my office *sad face*)
• My sister wants me to move to Texas with her
• I've been planning youth activities for the last month and I'm exhausted
• And after my last doctor's visit I have a clean bill of health but I could stand to lose a few pounds (maybe that's why my jeans nowadays are fitting a little snug)

So yep, that's it, I think. Will hopefully be posting more soon. I need a serious vacation. I need more ME time.

What's up with everyone else?

... to be continued. 

Shout Out to All My Pisceans

My birthday is on Saturday, what should I do to celebrate? Any suggestions?

Is It Wrong? - In Life there are passengers and there are drivers...

We've all seen the commercial or heard the saying,

 "On the road of life there are passengers and there are drivers..."

So is it wrong to sometimes want to be a passenger or should we strive to always be in the driver seat? Any thoughts?

I don't know. Sometimes I like to be the passenger taking in the scenery if you will. But driving definitely has its perks.

What say you?

It wasn't a date, It was therapy!

Lol. So the title doesn't begin to explain this but here goes.

I am apart of the eHarmony community. My name is Dee and I am an online dater. There, I said it. I confess. Lol.

Anyway, this past Saturday I met one of my matches. He's a divorced father of two and came down here from Philly. Now its a Saturday, my usual lazy day and we're are supposed to be hanging for the day so I went casual: hair pulled up in a ponytail, gray skinny jeans, tee-shirt with a pullover hoodie, and my fuggs (cuz they ain't real uggs). I thought I looked presentable but apparently not because when I met him in Manhattan he had on dress clothes. So I tried to downplay it by cracking a joke about how our signals got crossed as far as our clothes and he said, "That's not my fault." Strike one against me.

So I take him to a diner in my neighborhood for lunch. We go in, sit down and I didn't realize what I was in for. I'm not a very talkative person especially if I don't know you but he felt I was too quiet. Maybe I was because the vibe he was giving me didn't lend itself to me opening up to him. One thing people might not know is that I like a man who can carry the conversation. It shows me what he knows, what his interests are and if they click with mine.

Now he could carry a conversation but it seemed like the conversation became a critique of me! He started by saying I wasn't truly being myself. That if I gave him 6 months he could bring the true me out and I would like my new self. So I'm thinking to myself, "What's wrong with who I am?" Apparently lots of thinks. Lol.

So, I'm too self-conscious. Now I will admit that I have body issues. But honestly what woman isn't a little self-conscious? So I dress to hide certain things. Its not like I wear a potato sack but for him I wasn't dressed sexy enough. I should have put my best foot forward to make him say, "Wow I want to come out here next weekend." (Don't you love when they assume they'll get a second date).

Ok, so I should have got my hair done, I should have shown more of my curves and I should have worn high heels. Hair? Ok maybe it wasn't salon perfect. I'll give him that. More of my curves? There is no way I can hide all my curves and I didn't try to either. But #1 I'm a B cup so its not like they are popping out and #2 as many times as u checked me out from the back u didn't see what I was working with? Then thats on you. And the heels, I'm walking all over creation with you and you want me to where heels? Thats just unrealistic. But it gets better.

Then he points out to me all the women I should have dressed like who dressed for their man, to give him that feeling of stimulation. *side eye* He said I need to be confident in what I have so that I will dress to show it off and be able to "shake what ya momma gave ya." Hmmmm. Yeah. Ok.

Then he points at my ears. "Whats all that?" Mind you I have 4 holes on each ear but I was only wearing three earrings at the time. "Why is this necessary?" Now I'm like bruh u trippin'. I'm not the most pierced girl on the block by any means and he had a problem. "I'll buy you some nice earring."  It was starting to sound to me like he wanted to make into his Stepford wife. No thank you.

All in all (according to him) I didn't put my best foot forward and first impressions are everything. Did he honestly think he was making a good first impression on me? Did he think him checking out other women was a good look or telling me how he told his waitresses at the restaurant he used to manage to dress sexier to get better tips was good first date conversation material?

Then for him to say, "This is me. I'm just saying whats on my heart." Check please. I couldn't get rid of this guy fast enough.

So we're on the bus ride back to the city and he tells me I'm wasting my potential at the job I'm at. Not that I asked. That I'm wasting my 20s because I'm too responsible. Who says that? But what really clinched it for me was this, "If I come back to NY to see you I will see if you have taken what I've said to heart because you will dress differently." Wow. When we got to the bus station I was so happy his bus was right there. God is so GOOD to me. That was the first genuine smile I cracked the whole date. Lol.

So for $9 (Metrocard fare) I got a therapy session I didn't even want. But hey, in this economy it was still a steal. It helped me realize that I like me and I am beautiful and while I am a work in progress being me is quite alright.

The comedy of the day was (after he tore me to shreds), "But I'm really glad to see you face to face."

LMAO. Bruh please. Needless to say there will be no more visits... to see me at least.

... to be continued

Gentlemen Do Still Exist

So this date is like a week old now but I've just been so busy. Anyhoo....

Two Saturdays ago I went out on a date with Ghana (its where he is from). He had been trying to talk to me for ages but I wasn't totally feeling him at first and then I was with Washington but my man is persistent so I gave him a shot.

So we go out for a late lunch and he opened doors, ordered for us, guided me to my seat, looked at me while I spoke, and held my hand. I had to check myself for a minute to see if I was actually in the year 2010 because I didn't think they still made this species of man, the gentleman.

I was pleasantly surprised and a little taken aback. I just wasn't used to it. But it was nice and I liked it. He definitely had my attention. He makes me laugh and he's sweet but... I don't know. Well see where this leads. I'm not sure yet.

... to be continued.

Visiting the Ex

So on Friday I saw Washington and..... It was fine.

I thought it would be awkward and weird but it was totally cool. While me mom doesn't get why I felt I needed to see him it gave me a sense of "We can be friends and just kick it and be cool."

I needed to know that, to feel that. Now, I ain't stupid. This will not be an every week occurrence. He is still fine, I ain't dead and neither is he so I'm not trying to play with fire. But at least I know that our friendship can work and I can stop obsessing over it.

Being in my head sometimes is not a fun place.

... to be continued.

The wierdest people ride the bus. Why is there this man sitting here chaning his voice to sound like cartoon characters? So far i've heard mighty mouse and barney. Including sound effects. Wat is wrong with people these days? Smh.

... To be continued

Remind me never to wait this long to go to the doctor again. Two years is too long. I've had to do a check up, labs, this test, and that test. If i was doing regular check-ups i wouldn't be up in here right now. Whose got the time for this? Gosh. I've had enough visits to last me a lifetime. Well, at least year. Lol.

... To be continued

Did u know that when ur monthly "friend" comes to visit it means ur egg pops? Smh. Some of the things teens talk about on the bus these days is crazy and they so wrong. Its the blind leading the blind somtimes. Lol.

I also learned that guys prefer to cut then shave their nether region. And only if that was the end of the convo. What happened to the days when we used to talk about who we thought was cute? Gosh. Lol

... To be continued

"There's Something Very Sexy About ..."

"There's something very sexy about being submissive." 

Do you think this is true? I know we live in the post feminism era but do you think that there is truth to that statement? Is that what men are looking for in their women?

Thoughts

... to be continued

Is It Wrong? - Non-negotiables

Is it wrong to have non-negotiables when it comes to relationships? Non-negotiables are those things that you just can't compromise on. They are different for everyone. Some of mine are faith in Jesus Christ, no excess cursing, integrity, faithfulness, good hygiene, tall among others.

Many people may not understand why they have been "disqualified" (if you will). With that being said, is it necessary to accept them even if they don't "cut the mustard" as the saying goes? Because somehow they will be hurt. (For example, Its not like ya'll didn't have chemistry you just couldn't see how your lights out by 9 pm life fit with ther party all day and all night mentality) Should you feel bad because they don't meet the standards you set? Should you relax your standards in any way? Do you feel that compromising your non-negotiables will make you happy or only make you miserable and bitter later down the line?

What I find interesting is that when you refuse to compromise your non-negotiables with a man he gets offended, like you've hurt him or don't care about him yet when you ask that he compromise a non-negotiable either you take it (deal with it) or leave it. Then if we decide to leave it they get upset.

How is that fair? I compromise but you don't. Somethings wrong with that picture.

So is it wrong to have non-negotiables? What are some of yours?

... to be continued

Say It Ain't So

Marvell tell me you didn't do it. :(

Ex-sportscaster Marvell Scott claims he's been framed after being charged with raping 14-year-old

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2010/02/23/2010-02-23_exwabc_sportscaster_marvell_scott_charged_with_raping_14yearold.html#ixzz0gnm6p

THk

... to be continued

Watching the Storm

So for the last two days I have watched snow blanket my world. I've seen it as slushy snow and a wintry wonder land. And while it was beautiful, it wasn't so beautiful as I was shoveling it. But, I was watching the storm because I was supposed to see Washington on Friday when the storm hit.

We all know that didn't happen.

So it begs the question: Was that a sign that i shouldn't go at all?

Hmmmm.

... to be continued

Been shoveling snow for the last 3 and a half hours. Looking forward to a hot shower.

What Temperament Are U?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperament Are You?

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

This sounds just a little bit too much like me. My gosh that's crazy.

... to be continued

Feeling the Bitterness

Have you ever felt bitterness just trying to rise up in? I'm trying to fight this feeling with all my might. I'm not trying to be one those people who throws herself a self-pity party and I'm not trying to be a tired, mad, bitter black woman that the world is so fond of portraying and hating.

But it is hard sometimes not to want to let those feelings over take you. Its actually easier to be bitter and mad then to rise above it and move on. In this journey we all will experience the desire to be bitter. To snarl our teeth and lash out at a world that sometimes deals us the short end of the stick.

We'll want to blame others and hold grudges and ... I've been there. But I'm reminded of the advice I gave my young people at youth group one night last year.

We can't change other people, the families we are born into, sometimes we can't change our circumstances or the way things happen. We can't control a lot of things but we can control ourselves. How we act, how we react, what we learn, how we press on- that is what we can change.

So I'm choosing not to be bitter because things aren't going the way I might want them to go. I'm choosing to trust God and the process. This is definitely not easy for me. At all.

But life is all about choices and just because bitterness wants to pull me in I gotta fight to get outta that trap.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13 

...to be continued   

I wish I'd learned to love me sooner

I wish I learned to love myself. I'm still in the process and I don't have it all figured out but when you love yourself you don't take the scraps people throw at you because you realize you are worth more than that. You discover a strength and a new outlook when you look at yourself- physical, spiritual, emotional and say, "I love you" and mean it. It does something for the soul I think and you become more attractive to others and to yourself.

They keep telling me I'm too nice but if everyone was too nice like me wouldn't this world be a better place? I'm just saying.
... To be continued

Love is ... Action

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

You decide to love someone. Its not just warm fuzzies and tinglies that run around in your body, butterflies that flap their wings because the object of your affection has entered the room. Love is action. Its a conscious decision to put someone else's thoughts, wants, needs and desires before your own. Its a conscious decision to forget past wrongs, its a conscious decision to not be rude, to be patient with them, to consider their feelings. Love is protecting one another, love is trusting each other, love is hoping in everything that they are to you, Love is never throwing in the towel. Love never falls out of love. 


If you "fall" out of love with someone then you decided that. Love doesn't just stop. And if it does I wonder if it was truly love to begin with. This isn't just romantic love but all love. We throw the word love around so carelessly knowing full well that we have no intention of being true love to that person. Trust me I don't always get this right but I do take love seriously. There are many people I care about deeply but there are few that I love honestly and truly. I love people who at times don't deserve my love but then again there are times I don't deserve their love either. Who are we to judge who does and doesn't deserve love?


Love isn't about deserving it or not. If you truly love someone its no matter what they've done, said or thought.


Love isn't empty promises and sweet words. Don't tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Not with just flowers and candy but with eyes that express what words can't, with showing me grace when I do something u think is dumb, by not putting me down, by giving me a day off to remind me of why I chose you, by not lying to me, by not giving me a reason to doubt you. There are countless ways to show true love.


I know no one can perfect loving someone. Thats not what I seek but I want someone who is willing to make the same commitment to love as I do. I'm not a perfect lover of people. I'm not pretending to be, I only know of one person who was.

I just know what love isn't. And I won't settle for what it isn't.

.... to be continued

Its been a TOUGH week both physically and emotionally. I am exhausted. I'm confused and .... Just trying to figure it all out and i don't even know where to start. I wish i could curl up in bed for a week but i can't afford that luxury right now.. *sigh*
... To be continued.

Happy Valentine's Day

Although this isn't my favorite holiday. The premise that we need to remember those we love is not lost on me so I dedicate this to all those in my life old, new and yet to come, alive and passed on. I love you all and I wouldn't be who I am without you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wishing all life, love, and happiness

Lady Dee

To Decorate or Not to Decorate?

The question is, Is it an intimate act to help a man re-decorate his room/house/apartment?

Washington, before we broke up, had asked me to help him re-decorate his room. I agreed. I love to shop and put things together so it seemed like a no-brainer for me. So after we broke up he still asked me to help him re-decorate. Which to me wasn't that big of a deal except...

My mom didn't like it at all. She didn't like the idea when I first told her about it when him and I were together and she liked it even less now. So I was supposed to go up to his place Friday to help him but she was so adamantly against it I decided not to go. She felt it was too intimate. Something that a wife or significant other would do. (Plus, she felt Washington had an alterior motive for having me come up there *shrug*).

I didn't go so that I would have peace because I didn't really see it as a big deal but my mom was like stressing about it.

So what are your thoughts? Is it too intimate?

... to be continued

Snow Day!

Can I Have a Picture of You??? Part 2

My good friend (side eye) struck again. (See Can I Have a Picture of You???)

So he said,

"Was just checking to see if you had changed your mind."

NO

He says,

"Ok, my final offer...."

Drum-roll please.

"$12,000"

People, it is a recession and I am hurting just like the next person but....

Nope, Not for Sale. 

I did almost pass out though. $12Gs! This kid must be swimming in money if he willing to part with that much cash just to get a taste of my goodies. Lord have mercy.

Thats what the love of pu$$y will do to ya. SMH. Oh, and yes, once again...

This Fool Done Lost His Mind

... to be continued. 

I Want You To Sit On My Face

Seriously?! SMH. While I'm not knocking it. Thats not the first thing you say to someone.

Giving me the rundown of wat you can do with your tongue while intriguing does not a long-term commitment make in my train of thought.

But I guess that its all about people's expectations. To me I expect that when you're introducing yourself to me you might say,

"Hi my name is (insert name) and I saw you and wanted to say hello. I am (insert age) and I would love to get a cup of coffee or go out to dinner sometime."

Call me old-fashioned but thats my expectation. 

Saying "oh, baby I wanna make you cum" and you don't even know my name yet, doesn't cut the mustard (with me anyway). Especially in this day and age it makes me wonder how many other people you done said this to and how many of them have taken you up on the offer.

So while I'm not saying that I wouldn't enjoy the ride I don't plan to be hoping on any random fool's face anytime soon. 

But thanks for the offer.

... to be continued.

Plum Tired

I hate this feeling of loneliness. I'm tempted to play Roberta but I know that will put me deeper in my funk. I want to just turn everything off and just breath for a second. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me. If I give everyone a piece what will I have left?

Baby, I'm the man for u. I'll make you feel good. I'll treat you the way a woman should be treated. Then why do I still feel this hole? How are you the man for me if you can't touch my soul? Sure you can touch my body. Anyone if they are looking to please will find a way to do so but what about my heart? What about touching the essence of who I am? Looking me in my eyes and telling me you love me for who I am. Not baby I worship your body ur so fine. Not gosh that ass, the things I could do to that ass. Not baby send me a pic. Not baby I want to see if you taste as good as you look.

I want to be told that my heart is what drew you, my mind is what glued you and the beauty of my essence is what keeps you. I am more than measurements, I am more than big lips and a fat ass, I am more than a wet hole.

I have a mind and dreams and goals and values. Stop telling me your every woman's fantasy and ask me what my fantasy is because maybe you ain't it. I'm more than empty promises you have no intention of fulfilling. Stop trying to get in my pants because when thats the only thing you show me thats the only way I see you. Stop trying to squeeze every drop of all that I've got out of me.

I feel like I have nothing left.

I'm just PLUM TIRED

.... to be continued

Is It Wrong? - A Relationship for Relationshipsake

Is it wrong to be in a relationship just because you don't want to be alone? That seems like a logical no answer but many of us do it. Why do we feel the need to be with someone even if its unhealthy? Even if we know we're not ready? Even if we know that we're not right for each other, wanna kill each other?

What is it about being in a relationship that we go from rational people to irrational, lovesick puppies?

So is it wrong?

Dwight Freeney is one sexy Jamaican. I'm having impure thoughts about that man. Yummy. Lol. One of the many reasons why i love football. Almost time for kickoff. Go Colts!!!!

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!

While I realize I am one of the few people rooting for the Colts (Peyton Manning's my boy)  I wish everyone, no matter wat side ur on a great Super Bowl. Enjoy the game!!!

Lady Dee    

6'8

That's how tall he is. Which is incredibly sexy. But.... I feel like he's too old for me.

Have you ever met someone you just clicked with? You had fun with them, comfortable, attracted to but...

If he was ten years younger or if I was ten years older this would be on and popping. Well sort of anyway. Lol. So now I'm just trying to establish a friendship which is hard when the other party wants more than that. And yes I've told me multiple times that we are just friends...Men don't like to listen to me it seems.

The even bigger issue however is my attraction to him. Coming out of a relationship your looking for comfort and he would be more than willing to give me the comfort I seek. But I'm not trying to use anyone as a rebound.

But my gosh he is tempting me. Some of the things he's told me he would do to me and some of the stories he's told me, I want to see if he's for real or just all talk. And if he's not just all talk I'ma be in trouble.

So I've been playing it cool. We just hang out on occasion. But the more time you spend with someone you like it seems you start to like them even more. He is so confident he's gonna get me to break. But I'm not ready to give in to anybody at this point.

I just don't think he'll be able to take me dodging his kisses that much longer. But we'll see. I don't plan for anything to happen and hopefully my resolve keeps.


... to be continued

When I Tell U Something.... Believe Me

Washington never listens to me. I've explained to him about 20 times the reason why I broke it off. What does he say,

"Well my friend told me you broke up with me because you wanted to see other people"

Oh yes, absolutely this person who doesn't even know me hit the nail on the head. Because I like going out with people whose ultimate goal is to get me in their bed. I truly enjoy that. *eyeroll*

So here are the top three reasons why we are no longer together.

#1 reason
I despise conflict and he loved it. Always wanting me to debate him on this issue and that. When I take time out of my schedule to be with someone I don't want to be debating them. Where I feel like my time would have been better spent at home. I want to be able to relax and have fun and enjoy their company. And at times it felt more like he was bullying me. I hate conflict. I do anything in my power to resolve things but he likes to push and push. Even when we broke up he kept pushing me, "Why don't you just break up with me then?" Guess what? I did.

#2 reason
He liked to mock me. He made me feel like my beliefs, my desires, truly wat was in my heart was worthless. Like it was stupid and I was stupid for believing it. I'm an intelligent woman and I don't need to be patronized or have someone shake their head at me or make a joke about something I'm serious about. There were times I just wanted to slap the taste outta his mouth and then tape his lips shut because I was tired of hearing him put me down, making me feel inadequate and slow and cracking jokes about stuff that wasn't funny. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. *shrug*

#3 reason
My life is about Christ and following His will for me. If you know that its that important to me come to church with me, support the things I do, be the shoulder I can lean on when things get hard and I need you to have my back. Instead he wanted me to move away to another state with him. Away from my support system and my call and then look at me like i'm crazy.

His response:
1. We're not your parents and it wasn't an argument. We were debating. I just feel like I have to push you cuz your too nice to people.

Well he pushed me alright. He pushed me away.

2. You're too sensitive. It's a joke.

*eyeroll*

3. Why do you want your parents to raise your kids? Why can't it be just us together?

I'm wrong for wanting my children to be around their grandparents? And just us together would have drove me crazy. I would have no friends, no home church, no one who knows me to go to when you get on my nerves. I can't. Community and family are very important to me. That's how I grew up and that's what I want for my kids.

Any thoughts? I can't....

... to be continued

The Dating Game

So I'm back in the dating game. And while it may seem fast its so I don't stay home and agonize over the fact that I am single again and go back and forth in my head on whether I made the right decision even though everything screams at me I did. When I'm left to think and analyze and over-analyze a decision that is never a good thing. I'm already too much in my head as it is.

So you will be hearing about some of my latest misadventures if you will. And its even more complicated because Washington isn't ready to let go either. Lord help me. I'm just a big mass of crazy right now. Lol.

Am I ready to be in another serious relationship, not totally but I'm open to the possibilities.

Who will we be meeting? 6'8, The MC is back as is Mr. E and a few others so are u ready?

Here goes.....

My Return To Singleville

So I am a single girl once again. Yes I know, ya'll are probably like, "What happened?" The short answer, The Elephant among other things. When I looked out into my future could I see myself with Washington for the next 50 years? Could I see myself having kids with him? Living the life I desire with him?

I couldn't. While he met some of my needs he couldn't fulfill the one most important to me. Who wants to wake up one day look over and say, "What the hell was I thinking?"

Is he a bad guy? No, he's good guy he's just not the right guy for me. Is the door closed? No because I don't know what the Lord has in store and maybe something will change but right now I know that the way things were I couldn't handle anymore.

I'm used to compromising myself for the happiness of others but this time I chose MY happiness and sanity. I heard at a conference I attended that the way that you share joy and happiness with others is if you have joy and happiness inside of you and if you surround urself with those who will pour that back into you. Sounds smart to me.

Doesn't mean I don't miss him. *sighs* And doesn't mean he's taking this well either.

My search continues....

... to be continued

"Tape or handcuffs? Which ever one u prefer sweetheart." Who says that to someone they've never met? Wat is wrong with men these days? Smh.

I'm back ya'll. Lots more to follow.